Why hatred is expensive but love comes cheap

Becoming a Manager is one thing but living the life of a Manager is not easy. In India, where if you want to grow in your career, you’ve no choice but to become a Manager, this becomes even tougher. You don’t have the luxury of following your passion. The Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ plays a major role in deciding how your career and future will shape up. And, if survival needs you to become a Manager, then so you shall be.

I was never forced into Management, I wanted it. I dreamt of it. And now, when I’m living the life, I realise – everything comes with a price tag.

So, I interact with people and deal with ego-clashes, mean attitudes, backstabs – all in a span of the day. And it seems to be getting to me. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night feeling depressed about the guy who didn’t join. Or, the guy who did¡ Sometimes, sleeping becomes an issue. You remember all the things people said. You remember all things you tried to do for the team member who decided to ditch you, when it was finally seeming to be working out. And now when you’ve become an adult, you no longer have the blessing of ignorance. You can actually differentiate between people who’re actually nice to you and those who’re smiling to your faces but snickering at you behind your back. That gets to you too.

For how long do you keep telling yourself that it’s only job and it doesn’t matter. How long do you give people the benefit of doubt. For how long you accept that everyone is fallible and everyone is gullible? There comes a time when the mind shrieks – “What about me?”

You seek revenge. You feel like doing tit for tat. You feel like being as mean to people as they have been to you. Show them you’re not a door mat! Show them you’re not the fool they can take for a ride every time. You won’t be used anymore! Now, I’ll use and throw!

And, it makes you sleepless even further. Your heart is hurting with all the anger and your mind is busy plotting ideas on how to get back to that bitch/moron. The sleepless nights now turn into days of mulling and conniving. And, you see evil everywhere.

Bahh!

And then, realisation strikes! You are wasting so much time on a person who deserved not even an iota of your time or energy any further. You burnt and boiled your blood. You wasted all those minutes thinking of doing something that’ll perhaps have no or little impact on the person. All the time that you could have enjoyed with your work or your loved ones or enjoying the beauty around you, you wasted on hatred.

And I remember my own words from the past – ” Hatred is a two way sword. The harder you push into the other person, the more it tears your own soul”.

Singing the song – “Where is the time to hate, there is so little time to love!”

-Hope

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3 Cheers to a Wow Life!

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened and a lot is playing since we last talked. My brother got married. I’m probably making a home for myself. I got what I wanted at work. It seems like I’m building my life the way I wanted. Or, perhaps, life is leading me in a certain direction.

Marriage of a sibling grows you up in unimaginable ways. You’re partly an adult in the same genre as your parents. You’re supposed to make/partake decisions that only your parents worried about. But now, with you married and all, you have some ideas or opinions to contribute. With parents ageing, you’re expected to be on top of things far more than they ever had been. Yet, you catch yourself short from becoming one of the bickering, meddling kinds.

I can say, after all has happened, that my brother’s wedding was a milestone in my life and it changed me. In lot of aspects. It brought me a sense of responsibility. And, I did well.

While it was on, the career progress was on a major fast track. So, it meant juggling too many balls at the same time. But man! Did I enjoy it or what!? Not all is finished, but I feel a certain lull in my life. I realized I like the chaos and ball-juggling 😀

Leaves me no time to think.

As I stand back and look at my life, I go like – Wow! Where I was, what I was and where have I reached! It’s surreal. It’s amazing. My 10-yr old self who felt so unsure and incapable, I can say ‘Hi-Five’. It’s been a wow journey so far. And, if I have it my way, I have a long long way to go and my heart is set.

Love,

Hope

Diary Entries

Dear Diary,

How are you? Life is going on. Just as it always does. Doesn’t let me be! 🙂
We continue to make plans and life continues to dump them, left, right and center. But, that’s the way it will be. And, that’s the way one has to accept it. Something will click and we’ll call it an achievement. Or, call it fate.
Festive season is approaching. I’m looking forward to it. After a long year of upheavals, uncertainties, and confusions, I am trying to understand what I want, how to deal with failures, live with losses or sadness, as the bouts come and go. Currently, I feel myself in a state of suspension – no attachment, no pain, no fear of future, no concern about losing what I have, no interest in gaining something either. It’s like a state of passing through and let life happen.

I am not sure if I should call this a state of peacefulness.I have never felt this before. It has always been about aiming, working, failing or achieving. It has always been about on-the-move, constantly. This phase of no aims, nowhere to go, is new and not entirely comfortable. Unknown territory, I guess. So, whether it’s bad or good, I cannot say. It does make me uncomfortable. Am I being lazy and just procrastinating my life away? Or, this thing of not worrying about things, is actually moving towards spirituality and inner-peace?
I recently had a conversation with a junior girl at my office. She’s a Jain and into spirituality. She mentioned about how Jainism is about minimalism. About being content with whatever less you have. Of making your body and mind be happy and satisfied with most minimum of things. Of not even worrying about the body and the pain. Of becoming only a soul which is connected to the supreme force.

Jainism is hard to follow with all the rules. There are so many restrictions. That’s all it means to an outsider. This insider perspective, I have only received now. And, it makes so much sense. I liked the idea of minimalism. Of decluttering the life. In a way, removing the various ‘moh’ from life. ‘Moh’ or attachment to foods, to pleasures, to people, to needs, to self. All of it. None of it.
This new-found thought is comforting. It’s soothing to my always running mind. It helps me not worry too much about the consequences of our actions. Of our decisions. There are quite a few decisions we are making these days. I am not entirely sure which way I want to go. It’s a cross-road. But, I have realized whichever way it goes, it doesn’t matter. Life will happen. There will be issues. There will be some happy moments too. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
Take Care!
Hope

 

A giant leap of faith

Dear Diary,

You may remember (thankfully, you always do, unlike husbands!) about my List of 30 and my Dream No 16. Well Well! The post is about that.

After having dabbled in my career for 11 yrs now, I had almost lost hope of pursuing this any more. I had almost reached to the point where a dream seems like a silly idea any more and you trash it.

So, recently, our company started an IDP process – Individual Development Plan.

Under this program, the manager extends an IDP form to his best employees. This is an endeavor to make people feel cared for, and to know (secretly) if they are interested in quitting 😉

Well! I believe the idea is pretty novel. And, there are very few workplaces who like to invest any time or thought into what ’employees’ want. So, I think I’m deeply impressed by my company AND by the management for following up on this diligently.

So, with the IDP, I was forced to acknowledge, reconsider and reopen my now-closed-pandora-box of dreams. And, I realized there’s nothing else I would like to try more than ‘this’.

And, that’s what I wrote in my IDP.

I am still unable to believe that I actually took the first step here, in this direction, and shared my crazy-sounding dream with my Manager. This may cost me all that I have built so far. And what I have built, is a lot for a lot of people out there. It’s perhaps the most settled and most-sought after position in my career graph currently.

But then, what’s life if not for an adventure. And, if you really want it, you gotta jump without the rope.

So, here I am, taking my big giant leap of faith. And, striving for my dreams.

Wish me luck! O Dear God, please please please be with me.

-Hope

What is it about youth?

Look around and you see people ‘worshipping’ youth. The age group of 18-29. Approximately. The golden age of youth.

The ones who are younger, wait for the time when they will grow up and experience it. The ones who are older and over with it, try hard to keep it. Whether it’s by trying to dress up that way, or it’s by trying to look the way. To act, opine, eat, live…anything and everything is controlled, driven by youth and what it entails.

As I finally admit to myself that the glorious youth time of mine is over, I look back and wonder. I wonder what it was about youth that makes it so desirable!?

Yes, it meant being healthy. Not to worry about aching joints or bulging tummies because you ate pizza yesterday. The metabolism is good and your body is able to accept all that. But that can be achieved or maintained even later.  By choosing a healthy lifestyle. What else?

I think the answer is personal. May change from person to person. For me, this is what I miss apart from above, of course! –

It meant being more desirable. It meant being the center of positive attention without even trying. All the time. All places.

It meant having complete confidence in my decisions and choices.  The unabashed faith you have in your ideas, decisions and choices was a-ma-zing! I miss it.

Life brings regrets and failures.  They make you worry about failing more. More than the rush, the thought of success brings. Youth and young age is free of those experiences. And it brings a carefree arrogance that makes you believe you can fly.

And, fly I want to.

It doesn’t matter what tomorrow holds. It doesn’t really matter whether the plan will succeed or fail. What matters is I tried. What matters is the exhilaration the experience will bring.  And for that, I want to try.

Not worry.

Just open my wings one more time and take a leap of faith and jump!

<Bliss>

-Hope

My mini escape

What is it about travel?

Your mind is dull. It is so full and tired. It is full yet devoid of any meaningful thoughts. It is bereft of the capability to make any decisions, of making any choices. Someone makes that decision for you and you’re sitting in your car,  going out of the city. Moments turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. And as you leave the city behind,  your mind starts to leave the thoughts behind too. The thoughts,  which were tormenting you for so long, the ones which you were ready to get rid of by any means. Even if it meant taking sleeping pills, just let me be! But they won’t stop. They would be with you even while you sleep.

And here you are! Being transported. Because you don’t remember making that decision.

You travel and suddenly, they are gone. As if they never existed! You find your mind blank. Blank after a real long time.

And you see the trees, the leaves, the clouds, the nature. It seems it’s only now that you’re seeing them. You never saw them before.

You’re in the hills. Cool wind starts to bellow. It’s about to rain. As wind blows hard, the long, tall trees start to sway.  Left and right, they go together. The wind slows down. The trees come to still but the leaves start to shimmy. 
It’s like witnessing a symphony. A Masterpiece in progress. The trees and the leaves, both playing their parts to perfection. They are so in sync to the Master’s commands that nothing goes amiss. No errors. No mistakes.

It’s beautiful. An unforgettable moment. An evening to remember. An evening in Nainital.

Nainital: You are truly mesmerising.

Love,

Hope

Love letter

Dear Diary,

How have you been? I missed you. I came to you last, quite a while ago. It’s not that I don’t think of you. I think of returning to you, talking to you, each day but life keeps me away. In my moments of sorrow, you’re my solace. In my moments of joy n bliss,  you’re the first who comes to my mind. No kidding!

I don’t know how. I just come to you with my problems, pouring my heart out on your pages. My deepest fears, my biggest regrets, the confusions, the dilemmas..all are embedded within your pages. I don’t come expecting solutions. I expect no results. But, somehow, by the time I finish my writing, my mind, my heart is filled with a light. Like a neon bulb that starts flashing somewhere.  Showing me the light at the end of a tunnel.

And in that mystical way, you become my guiding star.

And I want to thank you for that! For being an unconditional friend who has stood by me for so long.

I love you!

Hope