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What’s your problem?

This is a hate post. Frustrated one. Please don’t read.

Whenever I tell Tarun that I want to live separate, he asks me the same question – “What is the problem that you have here?”
It’s been 2 yrs and the question still persists. The problem still persists. I never could pin down my problem. I always told him some on-the-fly issues that I was facing. He would patiently hear me out. Then he would resolve them by giving me some perspective, some alternates and some love. And, I would feel like everything’s fine and am unnecessarily creating fuss. And, within a few days, I would be back to the point where I started – feeling miserable.
This has been a periodic process for me ever since I got married. I never could get him to agree to him, and I never could get myself to accept the circumstances as my fate and get used to it.
I blamed it on my MIL, I blamed it on my Parenting, I sometimes blamed it on Office too. But, I think nothing was ever the real reason.
The real reason is that I want freedom. I want my peace of mind. I need my space. I never get that in this setting. I have the freedom to do anything I want. My MIL never stops me but she can never appreciate it, I know. She may accept it for me but she can never understand it, I know. And, that makes me uncomfortable. She wants company, she wants everything together. And, I want things secluded. I want things personal. I like to keep them that way. I am right there, or I am wrong, why do I need to decide that? Everyone gets to be the way they are, then why can’t I be left to be the way I am?! Why am I expected to change, to adjust, to understand? Why the hell, why??! 
He says that things are so simple and Anay is so taken care of by them. They do so much in helping you. So much of your work is done and taken care of. You’ve no sense of thankfulness. I agree that no maid can take care of Anay the way they can. But, had it not been for them, I would have taken some different steps for taking care of Anay. My child would be mine. Now, he’s not mine at all. Now, the time I spent with him is so sparing and occasional, that I need to think what to do, when and if I ever get it. On the contrary, the case should be that I have some regular plan of doing something new with him. Whether it’s teaching him something new, or it’s engaging him in something unique, or it is just playing with him casually. It never is. I want the freedom to raise my child ‘my way’.
I have got so disappointed with my life that I don’t wish to live it any further. I have got so detached with human relations, so inconsiderate towards them, that I want to forget them all, and run away. And, this all comes to me only when am in office. When I am back at home, I am most docile and happy a lady. At least the picture is so. I am never rash with anyone, and never cross the line.

I wonder the problem is the home or the office.
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Man and the Machine

Well, this is not a mistake. I’m not talking about Man ‘vs’ Machine here but Man ‘and’ the Machine here. I don’t think machines are bad and shouldn’t have been there at all but I’m also a part of the clan who fear that too much mechanization may overpower Man.

Machines and more n more automated machines are ruling our world like never before. The amount of advancement Technology has done in past 5 years, it hasn’t happened in even, perhaps, ten years before that. Just look around you and you’ll see yourself so submerged into it that you’ve started doubting that life existed otherwise. We are the generation that grew up without telephone(even landline, forget mobile), cameras (forget digi-cams), for some of us, even cars.

Today, almost all of us are aspiring photographers who talk of DSLRs and camera modes on our pictures. We don’t have just telephones but our integrated with Android et al. Well, as long as this technology was keeping to technology domain, it was fine but now, it has started inter-mingling with our day-to-day lives too. We’re moving into the times when automation is creeping into our lives. The most innate part of our household is kitchen and to name a few, every kitchen which any of today’s generation woman sets up has – a microwave-oven and a food processor…at the least.

Now, you would ask what’s wrong with having a MWO or an FP? Well, I grew up in a house-hold where my mom used to spend hours in the kitchen to give us various stuff. Namak-paare, Aate ke laddoo, Til ke Laddoo, Gaajar ka Halwa. Ohh, I used to get the first share every time Mom cooked Gajar ka Halwa in the season. She would not make it unless I was home. Even today, when I visit her, she makes sure she makes it, even if it is in less quantity.

Now, in my kitchen, where I’m the cook, with all these amenities at my disposal, spending two hours in kitchen seems like a big head-ache to me. I don’t feel like doing it. I feel the difference in the taste of my food when I cut the vegetables with my hand, and when I cut them using slicer of FP. You would call it foolish but I’ve actually felt the difference. I would never admit it if anyone else in the family said that to me, but no one else says it…I myself feel the difference.

Our generation has got so impatient because of these automations that rather than making any sweets at home, we prefer buying it from outside. Thanks to the IT Sector boom (which again is attributed to Automation), our salary has gone so high that we need not worry about small expenses like sweets. Our parents used to cook at home because that saved cost. We couldn’t care less.

I don’t know if any of you feel that way but I’ve always felt that the food gets better when the feelings go into it. If someone cooks with love and care, the food is bound to taste better. More Attention, Better Results. And if someone cooks half-heartedly, the dish can never taste good, even if it’s cooked by an otherwise-expert.

We’re on the threshold of the times when moms not only stop cooking sweets but also stop cooking at all, and keep maids to cook. Do you ever think maids can bring that love, that health that ‘you’ could? I am myself on the point where I am tempted to get a maid for cooking but from within my heart, I know, I won’t be doing good to my family, my child especially.

And, this is not just for cooking, it holds true for all things that are mechanical yet have manual intervention. I feel the snaps that were taken by expert photographers were taken by manual camera. Even today, serious, passionate photographers are suggested to go as manual as possible for improving on their snaps.

I wonder how long will I be able to keep away from this automated-world. 

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Maturing up :P

Anay has crossed his 10 months and is now going towards his 11th. Ever since he crossed the 3rd Feb date, he has started understanding so much. You can see it on his face. He understands if you throw a ball at him and wait for him to do the same. Papaji played it with him and we have a nice video of doing the same with him. Papaji was making sounds like “Aaa” when throwing the ball, so you can see him making sounds too when throwing the ball. Yesterday, I pressed my palms on his cheeks and brought them down. Then I took his hands and did the same to my cheeks. Then, he did that again. Later, when Tarun was playing with him and did that to him, he repeated it to Tarun back. 🙂 Tarun was overwhelmed. 🙂
Simple moments, Blissful moments.
If mom-dad are having a cozy moment, then he would leave everything aside and jump in the middle. 😀
If someone is going out the gate, he’ll rush to the gate to go out. He doesn’t cry though, so that’s good part about it.
When anyone of us four returns from outside, we have to pick him up without any delay. Without waiting to keep my bags, I must take him into arms else he would freak out.
AND, he’s a true man. He dozes off when we take him to a mall. He, on the contrary, keeps wide awake when he take him to the park. He feels lost when mom n amma are getting ready for a party. He seems like “I fail to understand what’s the fuss about?!”. This is the kinda look he gives me. When I get all dressed up, and ask him. “Anay, mummy kaisi lag rahi hai.”, he’ll give me a look and then start looking elsewhere, as if he doesn’t care or as if he doesn’t recognize. God! It’s fun and funny at the same time.
Yesterday, we all were out for getting some bathroom fittings, so we all were engrossed in what mirror to chose, he got so tired of it, he started mumbling to himself. When no one paid attention, he started talking loudly. Then, you can’t ignore. Then, you have to leave everything and rush to get him his food.
The other day, Mji was trying to feed him daal-chawal. He wasn’t eating. She said “bataun abhi” and he started shouting to her, in a further louder tone. God, kids!
Till now, he can;t speak a word, yet he is most heard. I wonder what he’ll do when he actually starts speaking.
😛 🙂
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It’s his birthday today…

It’s my best friend’s birthday today. I just talked to him. It’s so unique a bond that we share. I call him a brother and he’s penned us as ‘Fribro n Frisis’. Friend-cum-sister 🙂

I had written about how I have been juggling of deciding whether to talk to him or stop being in touch at all. I have stopped counting how many times I have decided to stop all conversations. But, every time when he thinks of me (that’s how I think it works), I can’t stop myself from calling, or reaching him out. I get some kind of telepathic signal and I feel like talking to him.
Tarun doesn’t like us to be in touch. He doesn’t like me to be emotionally dependent on anyone but him. In these two years, I have tried to understand him, his reason behind it, and whether convinced or not, have followed him. I stopped talking to all my male friends, as in, the same way as I used to be. My contact with them is minimal. I have distanced myself I never thought was possible for me. I am the most asocial person anyone knows now. My office people don’t even know there was a different Swati that existed ever before.
But, it’s better that way. But, in case of Fribro, all rules stop to work.
Last time, I and Tarun talked on this subject, he had asked me  to stop all conversations with him. Before this, he was okay with my calling him once in a while, (not every week/day as it used to be). Last time, I had planned to meet him when I was gone to my Mom’s place…without telling Tarun about it. I chickened out of that meeting. I couldn’t do it. But, somehow, Tarun came to know of my now-dead-plans. He got really angry and asked me to stop any communication, whatsoever. 

Today, it’s  a holiday for my office but I’m still here. The moment I entered office premises, the thought of meeting Fribro came to mind. It was strong, really strong. I knew if I asked him to come, he’ll. All I had to do was just say it. But, I couldn’t do it. When his call came, I told him about my now-dead-again-plans. He told me he was planning the same yesterday, but didn’t do it because he wasn’t sure if I would be in office or not. He had no way of confirming it. 
I am glad he didn’t. Just like I didn’t.

This path of truth is so difficult. This path has no way of showing it’ll end in roses at the end. It’s just my belief in two things – 1. I don’t want lies to come in my relationship with my husband. 2. I don’t want my relationship with my brother to get dirty by any lies. It has been so pure ever since I know, that I want it to remain like that. There’s nothing wrong I did by being friends with him. A girl and a boy can be friends even without any platonic angle involved in it.  Why should I lie to be with him? I’m not being wrong in talking to him, or meeting him, so why should I lie about it?!

It’s my belief that things will come around. They have to. We just have to wait for it. It’s been two years since I married Tarun. It’s been almost 3 years since I last met my Fribro. Our friendship, our emotions for each other, are still the same. I know, if I need him, he’s just a call away. And, he won’t ask for any reasons for staying out of touch, to forward a hand of help for me. 
If any of us feels like there’s nothing to wait for, the calls will stop. The end comes every time I put the phone down. But, it’s never the end. 🙂
God, I will wait. If I’m right, I’ll win at the end. And, I’ll tell Anay about my Fribro one day with pride.

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Life changes a lot after marriage. Everyone knows that. It changes a lot more if it is an arranged marriage. Many of us understand that difference too. And, the changes are not just because you left your home and settled into a new home, new setup, but because you come face to face with the real, bad world only now.

When I was a child, which I was till the time I entered the adult world (that is, got married), I used to be the ruler of my destiny. I never regretted anything in my life. Even if any of my actions backfired, I always took them as learning. I believed that as long as it’s my decision, I would live by its consequences.

I dreamed of a home which I’ll decorate on my own, in my way. I dreamed of a job where I’ll be a name to reckon. I dreamed of a library which I’ll set up, where people will come and read books, as long as they want. I dreamt/planned of settling abroad. I still dream of sending my son abroad for his studies.

I used to be very close to my friends. I had very limited friends but whoever I had, were more important to me than even my family members. I could sense their emotions, them, even on a phone call. I still feel connected to them sometimes. There’s a friend of mine who was, rather ‘is’, very dear to me. We haven’t talked in almost 2 years now. I don’t know what went wrong. What happened… I tried getting back to her but never got the desired response. I want her back but now my ego is stopping me from calling back. But, I miss her. I have a feeling she’s pregnant. She hasn’t told me but there is something that tells me. Anyways, the point is that this is how close I have been with my friends.The telepathic connection was so strong.

But now…things have changed.

The house I dreamed of building, is a dream forever now. The interior designing I thought of giving my house, is a mirage and an impractical thought that I had in immature days.
The friends that I cherished and wanted to keep forever, have already withered into a black hole, as part of my whims and fancies.
The creativity I used to keep pouring out in some form or the other, is no more existing. I have settled for the Archies cards for special occasions, that I actually used as an additional item previously.
The way I wanted to raise my child, that seems to be going into the dreams part too.
The life I wanted for myself has become a part of the dreamworld.

The reason? The reason is this society. The rules this society has kept. I never believed in rules either. I lived by my rules, which I kept amending based on my understanding of things, with changing times. Now, I just follow the rules, as per the rule book. Why? Because it keeps everyone around me happy. And, I must not be so self-centered.

I wonder what is the difference between wishing for happiness and being self-centered. All the things I wished for are part of my ‘self-centered’ being. I know I can run away. That seems to be an ever-existing option for me. An option that I wanted to take soo many times in my life, but never did. I always had the guts but something always stopped me. It stops me still. I wish I could.

Oh Society! Please let me go. Please let me be. I want to live. I have existed long enough and I beg to not continue this way. Please don’t force me into the rebellious world. I want to co-exist.

Freedom is what I yearn for, freedom is what I ache for.
‘kaaga sab tan khaiyo mera chun chun khaiyo maas, do naina mat khaiyo mohe piya milan ki aas”
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What is it about road sense or directions and women? 
Why do people react as if they have seen a woman strip, if they see her ‘knowing’ directions. Well, the jaw drops as much! Trust me.
Well, I am a woman who knows her way. I understand which cut to take when am travelling on familiar roads. I do not forget or get lost if I’ve to travel back to my home alone.

Today, when travelling to office, I was sitting in the front seat. The driver was new and had to be told directions. The person sitting at the back seat, thought that I wouldn’t be knowing it at all, so he kept shouting the directions to the driver, for around 5 minutes. Now, in the morning, I like a peaceful drive to office. So, I silently started giving directions to the driver, with my hands, and sometimes vocally. The colleague stopped giving directions, thankfully.

But, even without turning my back, I could see/feel his eyes boring into my back, wide open with shock!
He was shocked that a girl could know/remember the directions so well. I was thinking inside my head, that I can give you alternate two routes to office, also. And I bet, you wouldn’t be knowing one of them yourself!
So, fuck off!!
What the heck man!!!

At my office too, in my team, there’s one girl. She lives just 5 minutes away from office. Almost everyone who comes to office, must be coming crossing her home. It is that near. And, she proudly says, “I do not know my route back home. I just sit in the office cab and wait for the cab driver to drop me. I don’t care to see the route around.” 
I never ridiculed her on this nonsense/absent-mindedness. But, the other day, when we were going out for a party and I was telling the directions to my Manager (who was driving). She again said, I don’t even know the directions from office to home.
$%^%^&@^!$%. This time, she asked for it. 
Well, if you’re a fool, that doesn’t mean all the women on this earth are fools, Madamouiselle!
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More wounds :(

Anay has started getting very naughty. He wants to be up and around all the time now. He’s completed 10 months today.
A few days ago, Mji was preparing some milk and biscuit for him. She had heated the milk with him in her hands. She just placed him in his high-chair so that she could dip the biscuit into the milk, break it and then feed him. In this short span of time, with her standing right next to him, he stood up in the chair, lost his balance and fell, right to the ground, with his head hitting the floor, at back.
I was gone to change clothes. I had just returned from office. And, when he fell, I had just came out. I saw him falling. The fall kept playing in my head for ennumerous times in these past days. It gives me jitters every time I remember it. My head gets dizzy whenever I think of  it. It’s like I’m experiencing the fall every time.
Well, nothing much happened to Anay. Thank God for that. He cried for a minute. And, then got dizzy. He wanted to sleep. But, Mji said this is the time they faint. So, you should keep them awake whenever anything like this happens. So, we took him down in the open. We rushed to the nearest doctor, just to be sure, everything was fine, with him. But, unfortunately, the doctor was out of station.
Anyways, we contacted our pediatrician, who lives a little far from our house. He asked us the regular symptoms and said, everything’s fine. So, we relaxed. But, it will remain as a nightmare.

Yesterday, he was on his way to another accident but we saved it in time. He has this walker (the three tyred walker, that’s better for kids, these days). He loves it totally. So, anytime he sees it, he holds it and wants to walk. But, he’s not practiced enough to walk with it, single-handedly. So, I usually make it a point to keep it away from his reach, whenever we’re not playing with it. Yesterday, Pji accidentally left it on the ground and forgot. He rushed to it and had already started walking when I saw him. Thank God, I saw it in time. Can’t take another one so soon.

I know kids keep falling, keep getting bruised. But, honey pie, you’re still too small. Please, give mamma some more time to be prepared for all this.
I need to be very careful now. Very Very careful.
God, be with me! And more with him!!