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It’s an old post I wrote to my best friend but never sent. Putting it here, where it’s not lost.

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Hi,

It’s been long since I talked to you…talked heart-to-heart. Talked truly. I am missing you today. I am missing the times when we could share everything without thinking of the consequences. And, what were the consequences!? A heart free of agonies, a mind free from the load of the world of worries? I never regret sharing my life with you. Perhaps, I could share it so freely only because we were so distant and yet so close. There was no judging involved. You were just a friend who could go away if you wished to. Things were free from the complexities of the society, the world, the relationships etc etc. I am so glad it was that way. Else, I would have lost you too, just like I lost so many others.
I feel like talking the whole day to you. Tell you all that you missed. Tell you all that I felt. Tell you the way it is, without any fear of being judged. Without the fear of being ridiculed or being criticized for thinking that way, of feeling that way. Tell you the most internal truth of me. The real me. I don’t remember the last time I let the ‘me’ come out. It used to be so out in the open initially. Marriage has taught me to be discrete. It’s taught me to be private. It has forced me to live the dual life that everyone lives. The life I never wanted to have. The adulthood I never wanted to step in.
I wonder if the spark that was within me has ended. I remember having it in me. I would love to believe that it hasn’t. But, am not sure. I know I have changed. I know I have grown up. Whether I like it or not, whether I wished it or not, that’s an irrevocable process that has happened to me. Just like motherhood.
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The feelings are so similar even today. About growing up, about maturing up….about losing the child.
I can reflect on my life gone by and see how people wish the child in you to grow up and save them the oddities….caused by your upfront comment. But, actually, that’s exactly what they liked or enjoyed in you. Now, when I’ve grown up, learnt to say the right things at the right places, I feel like I’m part of the mass. What’s the difference in talking to me or talking to any other person? Just a slight difference of opinion on mundane worldly issues. The thing that defined me was the open-heart. The world closed it. At least it definitely has been curtained. What does the world get in making so many clones? Why are people not left to be themselves? Can we, the people of the society, really let people be themselves? Is it part of being civilized humans or is it part of becoming ‘social’.
Whatever it is, it’s a pity. Society really needs to evolve.
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9 thoughts on “

  1. I think the child inside us doesn’t have to die and maybe it never does. It does stay in some form, in that excitement we feel every now and then about anything or everything. I have become aware of what I say and how people think about me and my image overall but still when I talk to friends I feel the child comes out on its own
    Its sad to know you are no longer in touch with the friend.

    1. At ur age, I thought the same (that the child inside never dies) but now I have started doubting it myself. Previously, we used to make it a point to take a leave on each other’s bday. No matter whether we’ve enough leaves, or we have some imp work, we made sure to spend the day together. Now, it’s not so anymore. Now, if we have imp deadlines, we decide to put it off to sm other time…the time that never comes. Now, the consequences seem more dire than they previously seemed.

      1. No, you didn’t get my comment. I meant that right now, u r at the point where u have recently moved out of college and still in touch with your friends, with some part of your childhood or youth. As time goes on, you get married, you have kids…you change bit by bit. And, then without your knowing you reach a point where you’ve lost contact with all parts of your innocence. That’s when you become grown up. You may do silly things once in a while, to prove to yourself that you haven’t lost it as yet. But, you know that you’re being silly. You don’t mention it to anyone at work or at home. You know…?! I don’t know if you can relate to it right now but maybe at some point of time. It’s not about my case specific. It’s just part of growing up. And, I feel like I’ve reached the point where I’ve lost it all. It doesn’t mean I’m bad but I just miss it….

      2. Hahaha. sab ladkon ko shadi karne ki jaldi hoti hai (to get the girl) but, bachhon ki, shadi ke after math ki, koi nahi sochta. ๐Ÿ˜€

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