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Remorse, Disappointment and Greed

The day hasn’t started really well for me.
While travelling to work, I was remembering my last crush, before my marriage, and brooding on past. How I wished to stay abroad for a couple of years. I still do. I often ask Tarun to try new waters, to go ahead and relocate somewhere for some time. But, he’s too satisfied a person. And me, am too dynamic to settle so soon. I feel sometimes like my career’s prime time is being wasted in being settled. But, this is how it is.
I feel like closing my FB account. Every day I see my peers who have relocated to different places in the world and having fun in life. Mostly are unmarried, not to mention. 😛 The pity of me is that the time I started enjoying singlehood and freedom from relationships, I got married. At that time, I wanted marriage. I wanted to be settled with one person. But, I wasn’t really looking for love or sacrifice or twosome time. I just wanted stability and F1-pace career! But, who said life gives you what you want!? It gives you what is best for you. So, it gave me what was best for me. Damn it!!!
After reaching to office, I have loads of work to do and all the desire to get through with it as soon as I can. The back log is increasing exponentially. But, I don’t feel like working. I want to look up jobs in US/UK. Try my capability. I know life is a primrose path there. All seems beautiful from here, not as wonderful there. The pressure and stress involved with work is much much more than in India. But, it’s a mad rage inside me to at least try. The irony of Delhi-bred children (esp the 80s born) is that the idea of running behind aim/goal/achievements is so high that even when the mad rush is over, they can’t get it out of their system. They need it in their lives always. In some form or the other. They can’t be settled with the regular goals which come with work or life. They need competition and results and accolades to keep their system alive and kicking. Otherwise, they are all falling into oblivion. Though, my husband seems to be an exception. He was born and brought up in a totally different kind of environment, despite being in Delhi, and now, ‘I’ am married into one.
You know, I feel that all my life, I knew that this competition, these goals that we are so madly following are not the real essence of life. There’s more to life like love, fun, friends, social bonding, humanity, festivals… I always wanted all of it in my life, the happiness of a family. Now, when am having it, I should be enjoying it. Enjoy the coffee till it lasts. But, it doesn’t seem to be happening. My bringing up has so marred my system and liking and behavior that I cannot just enjoy it. I need that something extra. Always.
They say, ‘if it irritates us so much, we should change it.’ I hope am able to do that.

13 thoughts on “Remorse, Disappointment and Greed

  1. Hmm! If you need help with respect to details of visa, how it all works, lifetsyle I can help.

    It is a myth that pressure of work is more this side, it isn't. Work culture is way more relaxed and mature, professional, at least in London or whatever little I know so far. USA, I can not say for sure. There is scarcity of jobs and there is a cap on Visa in UK too. USA, I think it's easier to get visa now. Few companies such as Yahoo!, Amazon and Linkedin have actually hired experienced people directly from India, some exceptions…that I happen to know of.

    If deactivating FB helps, do it! However, do not judge people by their photographs 🙂 Some NRIs do so only to flaunt their lifestyle, which they may not even be enjoying or living the way they portray 🙂

    Having said that, it indeed is an experience to live abroad…

  2. exactly, i agree to Chintan that it indeed is an experience to live abroad as i have experienced in m few small trips to Europe.

    Though I am not married, i still feels like closing by FB acc. bt after sm tie i realize it wont help any way. I also see ppl going Vegas for New Year and Hawaii for Summers and me struggling here in Southern India even though I am from north and spent 26 yrs of my 27 yr life there.

    Still, i agree we shud gv a chance and the proff. life way more better there either its US or Europe as compared to india. In those 8 hrs which we works, we will have more output as compared to that of India. Go ahead DEAR..! Wish u luck..!

  3. I do wish you would be able to change things although it looks grim-I know how you feel…all I ever asked my parents while they were groom hunting was not to get me married in my own town and that was THE only thing that happened!

    after a while you realize that your expectations from life are crumbling you within-find other alternatives…I know how important accolades can be-change jobs if you must…find new ways to satiate the need for thrill…and mostly these are phases that come and go….

    take care and remember you are not alone in feeling this way:-)and also sometimes god deliberately gives the unsatisfied one, a satisfied partner-who knows a better larger picture is being formed somewhere

  4. It is a strange thing this.. we have everything we want, but always want more.
    I have grown up in a big city, but as I`ve grown older I have moved to smaller and smaller towns .. Now I would have liked to stay far out in the country. Or travel to India:-)
    However, there is so much that attracts other places in the world, there is so much I will live to see.
    There is to be finding details that keep us happy where we are:-)

    Thanks for your comment.
    My best wishes and blessings to you and your family.
    Regards from Tania

  5. @All: Thanks for the boosting n kind words. I had a word wid one of my frenz yesterday. She's riding the same boat as me, of pining for the good life spent and snatched. 😛 Feeling better! 🙂

    @Chintan : You were the first name that came to my mind when I thought of visa n stuff…info! But, then the whole point faded because ultimately, without my family, I can't go. And, family does form the basis of ur living somewhere. So, I need something more to be consoled.
    @Nitin: Hope am able to use that luck u wished 🙂
    @Suruchi: You are the only one who understands me Darls! 🙂 😛 But seriously, you are so right that life/god forces some things on u and whether u appreciate them or not, they are the balancing ones in ur life. The reason u r still alive n kicking!
    @Tania: Your blog is a peek into the world I desire but I cant go for. At least I can enjoy it through your blog. So, u keep doing it and let others have the fun by watching, at least 🙂

  6. Hey Indu,

    I am a little shy about sharing my e-mail ID. Let's be friends at Facebook? You can find me at 'Swati Tarun Aggarwal' through Chintan's friend list. Welcome to my friend list 🙂

  7. Hey.. you know what Hope! I can relate quite a lot to your feelings in here. Even from your some past post, I got the vibes of that something which you are still chasing.. but there's a big 'But' always 🙂
    The career thing.. I feel sorry, for I know what it is to feel like doing something, and be somewhere, but you need your partner's support or willingness so to say for dreams like working abroad. It's much better, I have worked there on some temporary assignments, and found out the culture to be way different!
    I will still wish you good luck, may you land where you want to be. It isn't going to be easy, but if you truly want it, sooner or later, you shall get it! All you need is true grit!
    I recommend you this –

    All the Best! 🙂

  8. you kind of mentioned both sides of your feelings. I can only think of one word.. Peace !!! Its elusive to all of us…specially to people like me and you and so many like us. I know you will not like what I said but that's how it is. Relax and be happy.. See beauty in things that you have and you shall be blessed with the things you want.

  9. @Suruchi: Hmmmm, I know many of us relate to her. And we've all the reasons but I wish there was some middle way out, rather than any of the extremes. Well, the quest for that remains on. 🙂
    @Nelofur: Isn't it with all of us? The elusive 'something' that we keep chasing. The lifestyle, the society and the work-culture that we live in, how many people do u meet who are actually, truly content with what they have?! There's always something that they are hoping to get in life. Peace is all we want and Peace is what evades us all.
    As for truly wishing for something, I fear. I fear because I know that to get something you pay a price. And, I don't want to pay the price by compromising anything from my family/emotional support system. I'm not yet ready for that. Once am sure about my family with me, I'll definitely truly wish it 🙂

    @mohit: Welcome back to blogworld, friend. I thought MBA drained out your pen-skills and writing juices. Eagerly waiting for some more posts from you, and on some periodic basis 🙂
    As for the post, well, my posts are always judgmental. I'm always weighing – the problem, and the cause of the problem and the remedy. So, u will mostly find me giving both sides 🙂 You perfectly summarised it -Peace. Yes, that's what am looking for and that's what I don't get. I know we need to see beauty in things we have. But, wahi to nahi ho paata hai na!!! 🙂

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