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Diary post

Dear Diary,

It’s 27th November’2013. Dad’s birthday. I had wished to send him a tile pic of both of us, but couldn’t. Even the pic is decided, but didn’t get the drive.

It was my birthday on 25th. Went fine. At least till the afternoon. Then I got the news of some visitors coming home. Well, I would have loved to have them if they had planned to come for my birthday. They just chance came and my birthday went for a spin. Of course, at 29, you should be mature enough to accept that it is just another day of the year, but I still feel the tug to make it special, to make it memorable. <Sigh> Tarun definitely tried to make it special. The morning was amazing. He got me flowers and a dress. The best part, it was all a surprise he planned. A surprise becomes difficult to arrange after you’re married AND working in the same company. We’re pretty much together all the time that we have free. So, it was great he could pull that off 🙂 But then, as I always say, ‘if you wish, then you can’. I admit and always have, that he’s perhaps the best thing that happened to me. I had a curt tagline for FB that day, which got spoiled by the news of visitors. It went something like this:

“The best birthday gift I ever received in my life, was given to be by my Dad. In 2009. He was 4 days late but I would excuse him the delay. The gift was ‘Tarun Aggarwal’. The best gift any father could give his daughter. Thanks Pa!”

Well, the thought was true and it holds true no matter what situation I am in. Even when am going through the lows of marriage, and am tired of fighting with my thoughts and myself for having those thoughts, I remember him. That’s the only thing that keeps me going. There are times when I have sincere thoughts of quitting it all and moving on. Sincerely, I have them. And, I reach the point of working out the arrangements. The ‘hows’ and the ‘whens’. And, there is no question about whether I can do it or not. Whether I’ll be able to manage or not. The only thing to hold me back is the wrecked look of him. That’s what the love and trust of someone does to you. And that’s what I mean when  I say Marriage is a binding. A ‘bandhan’. Same goes for Love too.

I wonder then that I’m fortunate to have a caring husband. I have myself seen a lot of men and women who are not so fortunate. And, frankly, there are more ‘those’ cases than cases as mine. I wonder what keeps ‘them’ going? Girls these days are more independent and free-minded than they have ever been. They don’t stay in a relationship just because the society approves of it. Or, because her parents won’t keep her if she quits. She can afford to live alone. She has anyways always questioned on what she’s doing and what she’s not doing, so people questioning is not something new for her. So, what is it exactly that makes her continue to suffer and not go for something that ‘she’ wants.

I think the only reason is, because a happy family is a dream she has had in her for almost all her life. Right from the time she played ‘house house’. And to accept that the dream is not for her, is a difficult feat. Hmmm……. the thought saddens me.

 

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Some baby steps and a major milestone

Friday 22nd Novemeber’2013.

Turned out to be a day full of news.

1. Tarun’s Visa interview. Cleared. Approved.

2. I clear my Low Power course from IIT. Get my results.

3. Had discussion with my Manager and VP about reduced work-hours.

Wednesday, 27th November’2013

All is final now. 🙂

Tarun received his Passport back from Visa consulate. He can now travel to US for work/pleasure freely for the next 10 years. Don’t know about myself but he’s quite excited 🙂 Happy for him.

I sent my final mail to the Management about my reduced hours. And now it’s on paper that I’ll be starting to work less hours, and more with my son. I don’t know how things will work out with my MIL but I’m really happy thinking about Anay. I sincerely hope it works out. There are lot of dreams, hopes, expectations attached to this milestone. Seems like a major milestone of my life.

 

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Mistakes and Marriage

Almost always, after I have had an episode, where I break down, when I feel lost and totally helpless, even outraged by the circumstances I am in, in the family I’m married to, in the family setup I’m living in, etc etc, I also end up feeling guilty.

Most of the times this breakdown comes because I am not able to accept their way of life. I want to live my way. And, these are not differences in terms of values. These are just things which she enjoys doing, but I don’t. I don’t mind her doing it. But, I dislike being a part of it myself.
I don’t know how to explain.

But you know, sometimes, you just reach a point where you want to ask how much is too much. Where and when can I genuinely say ‘too much’ and others agree that it is too much.

A woman gets married, enters a new house-hold. Let’s forget the settling to people, people’s expectations, your aspirations. Let’s just totally put them aside. Let’s even put aside the fact that it’s a woman changing home. I pose the problem to you – whatever your gender be.

You have lived in your house, with your family, for close to 25 years, maybe even more. You learn to speak, to eat, to laugh, to behave, the way your family does. There are so many things you do a certain way in your daily routine and you never give it a second thought. Things as basic as how you eat (with a spoon n a fork, or with a simple spoon, or with hands), to the complicated ones like what you think is right and acceptable, and what you consider as wrong.

Now, you get married and you enter a new household. Here, people speak a certain language (some words which were acceptable to use in your house, are no more acceptable). They like to celebrate a certain way. They like to keep the house a certain way. Even the values/virtues which were unacceptable at your house are okay to have, here. What happens? Disorientation? Dizziness? I would say your world and the ground you stand upon, is practically and basically shaken. Add to the mixture the fact, that if you want ‘them’ to change, then you’re heavily out-voted because the majority is on their side (all of them used to ‘their’ way than ‘yours’).

How much and how many times this person can agree to your ways and accept that the ways his /her own parents taught, were wrong? Will you be able to accept that your spouse’s parents did a better job at parenting than yours? The whole concept of Indian marriages and living happily together starts sounding dubious.

But, then you look at millions and billions of marriages, which have already taken in the past. “Everyone survived”, you may say. Well, yeah! They did. But, I wonder how many were really happy. And is the sole purpose of it is to make someone’s life so ………. <can’t find the right word for it. Chose your own>

I guess not. I don’t regret a bit to have chosen Tarun as my partner. I always than God for having gifted me such a mature and loving partner. And, hopefully, I’ll keep thanking Him for the rest of my life. So the point of marrying someone whom you love, and spending the rest of  your lives together is not silly. I totally get it. Rather, I think, the prospect of making something new and unique by two people in love, is amazing. But, everything encapsulating it, in my opinion, ruins the whole experience.

I know I should just consider it part of the package and learn to deal with it. That’s how everyone else does. That’s how it has been happening since ages. Perhaps, that’s the only way it works. But, I still prefer the twosome-awesome thing, rather than the we-are-a-big-BIG-happy-family concept.

Peace.
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Some thoughts should never be spoken aloud or written. They should never be voiced because you never know, if they become true just by saying. But, I feel choked. I see no escape, no exit door, no window either. I want to go and take the extreme step. I know no one will support me in that. No One. And, I’ll be left all alone. … It seems my thoughts have turned so acerbic that they are poisoning me too. They are slowly yet continually making me hollow.

I don’t know what’s right or wrong. I don’t know if what I want is right or wrong. And, I don’t know what they are doing to me is right or wrong. I don’t know who’s the victim here — me, or them.

I just know that I don’t want to continue like this anymore. I am done.

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IIT Delhi

Our office offered us a 10-day course in IIT. It was on Low Power Design. A very basic course.

First, about the teacher. Dr. Vishwani D. Agrawal. He was great. I’m extremely humbled to have attended his classes. He has been in the industry and teaching since a long time and still the humility, the grass root levels that he comes down to, to explain the thing, his way of teaching, it was amazing. I totally adore such teachers. They instantly become my idol. I think it’s not about the task you’re doing, it’s about your attitude towards that task which makes you excellent. And, I think they have excelled that virtue.

Then, IIT. Aahhh. As much as I say, is less. We went there for 8 days. Including 1 Saturday. It was a super-crazy, maddening 2 weeks. The travel from home to work, then work to IIT, then back. There was a Hackathon going on at work too. I was participating in that also. Then, we had to submit assignments almost every other day for the course. They were assigned a day before and were scheduled to be submitted the next day. (What else were we expecting in a 10-day course!? Bahh!)

But, just those 2 hours of being in that campus, being ‘there’, was worth every bit of it. I absolutely loved the whole experience. I agree that by the 8th day, I was totally tired and was having aches thinking about traveling again the next day, but if I have to do it again, 1000 times, I would do it.

When I spoke to other people, like family, relatives etc, young ones, about it, they thought after so long, we’re more mature than being crazy about the campus. But, I don’t know the whys and the why-nots. I just know that ‘I was’. I was totally crazy about that campus. The canteen, the peacocks roaming around, the open air, the students around on cycles, sitting and discussing work, projects, etc. The SCOOP stationary shop. Ohh, the best hand-made chai and samosa!

And yes, on the first day that we went, the fest was on and DJ was goin on. Ahhhhh!!! The enthralling crowd, and what amazing DJ. I don’t think I’ve witnessed a better one. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

My heart aches when I think of it. When I remember. I wanted to just settle there. I wanted to just sit and absorb the whole of it in. Just sit and slowly watch each one of the areas so that all of it stays in my eyes, and never fades away.

😦

And yeah, did I mention that KarvaChauth also fell on one of these days. So, it was hackathon at work, then travel to IIT, study, then get back to work, work some more, then head back home, get all dressed up, and wait for Mr. Moon to appear before you got anything to eat. 😀 Suppperr! Phew!

These were the best 10-days of my life.

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My list so far

Long time ago, when the blog was conceived, it was started to cover a list of wishes/tasks/dreams that I want to achieve before I’m 30. Let’s see where we stand, as of today, on them.

1. Do/Get enrolled for Masters

Well, I attended a 10-day course from IIT-Delhi. If I pass in it, I’ll at least get a certificate. While this doesn’t cover my above stated dream, it’s a start in the direction. And, if things work out well, then I may be able to do Masters as well. But, honestly, I am not sure if that’s what I want exactly anymore. Anyhow, will go with the flow for the moment.

2. Go touring to some historical or culturally rich place with Mom

Not done.
3. Start learning some dance form.

Started and aborted. Didn’t start any specific dance form but there were classes happening at our gym. That was a good start. But, the gym took out a lot of my time from Anay. So, I aborted it for now. 😦
4. Create a pipeline.

Not done. Thinking in process. As has been for years. Hope this thought culminates into something conclusive soon. I did start some research on this one. Went to meet couple of people but the responses were quite disheartening. I know that’s what I want to be involved in ultimately. When I’ll be able to involve in it, that’s a question that remains open.
5. Go for a foreign trip

Well, this will happen as soon as I get the passports done for Anay and family. 😛
6. Go for a week’s trip alone.

Not done. Not happening in near future either 😛
7. Try a cigarette.

Not done. Let’s see when 😉
8. Practice the Geeta regularly.

Started. Aborted. Basically, whenever I start reading the Geeta, it takes away all my time for reading. And, after few days, I get bored of reading the same thing daily. So, I end up quitting completely. Will have to make some extra time for this OR find some way to put quotes from Geeta up on wall.
9. Give 1% to charity.

DONE. While this is something I would like to do every year, I’m done with it for this year. A very fulfilling and enriching experience.
10. Khamadkhaamna

DONE. This is another thing which has to keep happening. Here, I wanted to say sorry to all my friends or contacts whom I left as time went on. These people contacted me, tried to keep in touch, but I never took any measures to return the favor. I decided to get back in touch. There were very close friends who got out of touch. And it was hard to form a proper message/mail to send, or make that call. But, in the end, I’m very happy I did. Will try to keep it up.
11. Reduce weight. Add fitness to my daily routine.

Started. Aborted. Joined gym. Went off and on for two or so months. Enjoyed the thing a lot yet had to abort. My office and then gym took away major portion of my time from home. And while Anay was fine, I was not. I will get back to it once I make some amendments to my schedule. On it. Let’s see when I can say ‘DONE’ to this one. Right now, it’s a long shot.
12. No junk for a month.

Started, unsuccessful, started, unsuccessful. Have started this many times but end up fouling in at max 12 days. Lord knows this is turning out to be a tough one.
13. A road trip in India

Will have to reform this one. I’m travelling to many places but don’t feel like calling this done.
14. Get rid of my dog fear

Aahhh!! Long story. Not done.
15. Go to US for some time with T and A

Not done.
16. Get my space.

Well, as of today, I can say, I’ve been working and getting it somehow. Tomorrow, my answer may change. Let’s call it Work-in-progress.