The gurgling of the mind

Dear Diary,

Mind is aflutter. I’m not able to concentrate on my work. Nothing is wrong. No worries or problems which are causing me trouble. A regular day. But, something is irking somewhere. Don’t know what.

My passport arrived yesterday. I have to get Anay’s passport done now. Soon. Tarun is very busy with his work. I may have to go all alone with Anay to get it done. My parents always grew me up as an independent, handle-it-yourself, kind of a person. But, in the past 4 years, Tarun has been with me all-time, everywhere. While I liked the company, the support and the care, and I still like it, I know it’s crippling me somewhere. And all, unintentionally. It’s not that he does it purposefully or I don’t want me to be independent. But, it’s just happening, perhaps because we enjoy each other’s company. But now, I’ll have to do this to not lose it all. Before I lose my capability to handle things independently, I’ll have to do it. And this is my first task – to get Anay’s passport made.
Most of it should be smooth. Our documents are ready, because we went for his passport before also. Now, with my passport endorsed, I should be good to go and it should not take as long as it took mine. Keeping fingers crossed.

Once his passport arrives, we’ve to get our visas stamped. Then, the tickets, the itinerary planning, the funding. Too much work. Too much organization. Hope am able to do it. I should be able to do it. These are the kind of things I always dreamed of doing and thought I’ll be good at. Now, is the time to put thoughts to action. Let’s see how I perform.

Feeling good.

The ‘woman’

I have this desire. The desire to excel and achieve. To achieve something exemplary in life. To be ‘something’. Someone. Someone whose name rings a bell. You know, someone like who’s interviewed and published in Forbes Women of the year kinda list.

I know I know. I’m far from it. I know, I’m perhaps not even on the way to it. But, I know of how to be on the way to it. And, then, even if I don’t achieve it, I’ll be content to die trying.

I was reading a novel last night. It’s supposedly a romantic novel but I like the idealistic protagonists the author creates. Successful people, who have earned the position they hold in the society. They have made a mark for themselves in the society, on their own. They don’t always have the easiest of lives, or well-forged paths but as expected, it’s always a happy ending in the end. The novel was set in 1900s and the lady was studying medicine. Something that was not known or accepted at that time. So, breaking norms, breaking traditions and mind-sets to reach out and achieve what they really wanted to. They hurt feelings of loved-ones but always, their loved ones understand, and even approve in due course of time. There’s never a vehement disagreement.

So, novel-ish!! My Mom wasn’t wrong in calling me a romanticist. Living in a romantic (the literary ‘romantic’, not the common ‘romantic’) world that exists only in my head but is far from reality. 😛

Anyways. My life right now is full of activities and things-to-do that I do just due to responsibility. They are not somethings that I want to do or enjoy doing. If I want to do things I enjoy, I’ll have to do a lot of convincing, a lot of cajoling, a lot of explanations. And, in the end, it may just all be a futile attempt.

But, if I’m anything near to an achiever, then I should be putting that effort to make it happen. Rather than shying away from it or idling it all away. Maybe it’s time to plan and set it all up to achieve, than go by emotions and naivety. Set your eyes on it and achieve it. Don’t give it up till you’ve reached it. Whether it’s good or bad, it turns out to be useful or waste, let that be left to times-after. No questions, only attempts.

The Growing up Mom

For a long time now, perhaps ever since I returned from Bangalore, I found myself feeling unhappy about Delhi-NCR region. The pollution, the people, the education, the status-symbol weighing-more-than the person’s knowledge, and what not. As I tried more and more to find the right school, the right education for my child, the more concerned, and more dissatisfied I became.

Why has this happened after my coming from Bangalore? Is it because I’m unhappy with my house and in-laws that I try to find follies in everything around here? Or, is there some genuine reason there, really? Well, I don’t know what’s the true truth, but there is one very valid reason. I got a very good teacher where my child was staying during the day, while I went off to work, in Bangalore. So, that has given me a comparison point. The lady, the children there, her experience, her way of handling children, who are of all ages and of all maturities. She was amazing. There’s no denying the fact that she had raised my expectations.

But, today, I realized that while I can crib as much as I want, but that won’t change the people here, or the circumstances here. And, the reality is, the REAL FACT is, that the values that get imbibed in my child will depend totally on me. It won’t depend on the school, or on the teacher, or on the area we live in. I can’t plan where I live whole my life. I may be living in the best of the localities in the world, may send him to the best of the schools,and it still may turn out that the class teacher the school hired, that very year, turned out pathetic.

The point here is, I cannot control the outside factors. I can only control what’s in my home, in my hand.

The teachers in Indirapuram have very bad grammar. The CBSE schools force the child to study and run for grades too much. The children, coming from various families, like to fight first and then make friends. Ohh, I so wish I could save my child from all that. But, that’s not what I can do. It’s never going to be perfect. What I can do, is the following
1. I’ll try and fix my child’s grammar and pronunciation at home. If need be, I’ll pin-point his school teacher for the wrong usage as well.
2. I can’t stop schools from giving more importance to grades, but I’ll definitely try to avoid putting the pressure on my son at home. A lot of it will depend on me, solely.
3. I can’t stop others from being bullies. I’ll try and teach Anay how to deal with them. And, hope God will be with him, all the time.

Just as ETL learning folks told me, your son/daughter spends very less a time in school and a lot of time at home. (calculated it in front of me). So, focus on his education at home. Give him the environment you find befitting. And, be a good example for him to live by.

Life these days

Dear Diary,

My half-time is going good. I like to leave by 3.00-3.30. I like the feel when I step out and the sun is still up. And, it’s an extra bonus that I’ve the surety that it is going to stay up for some more time. I like the lonely time I get in the auto. Now, the autowallahs recognize me and I don’t need to tell them where I have to go. They no more argue with me over the money, which used to piss me a lot before.

Reaching home, Anay used to be sleeping, before. But, now he stays up and waits for me anxiously. It’s great to hear his voice booming out of the door, before its actually opened. And, seeing his eyes beam at me when I come, is heart-warming. Now, he looks forward to my coming home. He waits with his story-book in hand, sometimes. On others, he would have some other request ready – ‘Mom, daal-painting.’, ‘Mamma, the red, then blue, the red, then blue game’ <referring to an app that I downloaded to teach him colors on my phone>. 😀 Even the orange-eating and watching TV is a ritual for him, that must be done everyday. And, is there a change in him? He wants to sleep in Mom-Dad’s room instead of Amma-Dadu. He still goes for his ‘Lakshman ki kahani’ from Dadu but once the story is over, he wants to sleep with us.

The extra time with MIL is definitely proving to be testing. Almost all the days, by the time the day ends, I’m anguished and feel like getting into a closet, far far away. But, that’s another story.
The time reduced at work is also showing. The energy and enthusiasm I used to feel previously, I don’t feel anymore. 5 hrs pass by in a fuzz. I’m mostly rushing through my work, trying to close things. So, there’s not much scope to experiment, or learn further. All the learning is pretty much through the work-at-hand.

I hope things settle and I reach the ever-elusive-peace. God, be merciful.

Baby sitter day

Well, I am home by 4 nowadays. Previously, when I came Anay would be sleeping.  And he would sleep just half an hour before I reached and would sleep till 7. So, effectively wasting my paycut. Now, this week his cousin is visiting so he doesn’t sleep at all.  But now he doesn’t even care to glance at you. All busy in play.
Today, MIL had her monthly kitty. So, she has left me with both the kids. It’s only a matter of 2 hours. But I find myself in the middle of a battle. No, not the battle of the two kids (which I was pretty much expecting).  Rather a battle inside my head. Between the good-me n d bad-me.
Bad-me : ‘I’ve to put a stop to this immediately.  How could she even imagine leaving the kids to me?’
Good-me : ‘You’re not dying here, really. Anay slept. Adi is busy watching the video you so smartly started. Why create a fuss on a non-issue? ‘  
Bad-me :’ But still! Wat if she makes s routine of it? Darling, you’re falling into yhe house-wife trap already! N it’s only been 4 working days. Haa!’
Good-me: ‘You won’t die then either! Stop fussing!!’

Well, I’m standing on some very murky dangerous grounds. Honey! You better be home soon.

And a new year brings in new beginnings

Dear Diary,

Lots of thoughts today.

1. First post of the year.

2. Went to the bank yesterday. Found two cases of bastards who think ogling at women is their birthright. Repeatedly, made them aware that I know what they are doing. The bastards retaliate after three reminders. I was just one repetition away from shouting at them and creating a scene.
My resolution for the year – Enough of ‘avoiding’ and ‘ignoring’. Next time any one of them thinks I am a social property, I’ll give them a piece of my mind. Loud and clear. I never try to teach my son to call for trouble or start a fight but I definitely teach him to stand up on his own if he lands into one. I will try and teach myself and all the daughters around me, the same. Don’t deliberately land into trouble but DO NOT IGNORE or AVOID. Enough Avoiding. I don’t need Men now to protect me. Enough of banking on fathers, brothers or husbands. They are the ones who teach you or tell you to avoid. You can’t stand up to me. Fine. I stand up to my own.

3. There is an Indian festival called Sakranti in the month of January. It is supposed to be celebrated to welcome the new year and spring season, etc. We’re supposed to give warm clothes away. Normally, all these festivals have been converted to the meaning of giving clothes to your relatives/ in-laws etc. I had decided to use the festival for it’s real meaning.
The winters in Delhi are extremely cold and are turning bitter with every passing year. This year, finally, I bought 14 blankets for the poor n needy. I’ll be distributing them, hopefully, today evening. Sharing the act here so that if it encourages even one of you to go ahead and do the same, then we would have brought a difference to 28 such people. Did you know, one such blanket, costs just Rs 165/-. I mean, imagine, it’s nothing to us. But, it means a lot to those needy ones. So, do get up, go ahead and do it.

4. Starting 2 January’2014, I finally begin my half-day half-pay workday. Yesterday was my first day at it. All of it was new. Leaving at 3.00 from office was a little awkward, but I’m sure, I’ll get used to it. Somehow, instead of taking the direct auto home, I decided to give Metro a try. I had to change one metro in between. But, I like the metro ride. Lot of people around you, and a lonely, peaceful, me time. The whole experience is somehow killed in an auto.
But, unfortunately, the whole thing takes 1 hour while it hardly takes me half an hour in the auto. I could have still accepted the half-hour overhead, but I have to take an auto again from Metro to home. that makes the whole thing futile. Will sincerely like some alternative that includes metro and excludes the autos.

5. Really unhappy with Anay’s play school. Bangalore was really nice in terms of kids schooling. NCR is not just overly priced but also wasteful. The quality of education is pathetic. I did find an alternative but the school is quite far and I’m not sure if it’s wise to send the child, so small, so far.

Wish you all and your families a very happy and a prosperous new year.

-Hope