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Phoenix times

I had a terrible time in US. It was the time when I practically died and was reborn. In those times, I was totally alone. I was totally shattered. I wanted to die but death doesn’t come to those who want it. I wanted to kill myself but that needs a hell lot of courage. I didn’t have that either. The day my SP Jain result came, I went into a trance for almost a week. I don’t remember what happened. I don’t remember what I did in those days. And, it’s not now that I can’t remember it, even then, 2 days later, I couldn’t recollect what had happened in those days. I just remembered the day the result came.
After lot of crying, cursing, sulking, and hitting myself, I gathered myself. I engulfed myself with work. I am glad I had my group of girls around me who supported me by just talking to me. I never told them the mess I was or the mess my life had become, but it was still a healing thing talking to them.

I had lost everything I had. I never followed the world’s rules and always made my own. I doubted my conviction now. I always followed my heart for decisions. I had no heart left in me. I made no decisions anymore. I used to laugh out loud with everyone and anyone. I stopped talking to people. Even the girls I used to talk, I never talked personal things. I just listened to what they had to say. I used to look at guys, I stopped. I used to watch movies, I stopped. I used to enjoy going out, I stopped. I just followed the routine.

I called my parents a few days later and told them I want to get married and you can start looking for a match. They were so relieved, I could feel it in their voice, even when they didn’t say anything about it.

The time for my going back to India came. I reached home after a complete 6 months. 11 January’2009 – 17 June’2009. People used to crib on how different it feels when you return to India from US. I never felt like that. On the contrary, USA felt like a long dream which had ended. Nothing looked changed in India. That’s what home is. Nothing had changed for me in my surroundings…in my external. But, internally, everything had changed. There was nothing left of the girl who went to US 6 months ago.

I used to be a dull girl professionally. My eyes had opened to so many things now. My heart used to be a constant wanderer looking for new pastures. The search had not just ended, it started looking pointless. I always wanted to find love in my life. I now hated the word ‘love’. I disliked slow songs, serious movies, romantic novels. I just liked things practical, worldly.

My dad had been looking for matches for me ever since I told him to. He was looking for them on Jeevansaathi avidly. I came to know the intensity of his search and his dedication only when I returned, when my mom and my brother told me about it. I was anyways, too removed from these things…anything even remotely connected to love.

I had totally succumbed myself to whatever fate had in store for me. I had decided that I would not get love in my life again. Marriage simply means compromises and responsibilities and happiness for my parents. That’s the reason I am going to marry. And, if I am marrying for their happiness, I would not create any fuss on the person they chose.

All this resulted in the fact that, before anyone knew, on 14 August,2009, I was engaged. Not even a month before I had landed back to India. The person chosen for me had nothing I had ever looked for in a boy. He was the kind I wouldn’t even give a second look perhaps, if given a choice. Even before I had met him, I had this clear in my mind.
1. My parents like him and desperately want things to go through.
2. I want my parents to be happy.
So, I let things happen.

But, as they say, whatever happens, happens for good. That’s what happened. I never ever imagined God would be so kind to me. I have never felt so blessed ever before.


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