I’ve often read about letters that people write to their kids, when they come to know that they are about to die in some time, due to some terminal-illness. I don’t have any such illness. At least I know of none as yet…but I want to write letters to you, Anay. The way my life is going, the way things are shaping up, I am no more sure that I would be able to rear you the way I always wanted to.
You would find it odd but ever since I was very small (around 6-7 yrs of age, perhaps), I had opinions or thoughts on how my parents were behaving with me, and how ‘I’ would behave with my child, once I have him/her. 😛 This may sound fine to you coz u r listening to your mother, but for anyone else, it would be a funny thought. Maybe you will laugh too if you read this after growing up! 🙂 Nobody, perhaps, thinks of children till the time they actually have them. I did. I used to. Whether it was good or bad, I don’t know. That’s what I was. That’s what made me what I am today. Whatever that is.
I want to share the real ‘me’ with you. The Mom that you see when you grow up and the mom that has actually given birth to you are very different. Why do I say that? Because circumstances, society, and life changes people a lot. Your beliefs, your understanding of the world, your priorities keep changing. So will I and so will mine. Things I have believed in so far in my life, are becoming meaningless to me now. I know the reason is because I’m more maturer now. I’m growing up, rather growing old. I’m trying to mingle in the world. I’m trying to adjust to the life that everyone else lives, for the sake of my family.
I never did initially.
I lived by my heart. All my life. That’s the life I consider as ‘mine’. I never regretted anything I did my life. I always took them as a learning. If I couldn’t find any learning, I just took it that I will understand it in due course of time, but I will. I used to listen to my heart a lot. This made me very different from other people. This made me ‘me’. But now, I’ve started losing it. I feel that I’m losing that innocence, I’m losing that heart.
But before the world changes me, and before everything is lost, I want to write these letters to you to tell you, what my heart felt. Because ,somewhere within me, I still believe that my heart was right and the world is wrong.
When I know that was right then why am I changing? The ways of heart are individualistic. They only think of oneself. But, life after marriage is mutual. Your wishes, your dreams, your decisions are all mutual. They are taken as best for your family. In doing this, sometimes, one own’s will has to be forsaken. And this is not something forced on anyone, this is a mutual decision taken by the two people who agree to get married. They agree to set forth on a path for their lives, where they will do anything needed to stay afloat and yet, stay together. If for that, it needs anyone of them to let go of some of their personal wishes, they will. And, each one of them does that happily. Because staying with each other is most important in their lives now. That’s the beauty of love and marriage.