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Rebel, O Jesus, Let me!

Something’s welling up in me….something like rebellion. My strong selfishness, my individuality, my go-do-it streak is rising up again in me. Things are taking shape. And, it all needs patience. I need to wait and let time do its task. But, it’s very difficult to wait. I want to blow everything up and do the thing I wish to do.

I have always listened to my heart…pretty much always. Even when I decided to stop listening to it, I guess it was my heart telling my mind to stop thinking that it was listening to the heart 😛 🙂

Now, when I think I’m following my heart, it’s still badgering me to go the opposite direction and shatter everything I’ve built. Or rather, shatter everything that’s been built by destiny, so far, for me.

What is it between me and destiny? Why am I always at loggerheads with it? Is it the same way with everybody? Or, am I the only freak in this arena?

I want to just go get the opportunity of going to USA. I want to make a life there and settle there. Raise Anay there. I know life is not easy for kids there. But, I think with the right upbringing, they can be raised good too. It’s just a better way of life than it is here. You can be fair at work and happy at home. Times are tough. There are challenges too. But, things work out fine. And, you can live a life of anonymity at peace, unlike here.

I want a home of my own. I want to go home today in the evening and tell my MIL everything. Tell her that I want a home of my own…..I can already see the tears flooding the banks and breaking all dams. Phew! I can also foresee the savior running to her rescue and making me understand how I am the pillar of the house, and it’s my responsibility and decisions that will make or break it. Well, the fact that I would be telling them… that I want a space for myself, which I can shape and nurture on my own, and that the decision has nothing to do with them…..that will just go unheard. They will totally believe that that is just a facade to hide up the true reason that I want to separate from them. In the end, I’ll be the vamp and the family would stand united, on the opposite side. 

There will be all sorts of reminders, gentle and harsh, on how I’ve been so taken care of. How things are so taken care of and I’m only looking at the negatives. I would protest saying there’s no negative that I’m looking at. I just need my space to breathe. A woman needs a house she can run and rule. Home is one place which is supposed to be totally her kingdom and which she gets to run and keep. I want that kingdom of mine and do not want to take orders from anyone else here. But, I doubt that they would understand the need or the point.

It’s a big downside that this is one subject, apart from the other of making base at US, where my savior abandons me too. The only person who stands by you or to whom you can look up for support, in a joint family, if he abandons you too, then there are meager chances of you winning the battle. You can cry, you can stomp your feet as much as you like, but once the family gets united, there’s no chance for your victory. After all, ‘united we stand, divided we fall’ has been a golden adage since ages.

Sigh! ……………………………………………………………… Sigh!
There I am, picking the shards of my dreams, of my heart, piece by piece.
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2 thoughts on “Rebel, O Jesus, Let me!

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