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Passion Passion Passion

I have stopped counting since how long I’ve been looking and waiting to find the real reason of my life…the real calling…my real passion, my real drive.
I’ve lost count of how many times I feel that I’m in the wrong profession. Once a day, twice a day…don’t know.
I’ve come a long way from doubting the choice of profession, then making myself believe that this is the one for me, to doubting it again.
Now, I am on the point where I believe this is not for me.

Now, what next?
Every time the thought clouds me, shroud me, I make conscious efforts to find out some trace or proof, that tells me, that could answer me, on what else could be my calling.
Could it be teaching, since I like to guide/counsel and talk and meet new  people? 
Could it be interior designs, since I like fabrics and designs and trends so much? Especially, coz it involves creativity and aesthetics.
Or, could it be entrepreneurship? A new company, or multiple ventures, small but successful.
I remember thinking about archaeology too. I always loved travel, history and the mystery around the times gone by.
Then, there was public speaking…something I found a way towards too. A real person who could lead me, guide me to make a mark, in the field. But, since I don’t feel driven enough towards it, despite the means and the end clearly in front of me, I feel maybe it is not the real calling still. Coz, if it was, I wouldn’t have abandoned it because of hurdles.
Well, it’s not completely true that I abandoned it. I still think on it. But…

I want to get into my next field ready with my knowledge and learning. I don’t want to dabble and fail at it.
I can’t take another failure now. The stakes are so high now, that if I fail, I doubt if I’ll ever be able to muster up the courage to start afresh.
Sigh! Fear is always the first step towards Failure.

I wish I could try each of my options one by one. I could just give them a try and then see what is meant for me and what’s not.
Just like they do in the novels. I never thought the novels were just a piece of fiction. They are as true and as possible as my own life story written in a book.
What differentiates a novel and a real life story is that someone thought it and believed in it to go for it. You didn’t, in your real life.

I want to be the doer than the talker. But, I have started feeling that perhaps, I’m just the talker. And, never the doer.

Will I die a death where I regret having not found my passion? Will my life end like this? Will I never be able to venture out and find out the real answers?
Or, will I learn to believe that this is the truth and there’s no other truth out there? Just like I’ve learned to believe so many other things about the life, the world, the society.
No, I don’t want that. I don’t want to believe in something I don’t have a proof of. And God, if this is the truth, you give me proof of the fact. 
Otherwise, you know better.
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Breed of Men

What’s with the new breed of men?! Or, is it that they have always been like that and that’s why called ‘Men are from Mars’!
Well, I sincerely feel appalled by their attitude and fail to understand the perspective.
Recently, some incidents have happened which brought to the fore, the man’s no-interest in moving from hometown, or leaving parents, or going for the unknown.
I don’t know what to make of it. Is it their inability to take risks? Is it their fear of losing out on the most important thing in their life – the family (read ‘parents’), or is it pure laziness.
My husband and my brother, both are classic examples I’ve seen. And, after discussing with fellow women, I came to know that it’s the same story everywhere.
You may counter that this brings about a balance between the man and the woman’s relation. But, I beg to differ.
Peace, stability, contentedness are all important but when made a priority over other things, they hamper growth, and make you incapable of grabbing opportunities that could be coming your way.
Tarun says he understands that he’s the content one and am the ambitious one, so that’s good for our relationship. But, I don’t seem to be satisfied with just that answer and knowledge.
I need more action in life than that.
I know parents are important. I know they need to be taken care of. But, if you start twisting your actions and your decisions to make room for them, and when your own personal endeavors start getting affected from that, then I think you need to take the call. You need to understand that moving on is important. What’s with the emotions and the putra-dharma they bring into the debate.
I hate it coz there’s no counter argument to that.
I used to ask Tarun to look for opportunities or try for option outside NCR too. In our industry, the options in NCR are very limited and in early times, you can make good use of the shift. Later on, the same switch may not be as much useful but more burden.
In our first half-year of marriage, it was my fault – it was too early for me to convince him and too early for us to think of switching locations.
In our second half-year of marriage, his reason : I was pregnant and needed all the family support so we should not be talking of location  change.
In our second year, first half- of marriage, his reason: Anay is too small and you cannot even think of working without them, how can you talk of location change!?
Now, when I talk of it, with Anay crossed 1 year, we settled in our marriage, in our jobs…his reason: It’s only now things have settled, I cannot uproot them and the family. Once Anay grows up to 4-5 years, we can think of it. But, not now.
@#%#$&$#!$%#@$^@$&@. Well! I think these are all lame excuses. The basic one is that he won’t move. After 4-5 years, when Anay starts going to school, when parents become more older, who in their right mind thinks, a switch is possible!????
And, my brother, he’s epitome of this syndrome. He left his high paying job and moved to lesser paying  job because the earlier one used to send him to different places for 20 days or so, without any prior notice. At the age of 23, he talks of stability and peace as most important than growth and challenges. :O (I wish I could use some symbol to show my eyes popping out of the sockets!)
And, if you thought this is my specific case, trust me, you’ll be having a similar story to tell once it comes to you.
Lazy Ass Holes!
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A thought triggered by Richard Bach

I am reading ‘Illusions’ by Richard Bach. A sudden thought struck me while reading it, yesterday.

We all have heard that the Hindu Mythology says that a person goes through ‘chaurasi lakh yoniyan’ (84 lacs species/births as non-humans) before he gets a human body again.
We mostly believe that the number refers to our lives as animals, or other species on this earth. But, I had a different possibility that struck me.
Is it possible that it refers to not different species on this earth but our births in 84 lacs different cosmos. That is, we are born in Milky Way once, then we die and travel to a different realm, or whatever that’s called, cosmic region.
So, in a way, Hindu Mythology is telling us that there are 84 lac more realms apart from Earth, where life exists, travelling in space, without our knowledge. Maybe, just maybe, some day we get to know them. Just like we came to know about elements, then atom, then proton/neutron/electron and now we know that even an atom consists of many more than just those three.

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Touched, Amused, Surprised and Shocked!

It’s been quite some time since I posted. A lot has been happening but I just didn’t feel like writing. Pinterest and DIY has caught my fancy these days 🙂
Anay is 1 year old now. His birthday went fine. Not as great as I expected but fine. Perhaps, too much scheming spoils the fun.
Anyways, ever since Anay’s birthday has crossed, and ever since he’s started walking, he’s become one heck of a child to parent. God! He’s totally un-put-down-able. He is always on the move.
He doesn’t mind going in dark, empty rooms. He wants to touch and feel every thing in the house. He knows if he points to an object, people understand he wants that, and give in to his demands. He walks, he falls, he gets up, walks again.
Too much activity. I ask him often “Anay, what were you doing for the past one year? And, what has got into you now!?” 😀
But, it’s fun. It’s fun to watch him. It’s heart-warming to see him all around and full of things.

There are lot of petty small things he’s been doing.
1. When I return home from office, I have a habit of touching parents’ feet. I do that everyday. I never thought Anay noticed. But, as children notice everything, he did too. He saw me come in the house, he kept playing. He saw me touch mom’s and amma’s feet. He walks towards me, leaving his play, and gets down to my feet and touched them with both his hands. And, then he looks up, smiling. Ohh God! The feeling, the moment, is totally inexplicable. Totally Totally Godly. 🙂
2. Anay has taken to keys. He’s so obsessed with them that he wants one whenever he sees one. He loves the crankling sound they make. He knows where the key hanger is. He would come to you, get into your arms, and point to the key hanger. He’ll keep making ‘ummmm’-‘ummmm’ till you give him one. The ‘ummm’s keep increasing in intensity from want to demand to anger. Phew!! So much for a one year old. He won’t let you do whatever you’re doing till you fulfill his demand. It’s never a request. Damn, how do people discipline kids. For now, I find it totally impossible to deter him from something. If he wants something, he wants it, and you cannot deviate him.
3. He’s realized that spoon and bowl make sound together. Now, he comes into the kitchen and asks for one to play with. I mean, you would think that how can a 1-yr old who cannot speak, ask for something so specific. Wait till you have one. You’ll understand that they can pretty well do that. Amazing communication skills they have.
4. He’s learnt to say ‘No’. Not exactly speak out ‘No’ but to shake his head and do a ‘no’. Initially, I thought he enjoys my hair waving, coz he started doing it when I got a hair cut. But, now I realize that he sees me doing a ‘no’ with my head shaking, so much, that he’s learnt that early. 😀 Now, when I try to teach him to say yes by nodding his head, he refuses to learn that. Another tool in his arsenal to tell that he doesn’t want to eat something. I’m having a tough time feeding him. 😐
5. Now, since he enjoys playing with keys and keep playing with them for hours, he plays with them and leaves them anywhere in the house. Now, then it gets difficult to find them. So, FIL tries to take it from them. He politely asks Anay to give them to him. He puts his hand forward hoping that Anay will keep the keys into his hand. Now, this smart ass, what he does is, puts the keys into GrandPa’s hand and quickly snatches it away. 🙂 He’s given and he’s not given. How do kids get so smart!?? I would expect a kid to not give the key and run away with it. Or, ignore the request. But, putting into his hand, holding the fingers tightly so that GrandPa cannot close the fist, and snatching away the key…this is totally unfathomable for me. :-O

Swati Garg – Better fasten your seat belts. You have one heck of a ride ahead.

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I admit, I miss

Lots of people wish to go abroad, for more money, I guess. I never dreamt of that, atleast not till I went there. And now, I have joined the thousands other in the wish-ious circle.
But, it’s not the money.

I miss the clean sunshine in the morning.
I miss my lonely walk from home to bus stop, watching people going for their run, old people taking the dog for a walk, the ducks in the lake under the small bridge which I crossed every morning.
The occasional rush to not to miss the bus.
I had a bus stop much closer to my house. But, I never took that. Reason? I would have to wake up 10 minutes early for that and take the bus 20 minutes early. Plus, I would miss the walk.

I miss the casual ‘hello’ the elderly couple /strangers gave me there. I miss the warmth and helping feeling strangers gave to fellow people. No one grows suspicious if someone comes over to talk.
I can never imagine being happy about it here. Rather, I would be suspicious if someone hello’ed me here.

I miss the Starbucks cold coffee that we used to get at Lucky stores. I remember having gone at 8.00 at night, for that, when I messed up my SP Jain interview. It was all dark. All stranded roads and alleys. Of course, the place was not very up-market to be at that time of the day. I don’t think even Downtown used to be a suitable place to be at that time of the day, in US. But,  I would remember the walk. Always. It was a milestone in my life. A major one.

I miss the Home Store. I remember wishing to have a home which I could decorate with all the pretty, silly things you could get for the patio. You could buy small flower pots, which would stay for a few days, and then die out. I kept a small one for some time. I am no gardener. I don’t think that’s a direction I would ever take, but I wouldn’t mind having an indoor plant, no maintenance, sometime.

Plus, the DIY option. Yesterday, I told Tarun I wanted to paint the shelf we had got made for our room. It’s not yet polished. He protested saying it gives out a very fowl smell as it uses spirit in varnish. So, I should not be doing that. I insisted. He said ‘Ok, you search on what all you need and you do it.’ He knows he’ll never let me do that, but wants to get rid of the current situation of argument. 🙂 He really knows how to tackle me. But, I sincerely loved the DIY option in West. There was a ‘The Home Store’ and one more…totally forgotten the name. It had all the locks n handles n stuff. If you lose a key, or need to change a lock, you got to do it all yourself. You cannot afford a keywala. You had to pick a key, put it in a machine, put another one which you want as a copy, and get the copy of the original made. So, pretty much everything you do in your home, you have to do it yourself. Now, how fascinating to be handling those heavy machines. Of course, you would be just pushing a button, but still. I think it would be great to feel in-control of those giant metals-pieces.

Now, it seems pretty fairy-tale to be building your own home and you may feel, that you would get tired of it. It’s much better when you can chose n pick what to do yourself and get things done by someone else otherwise.
But, don’t you think how beautiful your home would be if you did it all yourself?
There would be a bit of you in every part of your home. The paint, the fences, the decor, the wallpaper. And, you are not just an IT engineer who loses everything if the silly box called computer loses its importance. You would be worth much more. You would know how to ‘do’ something. Actually do something.

I miss the control on my life. I miss USA.

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Interviews and Confidence

I’m quite in high spirits these days. And, it all can be contributed to a couple of calls I took last Friday.

I had a call with my US Manager. Ever since I joined my current company, I used to have one-to-one calls with her occasionally but I was never comfortable with her. Reasons?
1. I never met her and she was supposed to be my manager. I think I feel more comfortable talking to someone once I’ve seen a person’s eyes.
2. We never got time to talk beyond professional work. I think I need some personal touch to the work relation, even if it’s from a distance. I don’t need to be knowing your children’s friends name, but I definitely need some sort of personalization, when I start working with you.

On Friday, we had a long call and I spoke of things quite open-heartedly. It was the first time I spoke candidly and openly with her. Feeling relieved, content and happy. Not to mention, she appreciated my work and felt I put in a lot of passion to my work. I was so happy on hearing this word from her. I don’t know why but it really is the first thing that comes to my mind, when I think of our conversation, and the reason why I could be so happy. Despite the fact that she turned down my request for promotion, that I seriously needed in my career plans. But, she’s a good manager and brought a lot of things to perspective. There were no false lies, no false promises, no round-round talks, beating around the bush. I really like that in professionals working in US. They will be open about the facts. All in all, happy and excited about my work.

Second thing that happened on Friday was an interview. I have been taking couple of interviews outside my company, just for the sake of analysing my performance, and my position in the industry. Tarun suggested me to this direction. 2 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine myself doing such a thing. Interview, that too, for practice. Totally, so not me! 🙂
But, I’ve given interviews for 3 companies, like this now. Multiple technical rounds. Right till HR. And, the least I can say about this experience is – enriching. I have not passed in all of them. I failed in one. That one was really a good experience. I passed through in two. I’m waiting for the offer letter, pretty much. But, I know I’m not going there.

I am happy to see myself content with my work here. I am happy to see that I’m in no hurry to switch just for the sake of money or better position. Of course, I’ll be getting both. I am happy to see that there’s an expert in me in Technical Domain in Electronics. This means a lot. And, I owe this feeling totally to my better half. No kidding. No formalities. Truth to the core.

Happy Happy!

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I’ve always said that I never regret. I always believe that whatever I did, whatever happened to me in my life, I take it as a learning. If anything bad happened, I try and take it as an experience and learn from my mistakes. But, today, I’m feeling regretful. For so many things in my life. Perhaps, it’s the sign of my aging. Of my becoming an adult, of having lost my childhood and innocence.

I’ve often mentioned that I feel like my passion and my destiny doesn’t lie in being an engineer. I keep looking for something else that I could be doing better…where I would excel and be considered the norm, considered the best. I don’t know if that feeling is real or if it’s a notion that I’ve so long believed that it seems real. I’ll have to thank god for knocking that sense into me, when I was in US, which turned me to see the light and made me understand what my job means. It helped me understand my work better. It gave me the courage to change from my job at my previous company to my new one. Here, I have realized my worth and found that I’m not a dumb blonde who understands nothing and speaks a lot. I’m an expert in my field and I understand when a fellow person speaks to me technically. I’ll have to accept that it has given me a lot of self-respect that I so needed. 

But, whenever I think of the alternate course, that I wish I could take, my search never ends. I keep thinking of what else could I do to make me more successful. Empty ambitions, they are, as I call it. But, that’s not the point of the post. The point is that I’ve recently realized, I never followed my gut feelings. I was a coward. And, I still am. 

When I was in Class 10th, I always used to tell people that I would take commerce, as I never liked Science. Being a sincere student, I did manage to do fine in it and get good marks, but I never enjoyed it. But, after 10th, my dad showed me some paper cut-outs of students who had done well in Engineering, got into IITs. How they are doing so well. Just 2 years of hard work and the complete life is set. It just took him a few seatings to convince me to take Science. And, here I am, an Engineer. I regret not having followed my heart then.

After 12th, when I gave my engineering exams, I did fine. I had a seat in an engineering college and an admission into B.El.Ed course (it’s a teaching course for elementary schools). My parents did a lot of debating on whether I should join B.Tech or B.El.Ed. I remember my Mom telling me ‘I would like you to do something with a creative bend in it. I know you’ll do good there and be more happy.’ And, I remember how I just remembered the hard work I had put into the 2 years of preparation and scoffer her off. And, taken the admission. Now, I regret not taking the B.El.Ed course. I miss having that creative, artistic bend in my life. I maybe earning big bucks, but the contentment is not there. I’m always running away from my reality, as they say.

I don’t know if there’s any way I can mend those things. But, I know that having failed my heart then, I don;t have the courage to follow my heart now. Even now, when my heart tells me differently, I let the things be, and do nothing. I’ve understood, or perhaps, given up, on the fact, that I’m just a thinker and never a doer. 

I wish it was otherwise.