Change

Change is the way of life. People change too.

The Gita says the body changes too. you had a different body when you were a kid, you have a different one now since you’re an adult.

A friend once told me that when you try to change someone, something else will change too. So, make changes cautiously. 

I’ve always remembered it and tried not to make any changes to my partner.

But, one brings a lot of changes, no matter they wish it or not. Yesterday, Tarun was mentioning that how is preference for movies has changed. He also doesn’t feel like going for the violent movies that mostly guys love (Gangs of Wasseypur II was in question, which I had refused to go to). He said whether one likes it or not, it happens. 

I thought silently, was I pushing my opinion on him all this time? No. I always try to hear what he wants to do. If he even as much as says it, I try to accompany him to what he wants to do. But, he never says much.

Is that a problem? Well, no. I think that’s the way he is. Is there a problem with me? Am I too imposing? No. That’s the way I’ve always been. Am I doing something deliberate to change him? No. I’m changing him just by existing with him.

I really loved and liked the person I married. I still love the person I married. 

But, will I be able to love the person I’m changing him into? I am not sure. I’m scared on that. 

There are changes which I’m seeing in him which I’m not liking. They are not changes I wished but they are perhaps caused by me.  Can I do something to revert those changes? Can I do something to not cause any further changes? Well….

I know of one thing which could be my problem and reason for his changes. I could work on it and try to fix it.

But, haven’t I always known the problem and consciously tried to avoid it? Yes, I have. But, that is the way I am. And, if I change myself, then isn’t it again the defeat of all purpose?

I think change is inevitable. You cannot fight it. You can just hope its a positive one. And, if its not, then hope you’re able to deal with it.

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Marriage and expectations

The mother of all grievances is expectations.

When you’re mature enough to understand this, you try to keep your expectations low. You try to avoid keeping expectations from strangers. But, you cannot help expecting certain help, certain warmth from your family members.

So, when you are old enough and still grieving, it’s mostly because your family didn’t match up to your expectations. Is it wrong to have expectations from your family? I think, no.

What do you do when they fail to do what you expected?

If you’re a man, or an unmarried lady, you would say, shout at them, howl at  them, or maybe cry it out, and get over it. 

But, if you’re a married woman, what do you do? If the family in question is your in-laws, of course, you don’t shout or howl. You don’t think you matter enough to them as much as their son or daughters. You don’t think they understand you. You know for a fact that anything you say to them will go down as ego-hurt. So, you take the best and the only route available. You just sit in a corner and let the moment/feeling pass away.

If the family is your own parents, you don’t say anything because you feel distanced. You feel disappointed. If they don’t understand you then who would? If they don’t know you and your expectations after being your blood-parents, how can you expect anyone else to understand you. You feel like they no more care for you and all that is left of the relation is the formalities. They don’t tell you if they don’t like anything of you, and you don’t tell them if something they said or did, pinched you. You don’t want to hurt them, especially from that distance. You just grieve in solace. 

(PS: If it’s your spouse, then I think each one choses her own way of sorting the matter :P)

You would think you can share your problems with your husband. You can at least go to him and grieve your heart out. But, you know what, the irony is that even telling him is no more an option. You cannot go to him and tell him that you have problems with his mother, or his sisters! He may listen to you but would he understand? For how long can he continue to listen wrong things about his own siblings? 

Is it fair on him to force him to this torture? 

Is it fair on the world to put the woman to this torture?

When you’re young, unmarried, you just want companionship. Someone with whom you can share your dreams, your future, your life. You know there will be problems but you never knew the problems are not going to be external, they are going to be internal. 

The woman is removed from her family, put in another family, expected to accept it, expected to change for it, expected to forget everything she learned to believe in, or live for. She’s left lonely. Instead of giving her the support she thought she would get, you deprive her of all the support she ever knew, for her. 

It is so lonely.

I’ve been married for 2 years and I’ve still not been able to appreciate the concept society penned. I don’t understand why it is the way it is. I don’t know why the society makes it so unbearable to live happily with a person you actually want to live with. If it was not for the society, the world would be a much better place to live in.

Cooking

CAUTION: 

I feel like blogging the whole day today.

I don’t know if I will but bear it as long as you can.

Post1: Cooking

In my 2 yrs experience in the kitchen, I’ve realized one thing. If you want to make anything yummy, anything at all, just fry the ingredients/vegetables in ghee before you go on with your regular recipe. The thing will turn out awesome. 

And, if you want to add more to it, just add some nuts (kajoo esp) to the gravy.

I’ve tried and tested it on paneer lababdar, pindi chana(chhole), veg biryani, fried idli…etc etc

Don’t tell me its so unhealthy. I already know it and that’s why am not happy with this solution. I wish there was an alternative to this greasy option. I like tasty food and I don’t think one needs to abstain from yummy things to live longer and healthier. I want to eat everything, okay with moderation.

Updates

Well, it’s been long since I posted about what’s up with Anay. There isn’t much yet he’s never still. Even in his sleep, he keeps on checking once in a while, if there’s someone sleeping around him or not. He should not be alone in the room. As he sees some human presence, he peacefully goes back to sleep.

He’s a slow one. Of course, I know that. He’s yet to get all his teeth. As of today, he has 5 teeth on the top and 2 at the bottom. O Lord, give him the rest soon. He looks good with the bunny toothy smile. Ummya! 🙂

He has a big head. Even at the time he was born, the doctor said that his head is amongst the bigger ones but nothing abnormal there. I wonder if any mother finds her child imperfect. I love him anyways.

He doesn’t speak a lot, at least, nothing legible. He can say ‘Mamma’, ‘Papa’ ‘Baba’ but he won’t use it to call out people. He just blabbers it just like any other word. Now, of late, he has started calling me and Tarun. But, But, But….. 😛 He calls me ‘Papa’ and him ‘Mamma’ 😀

We’re tired of telling him the right ones but he doesn’t budge. Perhaps, since I used to ask him to say Papa, whenever he said ‘Mamma’. So, I think he must have got muddled then 😛

It’s funny, it’s cute, it’s heart-warming. He’s always busy doing something. Yet, I cannot say what he does all day. He picks up stuff and tries to steal eyes and throw it out of the balcony. As soon as someone tries to catch him, he runs! At least that’s what ‘he’ thinks he’s doing. He still cannot walk properly so when he’s trying to run, he’s just picking up his feet a bit more higher and walking a little faster than his normal. But, the chances of his falling are higher. 😀

He does something which seems like he’s dancing but it’s a dance I cannot yet categorize in a known dance form. 🙂 Let’s just say, it’s Anay Dance.

He likes Temptations Chocolate, the only chocolate I like. He also doesn’t like Dairy Milk. So, I’m content that he takes something from me. 😛 He likes to sleep late on weekends, just like me. 😛

And, he’s become too much a mule. Stubborn like hell. If he wants something, his ‘un-un-un’ will not stop till you give him that. If you snatch it and keep it away, he’ll start wailing till you distract him with something better. And, he doesn’t get distracted easily. He would not forget the thing he was asking for till you give something totally new and better. Else, he’s persistent with his pursuit. He’s cunning to get back to it once he’s bored with the second thing.

Also, he’s learned how to fool people. He’ll bring a bite to your mouth as if to feed you, and as soon as you open your mouth, he would take it away, saying ‘achaa!’ 😀

Idiot! Silly! Bandar!

But,as they say, tedha hai par mera hai! I love him. Totally. 🙂

Decisions / Career choices

As you grow up to become an adult, there will be times when you reflect on your life. On such occasions, you would be able to pin-point on specific times in your life which changed your life considerably. Though everything that happens in our lives, has some significance and some effect on the future of our lives, but we fail to notice it, at that moment.

For example, even a simple act of eating our regular food, there could be a chance that we’re eating a rotten eggplant that had a small part of it going bad, and the cook failed to notice it. It chance-happened to fall in your portion of the plate and you ended up having food-poisoning. 

Or, even the regular tea you take in your office is the cause of your acidity and it is not noticeable right now, but will show up in a time-span of 5 yrs.

Well, the post is not about the small nothings and how stupid things affect ur stomach. The post is about the decisions I took in my life which changed or defined my career. Some of the people may like to call it ‘mistakes’ of my life. But, whatever they were, they define my career and Me.

1. US trip 2009: Well, it was everything a turning point could have. Sudden, dramatic, all-previous-plans-busted or halted, complete life changed and in a matter of a week. The life was going boring and routine. I was preparing for MBA entrance. My preparation was going solid. My CAT had already happened. My office project was about to end. I reached office having the expectation of some free time for a few days, no work and hopefully some new novels to read. But, as turning points are, my manager informed me through a mail, that I’ve a client-interview slated for that evening. That-very-evening. He didn’t even feel the need to at least call me and give me a head start. Well, as luck would have it. I decided to just give it my best and forget it. I knew it was for a client sitting in US and I’ll have to go there if I cleared it but I didn’t dwell on that part much. My track record of interviews was so bad that I had no reasons to believe or think otherwise. 😛 So, I had my interview at 9.30 PM (or, was it 10.30 PM?) Well, it was short. He asked me a few questions, answered more himself than me, and ended the interview in half-an-hour. I never thought it would be much. I had my XAT the coming weekend so I better concentrate on that. I did.

While returning from my examination hall with my Dad, when I switched my phone back on, I had received a msg from my colleague that I had got through my interview and was supposed to fly to US within a week’s time. Bamm! 

Life taken a 360 degree turn and a fast-forward. 

I never knew or thought the trip would change so much of me, so much for me, so much within me. 

It did. The experience was not a pleasant one. But, it is a cherished one. And life is much better and different from what it was.

Moral: Fate is more powerful than you. And, sometimes it’s wiser than you too.

2. Bangalore visit, 2010: A cousin brother working at a good post. Offers me a good position at one of the leading giants in Computers. The position is of Program Manager. I would have to give a dummy interview to a manager in Bangalore. I was already slated to travel to Bangalore for a week with Tarun anyways. Wow! 

I am worn out of my job at HCL. I have been dying to move out of it and get into another company. If I don’t, I would perhaps just quit my career and sit at home than waste my time and energy working here. I am looking forward to the opportunity given to me by my big-brother. 

But, as I reach there, as I get to understand the opportunity more, I realize its something that people talk of, getting job through connections, just because you know someone powerful, you’re there. Despite being desperate for a job change, despite the role being my dream role, I turned it down. 

I don’t think I could have survived the knowledge that I’m having the job because a brother of mine is sitting there above. I’m working because the world is dirty and unfair. I’m earning my livelihood, my salary, because of someone’s favors. 

After 2 months of declining the offer, I received my offer letter from Cadence. The position was earned. The salary was mine and received because of my work, not because of a connection. 

Moral : There maybe easier paths in life which may give you better and faster results but they ask for something lot more in return, and that’s your conscience.

3. Bangalore again, 2012: The decision is taken. But, I’m not able to stick to it. As yet. Every time, every weekend, I revisit and something irks me to revisit it. Sometimes its a remark from some friend. Sometimes its Anay falling sick and me thinking on how I’m going to take care of him alone. Other times, its my insides talking to me and asking me on the real reasons for my decision.

Well, its a long story. But, the important part is, this is a time when am leaving a secure space, a settled position, a job, for unknown. For challenges.

It turns out to be a mistake or first step towards growth, is yet to be known. Time’s running fast. I’ll know the results soon.

The Moral is to be learnt yet.

But, am sure it’s going to go down as an important turning point in my career/life.

Prayers for Bobby

I saw this movie last night. On Youtube. And, I can only say that every individual on this earth should watch this movie. Must watch this movie.

It’s a movie about Gay people and how they need to be accepted and not ridiculed. It’s a very moving movie which tells you the simple fact – Life is more important than the rules and the preachings of the society/man/bible. 

Love your loved ones. For what they are. For you may lose them tomorrow for silly prejudices and you will have no one else but yourself to blame. Save them before it’s too late.

http://www.prayersforbobby.com/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1073510/

Or, you can search it and watch it on YouTube.

Turbulence

The times are tumultuous. I’m having opposing thoughts every half-an-hour. One minute my thoughts are tilting towards going to Bangalore and the next hour, I’m totally against it and checking my sanity. I’m continuously explaining myself the goods of the decision. And, I’m continuously warring with my thoughts which are saying it’s a good idea. 

I don’t know if I’m making any sense any more. Forget to you, even to myself.

I told Tarun let’s go for a short break. Let’s go somewhere. But, God is just not ready to give me a respite, yet. This weekend I really needed to go somewhere. I was ready to go anywhere, even if it meant just going to next door for a break. But, as luck would have it, I couldn’t get it. I did go to my childhood friend’s place. She recently delivered a baby and I was over-due to meet her. So, it was a respite. But, it was a short one. Happened and ended.

The weekend is over and am back in the grill. The work is not moving an inch. My mind is not letting my concentrate on my work and move forward even a bit. I’m busy fixing my mind the whole day in office. And, busy cursing myself of losing another of work, when am back at home. I think many people would call this Procrastination but I think this is a very tiring way of killing time. If anyone needs tips, please consult me in better times. I can write a book on 100 ways of killing time without taking any tension.

Any person I talk to, ‘any-body-at-all’, about my career decision, ridicules me. Now, this could be one of the two cases –

1. If everyone you meet in your lane is coming in the wrong direction, perhaps you are in the wrong lane. / 

the hindi adage ‘vinaash kaale viparit budhhi’.

2. When you do something unusual, people ridicule you and say it cannot be done. When you achieve, they say, why wasn’t it done before. 

Hope you get the dilemma. O Lord, am I losing it!?

Just let it be only me losing it. Hope I don’t drive Tarun insane too in the process.