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What’s your problem?

This is a hate post. Frustrated one. Please don’t read.

Whenever I tell Tarun that I want to live separate, he asks me the same question – “What is the problem that you have here?”
It’s been 2 yrs and the question still persists. The problem still persists. I never could pin down my problem. I always told him some on-the-fly issues that I was facing. He would patiently hear me out. Then he would resolve them by giving me some perspective, some alternates and some love. And, I would feel like everything’s fine and am unnecessarily creating fuss. And, within a few days, I would be back to the point where I started – feeling miserable.
This has been a periodic process for me ever since I got married. I never could get him to agree to him, and I never could get myself to accept the circumstances as my fate and get used to it.
I blamed it on my MIL, I blamed it on my Parenting, I sometimes blamed it on Office too. But, I think nothing was ever the real reason.
The real reason is that I want freedom. I want my peace of mind. I need my space. I never get that in this setting. I have the freedom to do anything I want. My MIL never stops me but she can never appreciate it, I know. She may accept it for me but she can never understand it, I know. And, that makes me uncomfortable. She wants company, she wants everything together. And, I want things secluded. I want things personal. I like to keep them that way. I am right there, or I am wrong, why do I need to decide that? Everyone gets to be the way they are, then why can’t I be left to be the way I am?! Why am I expected to change, to adjust, to understand? Why the hell, why??! 
He says that things are so simple and Anay is so taken care of by them. They do so much in helping you. So much of your work is done and taken care of. You’ve no sense of thankfulness. I agree that no maid can take care of Anay the way they can. But, had it not been for them, I would have taken some different steps for taking care of Anay. My child would be mine. Now, he’s not mine at all. Now, the time I spent with him is so sparing and occasional, that I need to think what to do, when and if I ever get it. On the contrary, the case should be that I have some regular plan of doing something new with him. Whether it’s teaching him something new, or it’s engaging him in something unique, or it is just playing with him casually. It never is. I want the freedom to raise my child ‘my way’.
I have got so disappointed with my life that I don’t wish to live it any further. I have got so detached with human relations, so inconsiderate towards them, that I want to forget them all, and run away. And, this all comes to me only when am in office. When I am back at home, I am most docile and happy a lady. At least the picture is so. I am never rash with anyone, and never cross the line.

I wonder the problem is the home or the office.

4 thoughts on “What’s your problem?

  1. The problem is universal my dear.. you are not the first one, or the only one or the last one!
    I had been through all of these, was hell damn frustrated that I could'nt even find a fault in them .. But I could move and make my nest, and so will you.. but these things may not happen overnight, but it will.. You WILL strongly in your mind, and it will.. definitely!!!

    Take care my friend and remember.. Anay wants as much freedom as you.. he wouldnt like to grow up anybody's way, whether his mom's or grandmom's.. let him be himself and happy..

  2. Wow! You're the first one to have given me a reply that brings a true smile…coz u r the only one to have given me a hope to live by. The hope that all is not yet lost. That there will be light somewhere down the lane. Really….Thanks!!
    As for Anay, I hope I remember the frustration I have when am deprived of my freedom, and hence, give him 'his' freedom, when I have the power.

  3. You won't be able to run away or stop yourself from living life…been there, tried that. Make arrangements within the set up to achieve what you want…and make peace with things the way the are…would help you settle in and slowly bring changes…

    all the best swati:-)

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