A giant leap of faith

Dear Diary,

You may remember (thankfully, you always do, unlike husbands!) about my List of 30 and my Dream No 16. Well Well! The post is about that.

After having dabbled in my career for 11 yrs now, I had almost lost hope of pursuing this any more. I had almost reached to the point where a dream seems like a silly idea any more and you trash it.

So, recently, our company started an IDP process – Individual Development Plan.

Under this program, the manager extends an IDP form to his best employees. This is an endeavor to make people feel cared for, and to know (secretly) if they are interested in quitting 😉

Well! I believe the idea is pretty novel. And, there are very few workplaces who like to invest any time or thought into what ’employees’ want. So, I think I’m deeply impressed by my company AND by the management for following up on this diligently.

So, with the IDP, I was forced to acknowledge, reconsider and reopen my now-closed-pandora-box of dreams. And, I realized there’s nothing else I would like to try more than ‘this’.

And, that’s what I wrote in my IDP.

I am still unable to believe that I actually took the first step here, in this direction, and shared my crazy-sounding dream with my Manager. This may cost me all that I have built so far. And what I have built, is a lot for a lot of people out there. It’s perhaps the most settled and most-sought after position in my career graph currently.

But then, what’s life if not for an adventure. And, if you really want it, you gotta jump without the rope.

So, here I am, taking my big giant leap of faith. And, striving for my dreams.

Wish me luck! O Dear God, please please please be with me.

-Hope

What is it about youth?

Look around and you see people ‘worshipping’ youth. The age group of 18-29. Approximately. The golden age of youth.

The ones who are younger, wait for the time when they will grow up and experience it. The ones who are older and over with it, try hard to keep it. Whether it’s by trying to dress up that way, or it’s by trying to look the way. To act, opine, eat, live…anything and everything is controlled, driven by youth and what it entails.

As I finally admit to myself that the glorious youth time of mine is over, I look back and wonder. I wonder what it was about youth that makes it so desirable!?

Yes, it meant being healthy. Not to worry about aching joints or bulging tummies because you ate pizza yesterday. The metabolism is good and your body is able to accept all that. But that can be achieved or maintained even later.  By choosing a healthy lifestyle. What else?

I think the answer is personal. May change from person to person. For me, this is what I miss apart from above, of course! –

It meant being more desirable. It meant being the center of positive attention without even trying. All the time. All places.

It meant having complete confidence in my decisions and choices.  The unabashed faith you have in your ideas, decisions and choices was a-ma-zing! I miss it.

Life brings regrets and failures.  They make you worry about failing more. More than the rush, the thought of success brings. Youth and young age is free of those experiences. And it brings a carefree arrogance that makes you believe you can fly.

And, fly I want to.

It doesn’t matter what tomorrow holds. It doesn’t really matter whether the plan will succeed or fail. What matters is I tried. What matters is the exhilaration the experience will bring.  And for that, I want to try.

Not worry.

Just open my wings one more time and take a leap of faith and jump!

<Bliss>

-Hope

My mini escape

What is it about travel?

Your mind is dull. It is so full and tired. It is full yet devoid of any meaningful thoughts. It is bereft of the capability to make any decisions, of making any choices. Someone makes that decision for you and you’re sitting in your car,  going out of the city. Moments turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. And as you leave the city behind,  your mind starts to leave the thoughts behind too. The thoughts,  which were tormenting you for so long, the ones which you were ready to get rid of by any means. Even if it meant taking sleeping pills, just let me be! But they won’t stop. They would be with you even while you sleep.

And here you are! Being transported. Because you don’t remember making that decision.

You travel and suddenly, they are gone. As if they never existed! You find your mind blank. Blank after a real long time.

And you see the trees, the leaves, the clouds, the nature. It seems it’s only now that you’re seeing them. You never saw them before.

You’re in the hills. Cool wind starts to bellow. It’s about to rain. As wind blows hard, the long, tall trees start to sway.  Left and right, they go together. The wind slows down. The trees come to still but the leaves start to shimmy. 
It’s like witnessing a symphony. A Masterpiece in progress. The trees and the leaves, both playing their parts to perfection. They are so in sync to the Master’s commands that nothing goes amiss. No errors. No mistakes.

It’s beautiful. An unforgettable moment. An evening to remember. An evening in Nainital.

Nainital: You are truly mesmerising.

Love,

Hope

Love letter

Dear Diary,

How have you been? I missed you. I came to you last, quite a while ago. It’s not that I don’t think of you. I think of returning to you, talking to you, each day but life keeps me away. In my moments of sorrow, you’re my solace. In my moments of joy n bliss,  you’re the first who comes to my mind. No kidding!

I don’t know how. I just come to you with my problems, pouring my heart out on your pages. My deepest fears, my biggest regrets, the confusions, the dilemmas..all are embedded within your pages. I don’t come expecting solutions. I expect no results. But, somehow, by the time I finish my writing, my mind, my heart is filled with a light. Like a neon bulb that starts flashing somewhere.  Showing me the light at the end of a tunnel.

And in that mystical way, you become my guiding star.

And I want to thank you for that! For being an unconditional friend who has stood by me for so long.

I love you!

Hope

Listen to silence

A thought worth remembering. Wonderful story!  🙂
http://wp.me/ppmHN-147

Of life and second chances

The say life doesn’t give you second chances. They also say life is harsh and is a constant battle. 

I find the first adage kind of impossible to be true if second was true.

What happens when you are unable to succeed? What happens when you wanted to get something, like a dream or a goal, and you didn’t /couldn’t achieve it? In some cases, there’s a feeling of failure. Sometimes there is a regret of not trying (hard enough). Sometimes you’re so, soo done that there is nothing more you want to try or dream for. 

But. But, even after that, even after the hardest blow, life doesn’t say that you cannot try again!? ‘You’ feel that the window of opportunity you had to achieve the goal is lost. ‘You’ feel that you cannot go any further. ‘You’ think that it doesnt get any worse than this. But, life doesn’t let you stop. Life doesn’t let you quit. So, from what I see, life is not really letting you give up. Life is brutal that it doesn’t give up on you. No matter how badly bruised you are, you have no choice but to pick up your battered soul and ‘move on’. 

So, on the contrary, life is all about second, third , fourth, or infinite chances.  It’s about making as many mistakes as you want, as many as you can. It is about living with the consequences of those mistakes too. But, it is about remembering that nothing is more important in life than life itself. Live, Breath, Do, Wish. And stop thinking. Stop worrying about the what-if because life will anyways move on. It’s all in your mind – the good, the bad, the right, the wrong, the guilt,  the regret, the hurt.

As I tread through the murky waters of depression, I realize, most of our emotions are nothing but mind games.  Nothing is really wrong with my life. From the outside, it’s a picture-perfect kodak life. But, my mind tells me otherwise. It plays havoc with my emotions to make me feel like a maniac, a loser. It makes me believe that this one material possession, this title defines my identity. It makes me go nuts about losing things which have no significance in my life and thus, should have no significance in my decisions. But, they do. They weigh heavy.

Because life doesn’t stop and the weights of regrets are heavy. 

Of rocky times and reflections

Dear Diary,

Can I say life has never been more indecisive for me . I would like to believe, rather I do believe, that something amazing is about to happen but it’s taking a little more time. But, what if I’m wrong? What if, this is the reality and it is to stay that way? What if it continues this way till it breaks me? Is there anything which breaks a person? Truly, completely, shattering? I think sudden incidents can do that but gradual dismal life..? I think it only makes you bitter and perennially sad. That is where this seems to be heading – perennial sadness.

I remember being in such a phase before. It was when I was living with my in-laws. I know it was a state of depression. Had I visited a doctor, he would have put me on pills. Or, maybe not! Maybe, I am just a self-absorbed snob who gives too much importance to one’s feelings and state of being. Maybe nothing is actually wrong but I’m an old lady who keeps feigning sickness to get some more attention.

Sigh!

Another dilemma. Another inconclusive chain of thoughts.

In the meanwhile, I reflect and find some interesting observations:

1. There are five senses of the body – Brain(Mind/Thoughts), Eyes(Vision), Ears(Listen), Nose(Smell) and Skin(Touch). Gita tells us one must learn to control the senses than the other way round. One must not be a slave to the senses (which I totally am). Did you notice that the mind is part of those senses, but heart is not?

Often one is in a dilemma because mind and heart are at cross-ends. Most often heart is where we want to go but mind tells us otherwise. Are the scriptures trying to tell us something here?

2. Most of the idols at old places – like Vaishno Mata Mandir, or Shiva temple at Amarnath, or Hanuman murti at Marghat wale baba mandir at Kashmere Gate, or Khatu Shyam ji, Rajasthan, and many more. They all are almost a stone with eyes/hands/nose etc sketched on them. Basically, in their original form, they are just stones.

Can we say that initial forms of God were actually stone. So, basically, man originally believed that if he put a stone and ‘believed’ that his God almighty lives in it, it will be so. The stone will have the power to do miracles in his life somehow. And, it did. It must have because that’s why we have so many people visiting this place because the faith gave results. So, long before, Hinduism fell to the hands of idol-worship, it was actually a religion of faith. Where the faith was more powerful than the figurine being worshipped. It was the idea, the thought and the belief that some power is bigger than me, and if I call out to that power each day, it will help me solve my problems.

I wish we could go back to that form of worship again. It would resolve so many conflicts the world faces today.

-Hope