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Turbulence

Short update. Feel like posting something at least when my mind is over-full. Anyways, well, after a long time I’ll be posting something about life ‘before’ something is really happening. I stopped doing it ever since I got married. But, this space is ‘my’ space. Want to keep it mine. So, posting the thought-process.

Job is not going well in Bangalore. The risk we took in shifting seems to be hitting back and things may totally fall apart. We may just have to return to NCR. I don’t want to, of course! Well, I don’t want to lose my freedom, which I’ve earned so hard. But, if things don’t work out, then we may.

Tarun’s work doesn’t seem to be settling here. I’m already looking for a switch asap. I’m not that concerned about my job as I’m for his. I’m trying other options and hopefully things will work out for me. Well, advantage of being in the Silicon Valley (of India, fine!). But, things need to work for both.
I can pay a price for my freedom but the cost can’t be family.

Let’s see what happens. Keeping fingers crossed.

And, ya, returned from a long trip of South India today evening. Full of things about it but some other time. 🙂

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Pain

I’m feeling drunk…drunk with pain. Have you ever felt it?

The heart is sinking. I try to distract it but after a moment, it returns to the motion of sinking down. Is it the same for you too – the pain?

I feel like sinking down from my chair to the floor. I don’t know why but whenever I’m sad or feel like crying, I feel like crouching on the floor, or lying flat on the floor. I feel like being close to the nature, the mother earth. Maybe it’s the ‘mother’ part of the earth that invites me. Invites me to soothe me. Does it ever happen to you?

It’s hurting a lot right now, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. I know things will go back to fine. But, it doesn’t reduce the pain right now. It’s weird how my heart aches and yet it has the knowledge that it’s temporary. Is it a part of being grown up and mature? Is it because I’ve so much faith in the fact that it’s going to be over soon? 

This pain is so different from the pain I feel when I lose an object. So different from the pain when I have a disturbance with my MIL. So different from when I have a argument with Tarun. Does heart have different areas and different flavours of pain? Have you ever felt it?

Am I becoming a sadist to be analysing pain? In a way, am enjoying the fact that it’s paining so much because I’m secretly being happy that I’m going to get something amazing once this ends. Coz, pain is never a waste. It always brings happiness or surprise or a great amount of learning with it. 

The Pandit said it’s going to be a bad phase till 27th. It’s still 17 days to go till then. It’s scary a bit to think of what more I’m gonna see in the next coming days. What else am gonna lose. What embarrassment or low-points will my life see? The recognition and self-worth I’ve felt, for the first time in my long life, in my profession, will I lose that feeling by the end of it? Screw the Pandits. Seriously, sometimes it just feels like I could just sit in a corner of the room and pass these 17 days away silently. Do nothing, try nothing. What a waste of time. What a waste of valuable time of your life!!

I hope I never visit any Pandit again and remember not to. I know it’s all as per destiny that the life is going to go. No matter how hard you try, or what you do, things will work as they are destined to. But! But, it takes away the whole fun of living a life. What’s the point of living a life if there’s no surprise element in tomorrow? What’s the point in knowing that I would die tomorrow, today? If I hadn’t known, I would have lived today like I would live to a 100! So, moral of the story, ‘Live your life as if it’s going to go on forever. Try new things. Even if you fail, you would know a new way it could go wrong’.

Thinking of that, I screwed up 1 ltr of milk over the weekend trying to make khoya at home. My Mom told me to let the milk heat on till it reduces to solid-paste state. I let that happen. But, I forgot that I had to ‘stir’. End result? What else, asshole! The khoya got stuck as a black mass at the bottom and I had a khoya looking beautiful from the top but full of foul smell of burn inside it.
Now, I’m going to try it again this week. And. I’m going to succeed.

You may wanna know what happened to cause the pain. Remember my telling in the last post that I was supposed to go to the dream company from my current company as a client project. Well, after confirming me on Friday, they decided to rethink on it, on Saturday. So, am left lurching and biting my nails again. I had only started to feel relaxed and a little, tiny-bit happy about being settled finally at work. And, the moment I reach office, I get the news from my Manager here, that they are thinking again. And, by when will I get to know the final result? Don’t know. Wait continues.

I feel like crying but I can’t. It’s the same way every time. I want to cry it out and get over with. But, I’m not given the opportunity. I have to deal with a heavy, crying heart. I can feel it. I can feel the heart shedding drops but I can’t let that get out through my eyes.  And, I feel the pain from a new portion of my heart. The portion that yearns for professional achievements and fulfilment. That wants to make a mark in the area where I am an individual. Where my and only mine, hard work shows. I want to feel that it’s more than confidence and PR that got me where I am. I deserve to be at the top for being myself. For having the knowledge as well as the character. I have toiled honestly. I don’t know if I have worked enough or not as per the world’s standards. But, I’ve worked honestly and given my best effort to my career. So, I expect to be rewarded with the recognition for the same.

A lady works hard in two fields – at office and at house. She’s never recognised or appreciated for her hard work at home because it’s supposed to be her duty and responsibility to take care of everyone. If there are any faults, she’s criticised but she’s never complemented if things are going ‘normal’. 
Work is the only area where you work hard and can expect to be recognised. I hope I am. I yearn to be. I won’t die till I do. If I did die before that, I guess I’ll hover around here as a ghost. Coz, I won’t settle till I settle.
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3 months of ups and lows

Well, after really long gap, I’ve got the opportunity to write back to my blog. Have been aching to get back but never got the chance. It’s not like I didn’t have the time, I was never alone. I need my privacy when penning my thoughts. With one laptop at home and that totally occupied by Tarun, I don’t get free time + PC free. And, I’m totally avert to the idea of Tarun watching over while I blog.

Never mind.

So, in the past three months of my stay in Bangalore, a lot of ups and downs have come. Uncertainties, shocks, surprises, challenges, and recognition. Well, I’ve seen it all. 🙂 But, overall, I would say it was worth every penny spent. And the learnings, as much harsh, are worth keeping.
Let me try and put down the events and my learnings with them quickly here.

Loss of a near one: I lost a cousin of mine. He was 22, diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Within 4 months of detection of the cancer to the end, it all happened that fast. These days medical science has grown so much that one would believe there’s no disease which cannot be treated. And Cancer, well, what’s the big deal. I was really not prepared for this. The brother was a first of its kind in the whole world with that type of cancer. Before that, AML was found only at later age of life, like after 35 yrs of age. He was a bare 22. Even when they put him to ventilator, I was sure he would come back. The astrologers had said he had a long life. He was one with a never-say-die attitude. Even till the end, he never thought that he would die. He just thought it was a long battle that he would have to fight but he would win. It showed on his face, in his attitude. It’s a difficult thing to accept that its over. It really is over. What I need to learn from this…
  1. Time never returns. No matter how well you felt for the person, how good and deep your feelings were for the person, you may never get a chance to tell him later. Tell them now, else you will regret it forever. At the time, he was battling with the disease, I was busy shifting to Bangalore. My life was a mess and I never got time to call him or his parents and ask for his health. I know none of it could have changed his condition but it helps you heal later. Now, I feel a guilt on my heart calling my Mausi or Mausaji. I feel ashamed of going in front of them. I feel like I abandoned them in their times of need. So, call your relatives often. Even if it’s nothing more than a hello. It makes them feel you close.
  2. Love your loved ones when you’ve time. These days in the mad rush of making your child learn to run, to compete in the fast world, we forget how much we love them. My Mausi n Mausaji lost their son, their child, the child they had loved so much. And in the 4 months when he was slipping away from their hands, the only thing they wanted was to keep him in never let go from their sight. Love your child unconditionally. How does it matter if he learns to throw a ball little later than the rest of the children. How does it matter if he doesn’t like to play cricket but enjoys playing flute or learning dance more!? If he’s snatched away from you tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter how well the other person’s child is doing. You would have lost yours and the loss is only yours. Love them till you have them with you. While you can.
  3. Never get too attached to anyone, not even your children. Nothing is permanent.

29th November’2012: Oh boy! What a day it was. The fact that it was my Anniversary didn’t make it so eventful than the way it went. I was slated to have an interview on 30th with a dream company. On 28th I got the news that I’ve an interview with the same D company from my current company, in two days. Expecting a clash in the interview, I preponed my personal interview to 29th so that the company’s interview could happen on 30th. That was the earliest it was expected.
On 29th, the interview was supposed to be from 9.30 -12.30 morning slot. I started early from home and got full-on jam of Bangalore. The Auto Driver decided on some fare when I took it from my home, but since I was getting down at such a big company, he flipped. He said I would charge 1.5 times of meter. He started howling at me in Kannada. He knew I wasn’t a Kannadiga and wanted to take full advantage of it. I tried to take help from the people around on the red light but no one was interested in getting into a mess right in the morning of a working day. Well, I decided to seek help from the traffic police man. Thankfully, he was good, smiled at the autowallah and told him to take the fare as previously decided and let me go. But, because of the altercation, I was 5 min late instead of 30 min early.
The interview, Phew! I had 4 technical rounds in 3 hours. Back-to-back. The current interviewer left me only when the next came standing on top of him. I was drained by the end of it. At 12.35 I was out of the company and trying to pick up my nerves.

Well, as fate would have it, it wasn’t happy enough on screwing the timelines and preparation of mine by 1 day and by the turning of events. The moment I switched on my phone back, I got a call from my current colleague that our interview (which was slated for next day) was supposed to happen today at 2.30. We’re supposed to go to client company for interview. Wow! Oh God! I don’t think I was more scatter-brained ever in my life as I was at that time. I had not brought my lunch. I was supposed to eat after reaching office. But, since I was late, we had to rush as soon as I reached.
We waited for an hour at the reception. I just got one coffee and some biscuits to have as lunch. I took a round in the ground once to get hold of myself. And went back to waiting for him.
The interviewer came, we had our discussion, I don’t know what he asked and what I answered. But, it got over. The learnings:
  1. Man proposes. God disposes.
  2. You suck at Digital. Work it up before you even think of any interview.
  3. Tarun is always right only if you listen to him.

Anay:
Well, a short update on Anay also. He’s starting understanding tits n bits of English. Started using words like ‘stand, sit and down’. 🙂 It’s nice to see that. Also, he’s able to climb the stairs on his own. That’s really an achievement. When I saw him doing that the first time, at the swing, I was shocked. I had lost sight of him only for a split-minute and there he was, climbing the stairs confidently and happily. He was already mid-way through.:O 😀
Ecstatic. It’s fun to play with him. He tries to imitate the words we speak. Loves to spend time with us, play games with us. Totally enjoying. 🙂