My worries and my vows

Has it ever happened to you that there’s everything in your life yet you feel empty and lonely? I mean, you’ve everything that the world thinks or says, is required for a happy life. You’ve a good home, a good job, a great supporting, loving family, money to spend on things you like, time to spend it too. But still you feel an emptiness, a void in your life that says “I want more”. Has it ever happened to you?
This is my state of being. I don’t know what is that special more that I want. I don’t know what’s wrong with what I have and what is it that will help me get more happier. Sometimes, I feel it’s just a mirage I chase. It’s a bad habit of worrying for nothing that makes me sad. When I have something to worry about, I’m more happy and at peace. Is it so?
Or, is it really something real. Is it really something that I wish for myself, that no one else can wish or know. Perhaps, a personal achievement of some sort. Well, ‘achievements’. Phew! That has been an eternal wish of mine which has never been satiated and will perhaps never be, either.
I tried listing down my wishlist. I couldn’t make a big list. It was again a random list that came to my mind at that time. I don’t think I’ll come down to the same list if I start writing it down again. Some will be common, of course, because I remember them from my last list. 😛 But, how do I come to the point which tells me that this is the direction you need to follow.
I worry a bit about my relations. I have had a 3-yr timeline for my relations. I’m in my 3rd year and am a little tense there. My past still haunts me on and off. Not in the sense of ghosts, but in the sense of guilt, reprise, slow-downs, perhaps. I hope this 3-yr timeline is just a lousy thought and doesn’t have much significance to it.
I worry about my personal, individual freedom being lost in my responsibility of motherhood. Or, vice versa. I try to merge the two. I try to make my rearing of my child as my aim/goal but somehow that doesn’t happen. The achiever, the career woman in me yearns for something as an entrepreneur. It yearns for a success that the world looks upto. Something which shows results in terms of money, growth and success. Something innovative. I have nothing in my mind but my mind is still full of multiple ideas.
I wish to continue with my studies. I want to do my Masters from some reputed institution. I don’t care if it’s a M.Tech or an M.B.A. What matters is the league I get attached to. I wish I had understood the importance of this feeling of being the alumnus of a reputed institute early in my life. My dad had given me the option of dropping 1 year for IIT. I never took that option. I never understood I would soo want it later in my life. Though, it’s a fact I still know, I wouldn’t have made it into IIT even after dropping at that time.  But, still. At least I would have tried. Now, when I know I want it, I don’t know if I can go for it or not. I don’t have enough drive. My passion is not passionate enough. I think a lot and do very less. I try to mend my ways but somehow I just lay lazy at the end of the day. This is my agony. This is my pain.

Does it all leave you confused? Well, I already told you, it’s a “Pandora’s Box” up there.

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12 thoughts on “My worries and my vows

  1. It happens oh so much! I can relate well to the “success” or “professional” trauma you mentioned. Though I am not still a mother, and in a better position to handle work-life balance.. but I have realized for sure – what 'they' think, cannot 'mean' success to you. But if you too think that – that's how success has to be, then it's a different thing… And remember, the passion never dies, it might get lazy for a while though.. Good luck for when your kiddo has grown up a little! You can still rock! And make things happen!

  2. Well, I can recognize me in this.. especially the first you wrote about. I have everything I need.. However, there are times I am so little satisfied.., it is like pain. There are many trials you should review. It would appear that it is easier when the kids get bigger.

    I am often looking for the small details that can make me in a better mood, and God`s faithfulness no matter what/how life goes.

    You wrote that I should not comment, well, I could not help it. I hope you do not bite 🙂

    Thanks for your nice comment, I appreciate it.
    God bless you:-)

  3. @Nelofur: Thanks for visiting. After writing this post, when I read yours, it was truly inspirational. It gives you the message of keeping you faith strong, which was perhaps what I was looking for…that life's not over yet for me, and the times will come when I will have a chance of doing something for myself.
    @Spiderdama: I do exactly the same when am in a bad mood..try to look for small good things. And, for commenting, I said that 'I' usually dont comment though I visit your blog often. I never asked u to not comment 🙂 I love comments just as everyone else 😛 🙂 Thanks for visiting.

  4. well, it does not only happens with you but I am also the victim of this dillemma.Although There is everything in my life, money, luxury, home and property, a good running large scale business, each and everything which an orninary person might only think of, yet I am unhappy and searching for what, I don't know. There is a offer of government job for me and my father is supporting me to join it yet I am confused and chasing my false and uncertain dreams.
    by the way you have written very well..
    nice post

    Jitendra

  5. @Jitendra: I can totally understand your position and relate to your confusion. It's the same with me. I keep having these dilemmas day in and day out.
    @Spiderdama: Don't worry. We ride the same boat. Happens to me too. 😛
    @BB: Perhaps, we're not on the same page 🙂 I'm talking about future n u bout past..Or, am I confused again about wat u meant..?? God, am another confucious. Never mind!

  6. you echo the state of mind of the modern day woman-cane here via Chintan and very glad I did!

    balancing motherhood and a life on the same track is something I have struggled with-i don't know if i have won now or just gotten used to of it..
    and the feeling of wanting something despite having it all is the worst mental fuck that can happen…but then thankfully it comes and goes!

    hang in there and try to pursue whatever you can-that's the only way to achieve some peace, even if temporary:-)

  7. @suruchi: Thanks for visiting and a special thanks for that advice. I sincerely need some, even if tiny, bit of insight on what will happen next in my life. Will I die hoping to be sth and live a life that I never wanted? Or, life will give me a chance to prove I'm worth much more. You're absolutely right, hanging on and pursuation are my best bet! 🙂

    @BB: You give me too much credit and you surprise me! 🙂 Thanks much. More than the share, those two lines of what you think about me or my blog, mean more to me 🙂 Thanks, yet again!! :))

  8. very honest thoughts of a woman
    liked the way you write.. its as if we are friends and you are telling me all of these.. and its nice listening to you.. write it off! and fly .. the sky is ours and so is the earth!
    thanks to chintan..

  9. Hi, came across your via Chintan's Blogs I recommend page. Your first line or rather question, said it all. Nicely put, layer by layer and everyone can relate to what you have explained here. Well written post, a worthy read…:)

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