I had written about how I have been juggling of deciding whether to talk to him or stop being in touch at all. I have stopped counting how many times I have decided to stop all conversations. But, every time when he thinks of me (that’s how I think it works), I can’t stop myself from calling, or reaching him out. I get some kind of telepathic signal and I feel like talking to him.
Tarun doesn’t like us to be in touch. He doesn’t like me to be emotionally dependent on anyone but him. In these two years, I have tried to understand him, his reason behind it, and whether convinced or not, have followed him. I stopped talking to all my male friends, as in, the same way as I used to be. My contact with them is minimal. I have distanced myself I never thought was possible for me. I am the most asocial person anyone knows now. My office people don’t even know there was a different Swati that existed ever before.
But, it’s better that way. But, in case of Fribro, all rules stop to work.
Last time, I and Tarun talked on this subject, he had asked me to stop all conversations with him. Before this, he was okay with my calling him once in a while, (not every week/day as it used to be). Last time, I had planned to meet him when I was gone to my Mom’s place…without telling Tarun about it. I chickened out of that meeting. I couldn’t do it. But, somehow, Tarun came to know of my now-dead-plans. He got really angry and asked me to stop any communication, whatsoever.
Today, it’s a holiday for my office but I’m still here. The moment I entered office premises, the thought of meeting Fribro came to mind. It was strong, really strong. I knew if I asked him to come, he’ll. All I had to do was just say it. But, I couldn’t do it. When his call came, I told him about my now-dead-again-plans. He told me he was planning the same yesterday, but didn’t do it because he wasn’t sure if I would be in office or not. He had no way of confirming it.
I am glad he didn’t. Just like I didn’t.
This path of truth is so difficult. This path has no way of showing it’ll end in roses at the end. It’s just my belief in two things – 1. I don’t want lies to come in my relationship with my husband. 2. I don’t want my relationship with my brother to get dirty by any lies. It has been so pure ever since I know, that I want it to remain like that. There’s nothing wrong I did by being friends with him. A girl and a boy can be friends even without any platonic angle involved in it. Why should I lie to be with him? I’m not being wrong in talking to him, or meeting him, so why should I lie about it?!
It’s my belief that things will come around. They have to. We just have to wait for it. It’s been two years since I married Tarun. It’s been almost 3 years since I last met my Fribro. Our friendship, our emotions for each other, are still the same. I know, if I need him, he’s just a call away. And, he won’t ask for any reasons for staying out of touch, to forward a hand of help for me.
If any of us feels like there’s nothing to wait for, the calls will stop. The end comes every time I put the phone down. But, it’s never the end. 🙂
God, I will wait. If I’m right, I’ll win at the end. And, I’ll tell Anay about my Fribro one day with pride.