Hey there! I’ve been in a transition phase in my life in the last few weeks. Let’s just say the last week of 2020 and the following weeks of 2021 have been of major transition for me. Of unexpected ends and unexpected new life.
I’ve been writing it all in my personal diary but I need to catalogue this. Here on my blog. My real journal. So, read on, if you got lot of time on your hands. 🙂
It doesn’t get lonelier than this. It’s almost like people have come together and decided to boycott me or not talk to me. Or maybe I did this to myself. I boycotted/ignored/distanced myself from people. They were killing me. The environment was toxic.
Then why am I looking to get those same people back in life whom I hated/resisted? Perhaps, I’m looking for human interaction. I’m just looking to talk to anyone. And I’m unable to move out. I actually don’t want to quit my job. I just want a place where I’m able to work peacefully. Where people don’t mind me as much. Where people are welcoming than the antagonistic environment this has become.
I tried moving. I tried reaching out to people. But no one wants to hire me. It seems like I’ve hit the end of the road. It’s like there’s nothing and no one out there who needs me/wants me. There’s no more value I can add in the current setup. I don’t want to stay here. That is true. And pretty certain. No matter how much I enjoy working with WV folks. I enjoy learning from them. But I’m no longer interested in working here.
I understand I’ll need to step out slowly. But it’s been a long way. I’ve been tired for so long. It seems I’m unable to move out.
I quit my job yesterday. I think it would be two more months that I stay employed while I’m in my notice period.
It’s a weird place. An unknown place rather.
I don’t regret my decision. I don’t want to go back to the place. Nor do I think it’s something I could continue. I could probably try to get another job but I think it wasn’t happening. I think this was coming my way all along.
I think I should be happy if this was my destiny. Rather than thinking of it as something I did, I would rather like to believe it’s a milestone God has brought me to. I should be happy because it comes before I went too far on the path of sin. Because that’s what my job had turned into. It made me to a person no one liked. No, it’s not about others. But it was a sign. I could not see earlier. I now do.
I have never liked what I see when I reflect upon my past. It brings me only thoughts of guilt and self loathing.
It was a quiet relaxed day at home. After Tarun’s strong reaction to my idea of life coaching, it did settle me.
I did not like his strong use of words or the tone, but I understood his concern. He wants me to take a complete break before plunging again into anything. I think I do need that.
I did painting, reading, went to walk with Tarun twice. Talked to Ayushi. Told her about my decision. It’s always so easy to talk to her.
I and Tarun talked about how we want to focus on. That has to be Anay.
Some key points:
- Focus on Anay’s wholesome growth – brilliants, maths, aptitude, logic, sports.
- Focus on building a network of friends.
- Focus on writing. Discipline of writing.
- Do things irrespective of money.
In-laws are visiting today. I don’t remember the last time they stayed overnight. It’s been really a long time.
It’s Day-3 of my decision. I was having second thoughts about quitting work. I was a strong woman. I liked that powerful woman. The outside. But I don’t like the woman I had become inside. So, I do know it was time to move on. And hence the decision is right. I could not stretch it any further.
I did think if I should try and get another job. Maybe start applying. But I think it’s an opportunity I should take. Of a break. Of soul searching. Of finding out what my life would be if I’m not working. Not just imagine or be scared or have my apprehensions. But find out, for real.
So, for now, I’m sticking to it.
Had a long discussion with Papaji about Rampal Ji. I’m inclined to follow him. Mostly because of the dreamy life he promises.
I asked him a question – ‘What was different between when you were following the earlier Guru vs Him. What difference did you feel in your own life?’
He said something like ‘I was following but I never found peace/happiness/sukh. Life was still full of troubles and dukh.’
And this clicked.
I don’t like the way my FIL pushes. He keeps on and on about it. But if I found something as magical, perhaps I would be harping about it to my kids all the time too. So, I kind-a get him.
I’m scared but I want to try following him. Seeing if it brings me the miracles and happiness promised. Freedom from the troubles of the mind.
What I want ? Everything! Success, Fame, Health, Peace, Salvation. All.
Such a major decision, such a random happening. And yet, nothing ever looked this right. Pretty much nothing coming from anyone to make me doubt. The more I talk, the more I think, I find this to be the right time and the right decision for me.
I talked to HR today. He tried to convince me that I shouldn’t quit but take sometime off. The only thing he could convince me of, was that I should not give up on myself. Perhaps it is the time to redefine myself. My Identity. My new life.
I talked to mother-in-law as well. She’s simple minded. She didn’t have a lot of reflection on what the decision would mean to us, for me. But she could tell me about her life, her journey and her tribulations. I think that helped.
I’m heavily considering taking Rampal route. I understand that it won’t be easy and I might not see miracles like I dream of. But it shall bring me peace of mind. Real happiness maybe.
What do you think?
– Love, Hope
It’s still morning time. About 12 noon. I’ve realized I can’t do this (<job>) anymore. Even if I wanted to continue, I cannot.
It all seems pointless. The work I’m doing, the learning it requires. I do not want to continue it. There are small bits and pieces I like – like people I felt a connection with. Or the places I got to travel. Or the moments that made me feel like an accomplished woman.
But I’ve understood it’s all fake. I’ve understood I would need to accept them as beautiful memories of my journey and move on.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I can see it’s an end of a life I’ve known so far. I don’t know what future will offer. Whether this path is path to nirvana and happiness or path to a further gutter of darkness. With life, even when you think you’ve seen your worst most bottom, life shows you there’s another layer down that you could go. So, I don’t know if I’ve hit rock bottom or another one is coming with this decision of mine.
I know this. There’s no way back. And this is the only way forward.
Dear God, please be merciful and kind to me.