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Mistakes and Marriage

Almost always, after I have had an episode, where I break down, when I feel lost and totally helpless, even outraged by the circumstances I am in, in the family I’m married to, in the family setup I’m living in, etc etc, I also end up feeling guilty.

Most of the times this breakdown comes because I am not able to accept their way of life. I want to live my way. And, these are not differences in terms of values. These are just things which she enjoys doing, but I don’t. I don’t mind her doing it. But, I dislike being a part of it myself.
I don’t know how to explain.

But you know, sometimes, you just reach a point where you want to ask how much is too much. Where and when can I genuinely say ‘too much’ and others agree that it is too much.

A woman gets married, enters a new house-hold. Let’s forget the settling to people, people’s expectations, your aspirations. Let’s just totally put them aside. Let’s even put aside the fact that it’s a woman changing home. I pose the problem to you – whatever your gender be.

You have lived in your house, with your family, for close to 25 years, maybe even more. You learn to speak, to eat, to laugh, to behave, the way your family does. There are so many things you do a certain way in your daily routine and you never give it a second thought. Things as basic as how you eat (with a spoon n a fork, or with a simple spoon, or with hands), to the complicated ones like what you think is right and acceptable, and what you consider as wrong.

Now, you get married and you enter a new household. Here, people speak a certain language (some words which were acceptable to use in your house, are no more acceptable). They like to celebrate a certain way. They like to keep the house a certain way. Even the values/virtues which were unacceptable at your house are okay to have, here. What happens? Disorientation? Dizziness? I would say your world and the ground you stand upon, is practically and basically shaken. Add to the mixture the fact, that if you want ‘them’ to change, then you’re heavily out-voted because the majority is on their side (all of them used to ‘their’ way than ‘yours’).

How much and how many times this person can agree to your ways and accept that the ways his /her own parents taught, were wrong? Will you be able to accept that your spouse’s parents did a better job at parenting than yours? The whole concept of Indian marriages and living happily together starts sounding dubious.

But, then you look at millions and billions of marriages, which have already taken in the past. “Everyone survived”, you may say. Well, yeah! They did. But, I wonder how many were really happy. And is the sole purpose of it is to make someone’s life so ………. <can’t find the right word for it. Chose your own>

I guess not. I don’t regret a bit to have chosen Tarun as my partner. I always than God for having gifted me such a mature and loving partner. And, hopefully, I’ll keep thanking Him for the rest of my life. So the point of marrying someone whom you love, and spending the rest of  your lives together is not silly. I totally get it. Rather, I think, the prospect of making something new and unique by two people in love, is amazing. But, everything encapsulating it, in my opinion, ruins the whole experience.

I know I should just consider it part of the package and learn to deal with it. That’s how everyone else does. That’s how it has been happening since ages. Perhaps, that’s the only way it works. But, I still prefer the twosome-awesome thing, rather than the we-are-a-big-BIG-happy-family concept.


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