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I want and I must…

I want to cry, but I must smile…

I want to shout, but I must be humble…
I want to break free, but I must remain bound.
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Life’s getting difficult

This is the detail of my earlier post “Life’s sucking blood”. I feel guilty of blabbering about my family issues out in public but I’m too stressed with everything and need to remove the garbage accumulating in my mind.

I feel as if my mind has become a venom-secreting machine these days. Every time the thought of getting separate from my in-laws or getting away from my marital family, is in my mind. No matter how hard I try to evacuate the thought from my mind, I can’t. I may get over it and get to normal for a day or two, but then again something happens and it’s back in my mind. This thought is affecting my relation with my husband also. I don’t want to show him or tell him that I’m thinking about it all, yet ‘again’. And, I cannot hide from him because he realizes it from my face. I don’t need to tell him for him to know that my mind is thinking again, and it’s thinking negative. And, it’s the same thought.
Everyone around me tells me that I’ve the most helping and supportive family that one could get in Indian marriage. My MIL helps me with house-hold chores. She tries to be the same way with me as she’s with her own kids and she does it with full fervor. I didn’t know anything in kitchen. She has never cribbed about it and tirelessly helped me learn and grow there. My FIL is also a very caring and gentle person. He never pushes me for anything. Gives us full space and respect, that one could ever ask for or expect.
Still, I feel like I want to stay away from them. I don’t know what exactly is my reason for that. I don’t ever say that my reasons are valid enough to separate such parents from their only son, but I know that I can’t live with them, and respect them truly from heart, at the same time. I want to. I know they deserve it completely. But, I’m unable to.
No matter how much I try to accept them, their ways, their beliefs, their lifestyle or their traditions make me feel sick and I feel like running away from the place. The change in lifestyle and mindset of my in-laws from my parents is so huge that its getting difficult for me to bridge the gap. One can leave old life and start a new life only when one looses touch with the past. The past and the future can never co-exist. When I talk to people from my pre-marital life, I get back into the same old life and ways and thought line, as I had before marriage. And, when I come back to reality, to my marital life, it all changes. All the things that mattered to me before marriage are baseless and cannot matter anymore in my life. My career, my understanding of the world, my way of spending, my way of living. I need to change everything to settle here. And, I don’t need to feel bad about it also.
I have an all-housewife family here and I had all-working and career-oriented family there. My parents still say and feel that I should try and grow higher in my career and my in-laws wish that I somehow get into Teaching line so that I can give more time to family. I don’t know what to do.
At career side, changing job was one of a turning point in my life. Now, when I’m earning a decent amount, I’m realizing that it comes with a lot of responsibility and work. My office needs and demands more of my time. A life where I spend most of my time at office or with office work….take calls in evening to talk with my US team, work on extra stuff to get some innovation. Basically they need employees to do just office work and no extra work. But, married women have another job and that is there family which needs equal amount of their time and there’s a lot of work to be done when you get back home. I tried to balance the two but somehow I was neglecting my work without my realizing it. Now, since I’ve finished my 6 months here, they want me to take more responsibilities and spend more time for office. This is all getting too stressful for me. It’s not just work that’s there but the pressure as well.
I have discussed the same with my husband but he cannot give me any solution either. Since we’re living with in-laws, most of the household work is already taken care of. I just need to go home and cook food. This is something he’ll never accept that we get done from a maid. So, there’s nothing we can do here. This further stresses me up as I seriously need time for myself and for relaxing a bit, and I get none. I wake up at 5.30-6.00 now out of tension. And, am not able to sleep before 11.00 pm. I don’t know how to cope up. I don’t know what to do.
God, do I need to wait for your next Avatar to get me out of this situation? I need relief immediately!! I don’t want to hurt anyone, esp my husband who’s the most beautiful soul I’ve met… and I cannot continue like this. It hurts even more to see him pained because of me! I had vowed to give him all the happiness in life and NOT these miseries. It really hurts!
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nasha

Am glad old tradition-makers didn’t know of coffee at that time, else they would have branded it as “nasha” too and banished it from our lives like cigarette and liquor. Phew!

Moral : Excess of everything and anything is bad. You should be educated and sensible enough to know when to stop, no matter what it is. Stop following the rules, apply your mind.