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Bored

Some trivial thing happened in the lunch time. And, my spirit to work is lost for the day. So, am lazying around, passing my second half of work away. My manager, who sits right in the next block, and can see my screen anytime of the day, is mostly away for meetings. So, that’s another bonus.

My US-mania is back and in full form. Yesterday again, I tried to pump Tarun to try a life in US. One of my dear friends, almost the only friend, from childhood, just returned from a office-trip from Singapore. She and her husband also work in the same company (both MBAs). So, both of them were gone to s’pore. The husband says that he wants to live separately from his parents. They have so much expectations from us, all our time is wasted in meeting relatives etc whom we never enjoy to meet. And, still, parents are unhappy that we don’t do enough. He wants an independent, free life. 

My friend, who would love to take the option, cannot, because their child is small and she cannot work if no one’s there to take care of him. So, they cannot live separately.

Everyone in the world feels the need for this freedom. I don’t know if Tarun is a different species or if he doesn’t admit it because I so vehemently ask for it. I don’t have any problems with them. I just want my personal space. I want to try making my life my way. Want to make my own mistakes and raise my child my way. I don’t want anyone else to put blame on. I don’t want anyone else to take credit for it. I hate it when I’m told that they take care of him ‘for me’. I simply ‘hate’ it. 

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s only me who’s so restless. Or, is it the girl-factor that makes me so restless and dreamy-eyed (word most commonly used by my Mom). Or, is it the age that makes me that. Or, maybe I’m just bored and my mind cooks up dreams during the day to while away the time! 😀

Well Well. Whatever it is, I don’t want to let it go. I want to keep it, cage it, imprison it, if I can. Sometimes I have this strong urge that tells me that if I didn’t go forward and talk to my in-laws about living separately, then perhaps I’ll never be able to. This is ‘the’ time when I can say it. When I can actually say it in a way that makes them understand that it’s not because of them, but it’s just because of ‘me’. Why is it ‘the’ time? Coz, I’m most happy with them right now. There’s no hurt or problems under the surface that I would have to lie them about. I can be candid and truthful when I say for a second home. 

I don’t want to abandon my responsibilities. I don’t want to let them suffer in their old-age while we enjoy somewhere. I want to be around. I just want to have my own space when things are smooth. I just want a personal space where I can make my own home and see if I can keep it or not. I want to try make a ‘home’ and also seek their help, if need be. Seek the guidance while they are still there than face those issues after they are gone. 

It’s not running away from the problem. It’s a thinking for the future. It’s something that I would do even for my son, when the time comes. It’s a kind of a sacrifice from a parent’s perspective. But, it’s a great learning opportunity that you give to your child while you’re still there to help him through it. I wonder if many parents can do that. I don’t know if it’s right to expect them to do that.

But, I definitely feel it’s the right thing to do.

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5 thoughts on “Bored

  1. Well, long time back i had written a long comment on a post of yours in which you expressed a vehement wish to settle down in USA , but then ,don’t know what happened and it was lost :(.I am determined to write it again here today :).This comment is specifically about settling down in USA and its entirely my personal opinion.
    Personally , I think this idea is something that seems rosy from distance.Definitely , it converts into a better financial status , a better living style – more freedom , no pollution , international exposure , security of life , no cribbing about infra or hypocrite indians , politics , corruption etc . These are the good sides.But having spent an year in South Korea, i know what it means to live in a foreign land for long term.I missed many of my friends’ weddings, bdays , important occasions in my siblings and friends’ life and literally lost my circle, coz chatting is not same thing as meeting in person or celebrating good moments and lending a shoulder in bad times.My relatives barely remembered me, until now when I got back in touch again.I missed celebrating indian festivals , missed the stuff in indian markets – delhi markets – my indian fashion style – i missed the authentic indian food , and the ease with which i could go out and eat golgappas.All in all , Indian in me was really choked.May be its not the same as USA, but USA is definitely not India.Secondly , there is this factor of permanency .I had left all my cherishable stuff ( my soft toys , gifts dfrom pankaj etc) behind – my art and craft stuff , hobby material , my fav books etc , and i could not buy stuff there because i knew i couldnot take them back with me coz of limited luggae space.Even if someone is living there , if one buys some furniture etc , one ll dispose of everything before returning .Some people like me can’t live like that .I get attached to my stuff , so while in korea i was kind of postponing my life till i reached back india – coz thats where my home was .And i would buy something permanent and cherishable which i would keep forever in my home – which was not a foreign land.
    Third , the racial discrimination – it exists!not everywhere , not may be in office , not always , but may be once a year – some casual remark or look from someone – and it ‘ll stare you in face in all its existence , and at that one moment , there is nothing you can do about it.India never made me feel that , not even a single moment – when i felt discriminated against for my colour , or my country of origin , or because certain races were superior than another – the presence of this mentality around in a foreign land chokes me.
    then there is the family , when my mom complains of knee pain , I am there with her on weekend .Which ofcourse is not possible if I am in USA or any other country for that matter .
    I may sound very sensitive here , but foreign is not for people like me – who are sensitive.I have my cousin and his wife living off happily in USA for years and i doubt they have any of these issues which i wrote about above .And thats why i say , everyone might have a different opinion on what i wrote above depending upon personality type.

    Even I may go to a foreign land someday , but only if fate brings me to that , I consciously wont opt for it .

    1. First of all, thanks a lot for taking time to write it again. The comment means a lot. I had read it last evening and took time to internalize it. And, I remembered how I had felt the exact same things when I had gone to US for my 6-month stint. Making a life, a totally new life, is not easy. And, when you know that this life is temporary, it makes matter worse. I clearly remember missing idllying in CP, the golgappa chat etc (though it is available there but the taste is distinctly different). I missed a cousin’s wedding myself. And, people didn’t miss me much either.
      Thinking of it all, it definitely makes me re-think on my wish. But, as usually wishes are, it’s a wish, and hence has no control or sense on it. But, the comment definitely made me get a little patience and perspective in my heart, which I was so missing.
      Co-incidentally, I went home after reading ur msg and we went on to watch Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani in the night. Both carried the same msg (to me), of losing out on emotions and relations in a mad quest of ambition. 😛 I’ll take that as a sign from God to ‘tone it down’. 🙂

      1. 🙂 ..there is a reason why I chose to write it down, some time back there was an opportunity at office to work at S.Korea for an year or so.I had already given up this opportunity once and I lamented it like anything – because I could see people – who were unknown faces in office – grab that opportunity and spent an year in bliss careerwise and living style wise.I was not ready to let it go this time and I had decided that things will fall in place once I take the plunge.My family supported although with a torn heart of distance that will loom between us.I gave my name , and that was when the enormity of it all stuck me. Pankaj could join me there after some time , but I felt like that “some time ” would seem like centuries.And I realized I loved my family too a lot to stay separate for such a long time.I had so many things going on here – they all would be left in midst .My plans in life would be postponed.I suddenly realized I loved India too much .We live very freely here .In a foreign land , we are lonely , we may make new friends, but they dont mean as much as what our old original friends mean.And there are people who’ll make you realize you are 2nd citizen of this country .I’d rather be a first citizen in my country with all its fallacies.There is a grandness in the traditions of India and at home , everything seems trivial – but when you are away – you realise the warmth – that is left behind in india .So , I prayed to God for next few days that I was mistaken and all , and please take it back.As it turned out , my name didnt make it to final list ( which was surprising for many people) – and God , I was relieved.That was one my big dream so close to me – and I was relieved when I lost it :P. The crux is you wont realize it unless it becomes a reality for you ,all these points .I was almost there starting from the stage of what you are feeling today – and I realized it and thats why i shared it .

      2. 🙂 To put it in a lighter vein, as Ranbir Kapoor says in YJHD ‘Darling, googly pe googly daal rahi hai aaj tu’

        But, seriously, you’re so right. We want somethings only because they’re ‘out-of-reach’ for you. And in the stubbornness of achieving it, we forget the price we would be paying for it. I never wanted to go alone to US…without Tarun and Anay. I have already experienced that part in Bangalore. We went there for first 15 days alone, to set things up, before we could take Anay with us. Those were the horribl-est days of my life. I realized how heartbeat-connected I was to him. I always thought I’m not because I don’t spend so much time with him. But, those days are a proof that it’s not that.
        Also, you fantasize that some time alone as a bachelor would be a good break from the usual, but when you actually get the time, you find that it’s so boring, and lonely. Life makes sense and is worthy of living, only when you’ve your loved ones with you.

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