It is such a special word, yet so common.
At the outset, till we’re perhaps 9-10 yrs, it signifies, some specific people, with whom we play/be for the major part of the day.
Then, we age a little more, and it starts signifying a special two or three we enjoy most with, share our fairy tales, our dreams, our sorrows and most of all, our hates. 😉
And, then comes college, we have a room full of people and there’s not even one who is ‘not’ a
friend. And, there are more who would like to enter the room, but it’s already full.
And, we move on to work-life/married life, when we find a special friend. The friend we get closest to. Emotionally because we share the scariest of the dreams and the happiest of the success.
And, then, the term gets hazy.
I’ve reached that point.
I have school friends but mostly in touch through FB. I have college friends, whom I thought were my best friends. They knew me so well. I could rely on them no matter what I did or where I am in my life.
I expected the feeling to remain forever. For-ever. But, that doesn’t happen. Even forever has some boundaries, some limits, some timeout.
I met my very old friend, my bestie ever, a little while ago. He got engaged recently. We were pretty much waiting for that event so that we can meet each other with our spouses, more comfortably. But, when I met him, it must have been almost 4 years since we met and spent that much time again. And, there was his fiancee also. Well, something changed. I don’t know what. Did ‘she’ rule him more and he was no more my only friend? No, that was not the problem. Somewhere, perhaps, I felt like I grew up and he was still there. We talked, we laughed, remembered our old times. He shared whatever had been happening in the last few years. There regular mischief and times with friends. These were the same things he used to do before, and I used to totally split into ripples of laughter. But, that was no more the case. I was laughing, but it was no more that regular free-laughter. It seemed forced. Somewhere inside, I was finding it all kiddish. Those acts, those things, I found them in poor taste now.
We had been in touch over phone now and then, but it was mostly the psychological stuff, the meditation, the talks about life, god, people etc etc.
Another friend of mine. We have been friends since school. The only one I have stayed in touch continuously (almost!) from those times. She had some rough patch going in her life. I listened to her. Gave my words of solace (what else could I do!?). But, then she wouldn’t talk. Just stopped talking. Whenever I pinged, she would reply saying ‘busy, ping u back’ but never pinging back. After a good 15 days of silence and no response, she pings back saying ‘need to crib, big time’. Of course, she had some cribbing and hate-to-get-out about her married life/MIL-issues etc. That’s how the girls bond after marriage. I felt sad. I felt used.
I want my friends to be with me even when ‘I’ want them. Not just when they want me. You may say that she was going through a low time so I should cut her some slack. But, this is not the first time. She’s done that before too. I did talk to her. Didn’t mention anything about my hurt to her. But sometimes I do think and feel like taking it all out on her. Just making her realize that friends are not toilet paper whom you use for your shit and then forget them.
You know, I always believed in forever-friendships. Friends being people who are there for you, all time. I want to be there for them all time, and want them to be with me, all time. This was kind of a childhood dream, rather a belief. It feels like it’s slipping away from me. I understand that people change with time. It’s the way of life. I have changed too. So, friends are not meant to remain the same. It’s an emotion, just like love, which remains constant. But, the person may not. People are meant to come and go in life. They come in your life for a purpose. And trying to hold them too hard, is like pressing sand in your hand. The more you press, the more they slip.
But I miss a person who could stand witness to my life. Where I can be totally myself. Where I don’t need to manipulate my words or think before speaking, as the words may hurt. I first expected the life partner to be that ‘one’ person. But, I soon realized what a big mistake that expectation was (Lolz!). Then, I thought friends are the answer for that. Well, sigh. No luck there either.
Now, I hope at least my blog stays a witness to me.
<Irony of life: There are billions of people in this world, yet there is not even one to stand witness to someone’s life>