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I’ve always said that I never regret. I always believe that whatever I did, whatever happened to me in my life, I take it as a learning. If anything bad happened, I try and take it as an experience and learn from my mistakes. But, today, I’m feeling regretful. For so many things in my life. Perhaps, it’s the sign of my aging. Of my becoming an adult, of having lost my childhood and innocence.

I’ve often mentioned that I feel like my passion and my destiny doesn’t lie in being an engineer. I keep looking for something else that I could be doing better…where I would excel and be considered the norm, considered the best. I don’t know if that feeling is real or if it’s a notion that I’ve so long believed that it seems real. I’ll have to thank god for knocking that sense into me, when I was in US, which turned me to see the light and made me understand what my job means. It helped me understand my work better. It gave me the courage to change from my job at my previous company to my new one. Here, I have realized my worth and found that I’m not a dumb blonde who understands nothing and speaks a lot. I’m an expert in my field and I understand when a fellow person speaks to me technically. I’ll have to accept that it has given me a lot of self-respect that I so needed. 

But, whenever I think of the alternate course, that I wish I could take, my search never ends. I keep thinking of what else could I do to make me more successful. Empty ambitions, they are, as I call it. But, that’s not the point of the post. The point is that I’ve recently realized, I never followed my gut feelings. I was a coward. And, I still am. 

When I was in Class 10th, I always used to tell people that I would take commerce, as I never liked Science. Being a sincere student, I did manage to do fine in it and get good marks, but I never enjoyed it. But, after 10th, my dad showed me some paper cut-outs of students who had done well in Engineering, got into IITs. How they are doing so well. Just 2 years of hard work and the complete life is set. It just took him a few seatings to convince me to take Science. And, here I am, an Engineer. I regret not having followed my heart then.

After 12th, when I gave my engineering exams, I did fine. I had a seat in an engineering college and an admission into B.El.Ed course (it’s a teaching course for elementary schools). My parents did a lot of debating on whether I should join B.Tech or B.El.Ed. I remember my Mom telling me ‘I would like you to do something with a creative bend in it. I know you’ll do good there and be more happy.’ And, I remember how I just remembered the hard work I had put into the 2 years of preparation and scoffer her off. And, taken the admission. Now, I regret not taking the B.El.Ed course. I miss having that creative, artistic bend in my life. I maybe earning big bucks, but the contentment is not there. I’m always running away from my reality, as they say.

I don’t know if there’s any way I can mend those things. But, I know that having failed my heart then, I don;t have the courage to follow my heart now. Even now, when my heart tells me differently, I let the things be, and do nothing. I’ve understood, or perhaps, given up, on the fact, that I’m just a thinker and never a doer. 

I wish it was otherwise.

3 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. i think we think too much 😛 Simple explanation being, this is India and here parents decide what u ought to do. That's the way it is. Sadly ! But yeah, ur regrets are well justified but don't they make living life harder a little bit ? When u think about those regrets, those cant be happy moments.

  2. Of course they are not happy moments, that's y they are regrets. Else, they wud have been learnings. 🙂 And, definitely it makes accepting life much more difficult when you feel things are wrong and you don't have the power to fix them. You are forced to accept them as such. That's y I hate such situations/decisions the most.

  3. some people start living in a state of denial to stay happy and to keep their mind away from such regrets. I want to learn that too but early stages yet 😛

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