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Just yesterday I mentioned on how am feeling guilty about not telling Tarun about the novels am reading at office. And, today, he calls me, and asks me “What’s the name of the novel you reading?” And, I swear, I didn’t mention even an ‘a’ of the novel to him. 

I was all the time itching to tell him and then tell him the story of the novel. HAHAHA! 
Perhaps, he got it when I said “Ya, am working, thoda thoda”. The thoda-thoda gave me away, I guess 😀

I guess in a husband-wife relationship it’s impossible to lie. You are so easily caught. But, it’s fun!!! We just love to do this novel-story-telling activity. This way he gets to hear a new story and I get to re-live my experience of reading the novel. With harry potter, I practically told him even the dialogues Snape said or the curses Harry used!
God, it’s year end and a happy year it was!

Wish you all a very happy new year and a merry merry christmas! 🙂
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Shut-down period

Tarun’s shut down begins a week before mine. So, this week was when he stayed at home while I went to office. This has given Tarun and Anay some quality time together. While Tarun felt tired and exhausted by this baby-sitting in the first two days, he started enjoying it all in the third day. He took Anay to the park in afternoon. Winter afternoons, lazy, laid back, sun shining down on you, and your son toddling around, crawling here n there on the grass.
He called me to share the experience, and more likely, to make me jealous. But, having experienced such a thing myself, I was more happy and content. 🙂 
The bad side is that initially, when I used to get home, Anay used to be waiting eagerly for me but ever since his father was home all day, he totally stopped. 😦 Yesterday, when I reached, Tarun was out for some work, and I got to enjoy time with Anay again, the same way. 🙂
All’s well that ends well! 🙂
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I’ve been reading novels by Nora Roberts since almost two weeks now. Daily. In Office. In office hours. 😐
I had asked for some suggestions for books on FB and a friend had mentioned Nora Roberts to me. I read the summary of the novel, and ridiculed her for reading Nora Roberts. That’s so like MBs. But, ever since the day, I’ve been trying to get some of her novels to read. And, the result was that I asked Tarun to get it from market. For the time being, I read around 30 pages of it in a preview site. He forgot and I couldn’t wait. So, the next day I searched it up on net. I couldn’t find the book, but I found a tarball containing 37 of her titles. And, each one of the title is a novel in itself, so the first I read had 3 novels inside it. 
And, since Tarun wouldn’t like my reading a novel at home when I could spend some time with him and Anay so I read it in office. I didn’t tell him that I’m reading novels in office because he doesn’t like me wasting office time for my personal stuff. But, I had no option. As an end result, I’m getting up regularly at 7.00 in the morning so that I don’t miss my morning cab. So that I reach office early and can read the novel further. Tarun’s shut down has already begun and he even offered one day that he would drop me to office. But, I just couldn’t wait to get to my novel. So, I got up and got ready for the cab. And, made it to cab 5 minutes early. God speed, I have, if need be…if drive be!

Now, for one, I lied to Tarun, which I don’t ever do. Mostly. I’ve work lying in office which has deadlines but I just can’t put the damn book down. I don’t remember my tea, I don’t remember my lunch time, which I used to so religiously follow. Everyone in my team knows that if Swati’s hungry then even a bomb blast cannot keep her away from her lunch, forget work. And, here I am, when people come to my seat to ask if we can go for lunch now, since it’s already 15 minutes past our regular time of lunch. Then also, I’ve to tear my eyes off my computer to go.

Now, the big question is that where will I stop? Will I miss my office deadline and still evade from the check-ins waiting for me? Will I waste my shut-down reading these novels than using my time to meet my parents and talk to them. There have been too many things I was planning to do during this shut-down hols at my parent’s house. God! I’m scared. I can see the impending disasters and my mind is already running to find out the excuses I’m gonna give them. 

I soo wish I had a personal home, totally personal, where I could do what I wished without feeling guilty. Where I could be just be myself and my heart could rule. My habitat. My home!
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Books AND Movies

I don’t know what is it about books that gives me such an adrenaline rush. Yes, I do know what that means, and I do know that people generally don’t get it from books or something as passive as reading books. You can say, my life is just this much exciting and book-reading itself is such a big deal that gives me a thrill.
But, no, it’s not like that. I’ve done adventure sports (well, I went to Adventure Island and sat on that silly merry-go-round kinda ride in India. You don’t know when the strap holding in your seat  may turn out to be defective and you are flying in the air, ready to take the death-plunge. I think that’s quite an adventure to last a life-time!) Never mind sports, I’ve many other exciting things in my life. (I can’t remember any but I do have!) 
Anyways, coming back to books. Books always have given me a hit, a kick no matter what’s going in my life otherwise. This is one place where I forget what my real life is like and just totally immerse myself into the character. It’s soo sincere a dip that I start feeling, thinking, behaving like the book’s character. A friend once told me “you should always tell me what you’re reading so that I can be prepared in advance on what to expect of you”. 😀 I think he understood me best there! I was reading Fountainhead at that time and the girl in it was Veronica, who expressed love by hurting her lover, Howard. 😀
The passion of reading a book is so that it drives me totally oblivious to my worldly requirements, urgencies, my commitments to the worldly things. I don’t care if I’ve a deadline waiting for me at work. I don’t care if my boss comes over my head and sees me reading a novel in office. I don’t care if I’ve to hide a torch in my blanket and read the book, or read it in the outside lamp’s light. If I’m on a book, I’ve to finish it. As soon as I can. Day or Night. Early or late. Today or Tomorrow. Everything seems to stop existing. If you can avoid being judgmental, then even my being a mother ceases to exist. 
I’ve never known passion or drive in any other way. In anything else. NO!!! Wait!!!
Yes, I’ve known it with movies . When am watching a movie, I totally forget my surrounding. I don’t care if no one else is laughing. I can laugh out loud on something I find hilarious. I don’t care if heads are turning around me. I forget that Tarun is asking me something about the movie character. I don’t even hear him asking me anything. It’s only when a break comes, that I realize he did say something. He’s got used to it now. Now, he doesn’t even bother asking when the movie is on. Ha!!! 

I can’t help it if it isn’t something constructive that is my passion. I can’t help it if the activities I enjoy most are not some successful businesses. This is all I know about passion. This is my most most  basic instinct. The carnal instinct. I can’t change it. I can’t enhance it. 

I love books and I love movies. And, love is too small a word to describe the emotion 🙂 God, please create a world with me and books and movies (and food) and I’ll be the happiest person. Love you, God! Take care!
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My worries and my vows

Has it ever happened to you that there’s everything in your life yet you feel empty and lonely? I mean, you’ve everything that the world thinks or says, is required for a happy life. You’ve a good home, a good job, a great supporting, loving family, money to spend on things you like, time to spend it too. But still you feel an emptiness, a void in your life that says “I want more”. Has it ever happened to you?
This is my state of being. I don’t know what is that special more that I want. I don’t know what’s wrong with what I have and what is it that will help me get more happier. Sometimes, I feel it’s just a mirage I chase. It’s a bad habit of worrying for nothing that makes me sad. When I have something to worry about, I’m more happy and at peace. Is it so?
Or, is it really something real. Is it really something that I wish for myself, that no one else can wish or know. Perhaps, a personal achievement of some sort. Well, ‘achievements’. Phew! That has been an eternal wish of mine which has never been satiated and will perhaps never be, either.
I tried listing down my wishlist. I couldn’t make a big list. It was again a random list that came to my mind at that time. I don’t think I’ll come down to the same list if I start writing it down again. Some will be common, of course, because I remember them from my last list. 😛 But, how do I come to the point which tells me that this is the direction you need to follow.
I worry a bit about my relations. I have had a 3-yr timeline for my relations. I’m in my 3rd year and am a little tense there. My past still haunts me on and off. Not in the sense of ghosts, but in the sense of guilt, reprise, slow-downs, perhaps. I hope this 3-yr timeline is just a lousy thought and doesn’t have much significance to it.
I worry about my personal, individual freedom being lost in my responsibility of motherhood. Or, vice versa. I try to merge the two. I try to make my rearing of my child as my aim/goal but somehow that doesn’t happen. The achiever, the career woman in me yearns for something as an entrepreneur. It yearns for a success that the world looks upto. Something which shows results in terms of money, growth and success. Something innovative. I have nothing in my mind but my mind is still full of multiple ideas.
I wish to continue with my studies. I want to do my Masters from some reputed institution. I don’t care if it’s a M.Tech or an M.B.A. What matters is the league I get attached to. I wish I had understood the importance of this feeling of being the alumnus of a reputed institute early in my life. My dad had given me the option of dropping 1 year for IIT. I never took that option. I never understood I would soo want it later in my life. Though, it’s a fact I still know, I wouldn’t have made it into IIT even after dropping at that time.  But, still. At least I would have tried. Now, when I know I want it, I don’t know if I can go for it or not. I don’t have enough drive. My passion is not passionate enough. I think a lot and do very less. I try to mend my ways but somehow I just lay lazy at the end of the day. This is my agony. This is my pain.

Does it all leave you confused? Well, I already told you, it’s a “Pandora’s Box” up there.

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FB Status Update

My mind is full of status updates today. Since people will call me a crack-head on FB, I’m throwing myself on Blogger.

1. People lose touch or drop a friendship on petty things these days. They don’t understand how much time they had spent in building that beautiful relation, once upon a time. They will never get time to re-build those, ever!

2. I wasn’t born an adult. I’ve grown-up and matured through the years, as everybody else. So, if you think I’m the same girl who was so foolish so many years ago, we know whose the fool here.

3. I want some ‘me’ time desperately!!!! 
Just because I want some personal space, some time alone, or have something to share with someone else except you doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It does NOT mean I’m moving away from you. And, it isn’t that bad either. Try it!

4. Rati Mehra : Just because you missed my birthday even after asking me my birthday date a week before my birthday, doesn’t mean you’ve to stop talking to me at all. I’m not going to kill you. You just need to say Sorry, hear me hurl abuses at you for some time, and get over it, dumbass!!! Saying sorry isn’t that bad! 😦

5. With Ranbir Singh’s Aadat se Majboor and John’s Dostana, we may just have pit boys being hired for the next F1. Guys, you’re doing just greattttt!!!!  😀

6. Ranbir Singh, plzzzz let me be the next!!!!
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There are 3 kinds of people in this world – one who work just to get the work done, they don’t care whether they did good or bad.

the second one are those who work because they enjoy the work and they do it to the best of their satisfaction. What others think of the quality of their work, they don’t care.
Then, there’s the third kind, which works and works to do their best but other’s recognition is also important. They want others to acknowledge the fact that they are doing good work.

The third kind is the worst and I lie in that.
It’s the worst because in this bad bad world, people are more interested in finding faults in you than acknowledging that you doing something good.
And, if you are me, where the person’s credentials also matter, whose complimenting me, you’re living a nightmare.

My husband always says that the thing you’re yearning for or running for is a mirage. You can never achieve it because it’ll keep moving away from you. You want to be like X but once you reach there, you’ll feel you need to be like Y. So, you never reach the stage of satisfaction. I know this is the truth but does it change anything for me? No. 😦

Having said all of this, you may feel that I must be good but think of myself as bad. But, when I look around myself, I’m not even equal to the bare minimum.
My dad used to say that Swati always scrapes through to manage being in the top slot. That was whenever my annual report card used to come in school. The grade system used to be “O” for Top 10% of students. I used to be almost last in reaching that slot but always was an O grader. Quite obviously, as the classes grew, the grade reduced from O to A etc.

I still live the same life. Now, it seems how does it matter if you are last in “O” grade or first. You’re ultimately an O grader. It matters to me. It leaves me in the dismal position where I want to think that I’m amongst the best minds but am not. I am periodically reminded this fact through my results. A new girl whose joined just 4 months ago is perhaps performing better than me, who joined an yr and a half ago. The comparison shatters my confidence, my ego, my right to live.

I perhaps take this too seriously but this is how life is for me. I don’t know what to do about it.