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Life changes a lot after marriage. Everyone knows that. It changes a lot more if it is an arranged marriage. Many of us understand that difference too. And, the changes are not just because you left your home and settled into a new home, new setup, but because you come face to face with the real, bad world only now.

When I was a child, which I was till the time I entered the adult world (that is, got married), I used to be the ruler of my destiny. I never regretted anything in my life. Even if any of my actions backfired, I always took them as learning. I believed that as long as it’s my decision, I would live by its consequences.

I dreamed of a home which I’ll decorate on my own, in my way. I dreamed of a job where I’ll be a name to reckon. I dreamed of a library which I’ll set up, where people will come and read books, as long as they want. I dreamt/planned of settling abroad. I still dream of sending my son abroad for his studies.

I used to be very close to my friends. I had very limited friends but whoever I had, were more important to me than even my family members. I could sense their emotions, them, even on a phone call. I still feel connected to them sometimes. There’s a friend of mine who was, rather ‘is’, very dear to me. We haven’t talked in almost 2 years now. I don’t know what went wrong. What happened… I tried getting back to her but never got the desired response. I want her back but now my ego is stopping me from calling back. But, I miss her. I have a feeling she’s pregnant. She hasn’t told me but there is something that tells me. Anyways, the point is that this is how close I have been with my friends.The telepathic connection was so strong.

But now…things have changed.

The house I dreamed of building, is a dream forever now. The interior designing I thought of giving my house, is a mirage and an impractical thought that I had in immature days.
The friends that I cherished and wanted to keep forever, have already withered into a black hole, as part of my whims and fancies.
The creativity I used to keep pouring out in some form or the other, is no more existing. I have settled for the Archies cards for special occasions, that I actually used as an additional item previously.
The way I wanted to raise my child, that seems to be going into the dreams part too.
The life I wanted for myself has become a part of the dreamworld.

The reason? The reason is this society. The rules this society has kept. I never believed in rules either. I lived by my rules, which I kept amending based on my understanding of things, with changing times. Now, I just follow the rules, as per the rule book. Why? Because it keeps everyone around me happy. And, I must not be so self-centered.

I wonder what is the difference between wishing for happiness and being self-centered. All the things I wished for are part of my ‘self-centered’ being. I know I can run away. That seems to be an ever-existing option for me. An option that I wanted to take soo many times in my life, but never did. I always had the guts but something always stopped me. It stops me still. I wish I could.

Oh Society! Please let me go. Please let me be. I want to live. I have existed long enough and I beg to not continue this way. Please don’t force me into the rebellious world. I want to co-exist.

Freedom is what I yearn for, freedom is what I ache for.
‘kaaga sab tan khaiyo mera chun chun khaiyo maas, do naina mat khaiyo mohe piya milan ki aas”

6 thoughts on “Adulthood

  1. I always wonder what keeps us from changing the rules in a way that makes everyone happy ?

    I accept that like some of you I am not at that position so my comment sounds more impractical but still I feel most of us are not really trying or doing it the right way.. I believe there is always of way to make things happen in a way that makes everyone agree… neither your way nor my way but a middle way that suits everyone.

    Regarding that friend , call her… sometimes we lose too many things because of that one step that we are too egoistic to take… I always used to evaluate the things on the basis of whether that action will make me happy at that very moment or not irrespective what happened at past or may happen in future? If yes, then I used to go ahead with it…. and believe me for that moment I had always been if you sense she is at such a major stage of her life then why regret later…. Take care !!

  2. Hmmmm. Perhaps I should. Maybe I will. One of these days. I need to fight my own dogmas. And, patching up with her will definitely make me happy.
    As for a middle way, I wish I could find that. I myself always believed that such thing existed but now I think it was just another mirage I was living in. In some things, the basic things, there is no such mid way possible. Either you have it, or you don't. Anyways, keeping hopes alive. Maybe, some day, I'll find it. 🙂

  3. Are you sure it is just society?

    I don't think that's what I read in this post. The problem is closer than the society. The problem is somewhere else and you know….

    Don't let your dream die a hateful death….Ho sake to hunt down the alternative route. I know, easier said than done…but, if you can see it, you can be it!

    *Trust me, it works.

  4. I'm not sure if I understood what u hinting at. But, if I did, then seriously, it's not that simple. It's easier said than done, truly. And I've given it a shot multiple times. But, some people tend to be stubborn and somehow all the people in my life, who had the authority to change things, were stubborn as mules. I wish they listened to me and things could have been different.

  5. It is a vicious circle-first you do things to please your parents…then your spouse and then your children..our pleasures take a back seat every time…Find escape routes…do what gives you happiness…we need not do the same things earlier now again to feel the same…unlock newer doors that might surprise you with how promising they can be…

    all the best…and useless making any pleas to the society-they/that won't change…you would have to in ways you know best:-)

  6. I know, I feel that a lot too. I know I never lacked in guts department to do something that I wish to do. Society never held much capacity to hold me down. It's the love of my husband, his chastity, his faith in me, that stops me from doing something rebellious. And, my methods are mostly that. He has put up to a lot with me. I want to wait and give him a chance before I stand against him. It's only a matter of how long his love and my commitment to him, stops me from doing what I feel is right. But, as I said ” I don't want to be a part of the rebellious world.” So, I will wait and bide my time. Perhaps, I'll find news n more harmonious ways of getting my way. 🙂

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