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I’ve been in a reflecting mood since quite some days now. I’ve been thinking a lot. In silence. Alone and in company. I lose track that someone is talking to me. Not always that the discussion is boring. It’s just that the thought process going on is more encapsulating.
What have I been thinking? Nothing in particular. About past, about my present, about the promising yet alluring, future. I brood a lot on these things.
It could be because I’ve started travelling alone to office. That is, Tarun doesn’t drop me to office any more so I travel in my office cab where we all maintain a agreed-upon silence. No one talks to no one. And, we all are free to travel in our own mystic worlds of thoughts and dreams. 
It could also be because of the me time I got at Hyderabad that I’m in a thinking-mode. 

But whatever it is, I’m feeling more with myself. I’m able to realize that this is what the true Swati would be like. Now, what is that supposed to mean? Well, I’ve a habit of losing myself and becoming the person I’m in love with. (Well, I should add, ‘currently’! But, never mind!!) 
So, I do things that I feel like. Truly driven by my heart. I no more pretend. I try not to pretend as long as I can, without hurting someone’s feelings. 
I sent an impromptu mail to someone I had never talked to, or known. I just found an e-mail ID somewhere and without talking about it to Tarun, I just fired an e-mail to this guy about a likely business-alliance that we could have. This is in a totally new direction. Something that I have always wanted to do. Something I always wanted my parents to be convinced about, but never could. Something I never knew how to reach. This was my moment, my chance, my opportunity, my window, my gate. My everything to that one thing. 
So, I ended up writing a bizarre mail to that person telling him that I want to work with you. Gave him a short brief about who I am and what of me could be useful for his work. And, surprisingly, the guy called me back in the evening. And, he was as excited as I was, after reading my mail. That was quite nice a feeling. After having a discussion with him for around 20 minutes and 38 seconds, I was left elated and with a task. 
Now, it’s been 3 days or more since we talked but I haven’t done anything productive on the task. Well! I’m taking my time. This time, I’m not concerned if I’m going to let go of the opportunity and miss the band-wagon! I know, I can take my time. I know I’ll not the train be gone without me boarding it. And, I’ll board it when ‘I’ am ready for it.

Ever since that call, ever since that mail I sent, I’ve had a peace dawn into my heart. It’s like that dialogue of Kareena from ‘Jab we Met’ – 
“Mujhe raat ko darawane sapne aate the ki meri train chhooot rahi hai, main bhaag rahi hoon train ke peeche lekin woh jaa rahi hai.”
I can understand, relate to, that same kind of restlessness in my heart which has gone away now. I can feel like my dream, my passion has found home. I can see where I want to be. I have seen what “I’m home” means. It’s a great feeling. Truly, a great feeling.

Oh God! You’re indeed kind. Thanks. Be with me!

6 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. I am so glad to hear that there is a “I'm home” feeling…it is very rarely that women express the turmoil within so openly as you and sometimes I do-so we forge unmentionable bonds…and to see one in peace is therefore an equally joyous feeling:-)

    all the best with the new venture and with feeling more with yourself…let the true Swati be:-)

    also loved the previous inspiration of “attention is nourishment”-bloody true!

  2. @Pygma: Very true. 🙂
    @Chintan: Hahaha! So true. When there is a peak of happiness, comes a low, soon. Well, it comes and is definitely there but not in the same context. This is a peace of different level and the lows are on a different note. Hope you get the idea 🙂 😉

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