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I’m feeling drunk…drunk with pain. Have you ever felt it?

The heart is sinking. I try to distract it but after a moment, it returns to the motion of sinking down. Is it the same for you too – the pain?

I feel like sinking down from my chair to the floor. I don’t know why but whenever I’m sad or feel like crying, I feel like crouching on the floor, or lying flat on the floor. I feel like being close to the nature, the mother earth. Maybe it’s the ‘mother’ part of the earth that invites me. Invites me to soothe me. Does it ever happen to you?

It’s hurting a lot right now, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. I know things will go back to fine. But, it doesn’t reduce the pain right now. It’s weird how my heart aches and yet it has the knowledge that it’s temporary. Is it a part of being grown up and mature? Is it because I’ve so much faith in the fact that it’s going to be over soon? 

This pain is so different from the pain I feel when I lose an object. So different from the pain when I have a disturbance with my MIL. So different from when I have a argument with Tarun. Does heart have different areas and different flavours of pain? Have you ever felt it?

Am I becoming a sadist to be analysing pain? In a way, am enjoying the fact that it’s paining so much because I’m secretly being happy that I’m going to get something amazing once this ends. Coz, pain is never a waste. It always brings happiness or surprise or a great amount of learning with it. 

The Pandit said it’s going to be a bad phase till 27th. It’s still 17 days to go till then. It’s scary a bit to think of what more I’m gonna see in the next coming days. What else am gonna lose. What embarrassment or low-points will my life see? The recognition and self-worth I’ve felt, for the first time in my long life, in my profession, will I lose that feeling by the end of it? Screw the Pandits. Seriously, sometimes it just feels like I could just sit in a corner of the room and pass these 17 days away silently. Do nothing, try nothing. What a waste of time. What a waste of valuable time of your life!!

I hope I never visit any Pandit again and remember not to. I know it’s all as per destiny that the life is going to go. No matter how hard you try, or what you do, things will work as they are destined to. But! But, it takes away the whole fun of living a life. What’s the point of living a life if there’s no surprise element in tomorrow? What’s the point in knowing that I would die tomorrow, today? If I hadn’t known, I would have lived today like I would live to a 100! So, moral of the story, ‘Live your life as if it’s going to go on forever. Try new things. Even if you fail, you would know a new way it could go wrong’.

Thinking of that, I screwed up 1 ltr of milk over the weekend trying to make khoya at home. My Mom told me to let the milk heat on till it reduces to solid-paste state. I let that happen. But, I forgot that I had to ‘stir’. End result? What else, asshole! The khoya got stuck as a black mass at the bottom and I had a khoya looking beautiful from the top but full of foul smell of burn inside it.
Now, I’m going to try it again this week. And. I’m going to succeed.

You may wanna know what happened to cause the pain. Remember my telling in the last post that I was supposed to go to the dream company from my current company as a client project. Well, after confirming me on Friday, they decided to rethink on it, on Saturday. So, am left lurching and biting my nails again. I had only started to feel relaxed and a little, tiny-bit happy about being settled finally at work. And, the moment I reach office, I get the news from my Manager here, that they are thinking again. And, by when will I get to know the final result? Don’t know. Wait continues.

I feel like crying but I can’t. It’s the same way every time. I want to cry it out and get over with. But, I’m not given the opportunity. I have to deal with a heavy, crying heart. I can feel it. I can feel the heart shedding drops but I can’t let that get out through my eyes.  And, I feel the pain from a new portion of my heart. The portion that yearns for professional achievements and fulfilment. That wants to make a mark in the area where I am an individual. Where my and only mine, hard work shows. I want to feel that it’s more than confidence and PR that got me where I am. I deserve to be at the top for being myself. For having the knowledge as well as the character. I have toiled honestly. I don’t know if I have worked enough or not as per the world’s standards. But, I’ve worked honestly and given my best effort to my career. So, I expect to be rewarded with the recognition for the same.

A lady works hard in two fields – at office and at house. She’s never recognised or appreciated for her hard work at home because it’s supposed to be her duty and responsibility to take care of everyone. If there are any faults, she’s criticised but she’s never complemented if things are going ‘normal’. 
Work is the only area where you work hard and can expect to be recognised. I hope I am. I yearn to be. I won’t die till I do. If I did die before that, I guess I’ll hover around here as a ghost. Coz, I won’t settle till I settle.

One thought on “Pain

  1. This reminded me of one of my talks with my elder sis…In the end I could only say, “di sab theek ho jayega” Same goes for you too 🙂
    and yeah, I know the feeling..this is for the have you felt it part 🙂

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