12/31/20 – 1/5/21
I completely forgot I had decided to write every day. Quite a few things happened in the last week.
I was talking to Sarika for new year wishes and I landed with an interview opportunity. If there was another way life could show me the love and support, I don’t know. 🙂
There are reservations and nervousness because I still don’t have the job. But I’m glad and surprised at the opportunity.
Pranshu (my brother) had a baby boy. Things are looking up. It seems the family will finally find peace. I hope so dearly.
I’m inclined to take naam diksha from Rampal Ji Maharaj and begin my spiritual journey. I started listening to the 3-time prayers at least.
– I attended a meditation course by Nithya Shanti this morning. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to wake up so early but I did. It was a wonderful service.
The meditation time was short, like about 10 mins or so. But the whole hour was captivating and satisfying.
While being in meditation, I felt my heart beat. For the first time. I could hear the thudding as if someone was banging on the wall. Loud and unmistakable. It was like visiting within my body. A hollow galaxy of its own.
It was a surprise. No other major experience so far. Let’s see how this goes.
It was my fourth day of meditation program today.
I was confused and a little irritated. I didn’t wake up at 5:30am to listen to bunch of inspiring quotes or stories. I decided to reach out and find out. Find out if this is the way all 9 days are going to be or something different is gonna come.
As usual, I lose patience too easily.
So, that’s how I got to talk to Padmajaa today. She’s supporting/managing Nithya’s lessons/programs. Apart from the basic queries about the process of meditation, she cleared my basic underlying problem – guilt.
She said guilt is the first and most basic of escapes that human mind takes. To evade learning. To learn to change your response to a situation, if it may arise again. You did something, you did not feel right after doing it. You’re scared of the consequences. Of the mistake you’ve made. And also of your temptation to fall for it again.
You must realize that this journey you’ve taken ever since – of realization, of awakening, of choosing the right path, to not give in to the temptation is your first and major success. Remember that. And now, if and when, such a situation arises again in your life, you’ll know what you have to do. And you’ll do it far more confidently and quickly. You’ll not make a fool of yourself. You’ll not open yourself up to that hurt, that pain, that agony, that guilt, that loop. Because you know you get nothing out of it. The road, that experience was a test. It was a path that either led you to hell or to heaven. That choice made it clear to me that where I must go. Where I must spend my time in. What I must do. What my priorities should be and how stupid I was in going any other way.
So, in a way, it was a blessing because it was the time when God chose me. He didn’t give up on me. He saved me. And I should be happy and feel blessed about that.
So rather than looking at it as a bad experience, I’ll look at it as a victory. As a milestone. That led me to the path of spirituality. To the path of God. To make different choices. To respect my body and to focus on my mind.
From physical love, I now move towards meta-physical.
Love : Hope
Scared. I don’t have another word to explain what I’m feeling. Nervous, Anxious maybe.
I’ve my interview today. The first one went well last week. Was it just last week? It seems like it was months ago. Well, if this opportunity goes away, then I’ve nothing else in my hand. Then this might just be the end of my professional career as I know of.
So, that explains the nerves. I’ve tried to prepare. I’ve tried to brush up my basics but the more I try, the more I realize how much more is required from my end.
I know even if this doesn’t work, life would have something else in store. I know that the place I’m at, I was brought to it. It’s not something that I reached to by myself, by my sane/insane mind. So, whatever will happen, I would embrace it. Deal with the cards you are dealt with. But, still – nervous. Anxious.
We had kiddo’s school admission interview today morning. That went well. I knew it was only a formality but there was still a possibility that they may not give an offer to admission. Hope this works out well for Anay. He’s upset about leaving his current school, of course. But, I’m convinced this is in best of his interests.
My spiritual journey following Rampal ji is ongoing. I continue to do my daily prayers, as flawlessly as possible. I hadn’t completely started following all the norms and the rules but I get it that there’s no shortcut or easy transition to this. It would need to be a abrupt switch. And see how it goes.
I am concerned about how I would manage to be honest all the time. I lied last week to my yoga teacher when I didn’t want to take the class. I lied to my office team when I had to take a leave of absence today due to my interview. I might have to lie in the interview if they ask me if I will move to Bangalore or not. Or perhaps not. I do realize that all the lies I spoke could have been avoided. I could have found a way around them if I thought hard. So, it might just work.
But it won’t be an easy road. I will need to be strong and sure of this decision.
I think the decision is on Him. And not me. If I land the job, I’ll take the name. I’ll follow the path. Without another thought.
Dear God, be with me.
Love : Hope
I received a call from the company confirming my selection. They still have one step to go where they take feedback from references. I’ve given them GS and Priyanka’s name. I’m not sure if this step would be the one that breaks it all. But I also know that this whole thing was very difficult to happen, from the beginning. If it has reached this far, then it is solely because of God’s will and Guru’s support.
When this started, I tried to test the power and capability of Rampal Ji Maharaj. Somewhere down the line, the job became a way to test whether he’s the true Guru or not. It has been going forward all this while. I’m amazed and stunned in equal measures. I’m going forward with what I decided. I had promised that I’ll take naam diksha if this goes through. And I’ll take it.
This is scary every step of the way. And yet, it all soothes down the moment you leave it in God’s hands. I’ve done that countless times in the last few days. Whether it was quitting my current job, or applying for this new job, or the interviews I’ve given so far. There was no chance of this happening, and yet it all is happening to me.
No matter where this goes, I would be glad that I’ll be out of the current organization and its people. It started to feel like sticky mud that is very difficult to get out of. Now, wherever this goes, whatever it takes, I’m getting rid of this sticky mud.
Still very scared. Am elated and excited about joining this new company. But I’m worried if the offer doesn’t come through. You never know what will happen unless you have something in your hand. I know I said I will accept whatever comes my way. It might happen that I’m left again with no job. But, I’m hopeful about this one. I’m excited about this one. It’s almost there and yet not there.
Oh Dear God, please be with me. Anxious.
Do you know what I have to do to get anything in life ? I simply have to picture it clearly.
The perfect job, the perfect home, the perfect body, the sane mind, the stable satiated soul. I just have to imagine what I want and it shall be.
No doubts. No concerns or negativity shrouding me. Just simple plain belief.
And it shall be.
How to stop overthinking?
When you find your mind looping over a thought, usually because you’re anxious and you want to stop – have a problem for it to solve. It could be an algorithm, a technical problem, or a house organizing problem. Anything. Something tough and absorbing. Just take your mind there and it shall forget to worry.