My List of 30
1. Do/Get enrolled for Masters
2. Go touring to some historical or culturally rich place with Mom
3. Start learning some dance form.
4. Create a pipeline.
5. Go for a foreign trip
6. Go for a week’s trip alone.
7. Try a cigarette.
8. Practice the Geeta regularly.
9. Give 1% to charity.
11. Reduce weight. Add fitness to my daily routine.
12. No junk for a month.
13. A road trip in India
14. Get rid of my dog fear
15. Go to US for some time with T and A
16. Get my space.
Well, if you look at my list of 30, rather, when ‘I’ look at my list of 30, some of it are things that my mind wants to do and that’s why they are in the list. And, some of it is what my heart wants to do and that’s what’s in the list. For the sake of this post, let’s call those things ‘dreams’. Coz that’s what dreams are to me – things you have no clue how to achieve but you still want to have them. While I’m continuously striving to achieve those things that my mind wants to do, the matters of heart are left to destiny. And, as luck would have it, they are moving at a fair pace themselves 🙂
But, what I’ve noticed about them is, that as I reach nearer to the goal, to the dream, it loses its importance to me. I lose the zeal for them or it loses its meaning to me. Lemme explain with an example.
I think I mentioned about it sometime before also. ‘Do/Get enrolled for Masters.’ My company has a provision where I can pursue my Masters from IIT-D (given that they ‘accept’ my resume and all sorts of further hassles. Let’s forget those – for the moment.). The point is ‘there is a way’ by which I can get that program. It fulfills my requirement of pursuing a Masters from a renowned, top-of-the-league institute. (FYI, I didn’t pursue an MBA when I had the chance of pursuing it from B+ grade colleges. I had attended a B+ grade college for graduation and I now valued an A grade college, far more. ). I loved attending the classes there. It’ll be lot of work but I would do it.
But, you know, as soon as I found out that there is some way this can be achieved, the wish flew out of my heart. You know, like the moment you realize you’re no more in love. The moment when the light goes off from on. Now, I’m no more sure that I would do it or not. Whether it’s worth it or not.
Same thing happened with my ‘Get my space’ thing. For as long as I remember, I’ve been crying, and pining, and fighting, and howling on getting my own space in my house. I live in a joint family. And, coming from a core-nuclear family, it was difficult for me to accept. And, it was unnatural to me. As much as I tried, as much as I hated, I was always a wreck whenever I had relatives coming over to stay. And, I wrecked the others too, because ultimately, they cared for me. So, it was kind of a loop. Now, after years of trying, Tarun finally decided that we’ll get the separate thing. Not exactly, separating from them, but maybe two floors or some arrangement, which makes things together yet comfortable for all. You won’t believe but the day he said it, and I knew that he meant it, and I saw him making arrangements for it, it improved for me. I had a visitor coming after that episode and my behavior and my self was totally different. I never knew I could be this comfortable. I never expected it could happen. It’s not like I was taking things easy now, which used to trouble me before, because I knew it’s temporary issue. I just didn’t feel any trouble!
This thing makes me wonder, are the dreams really dreams? Or just our own ego or mindset playing games with us. They seem to be a kind of trick, being played by God, to teach us something. Or, to just plain tease us.
Which dreams are ‘real’ real dreams? The dreams movies are made on… the dreams you work hard to achieve and you ultimately feel great satisfaction and pleasure when you actually achieve them?
And which are actually goals worth pursuing? Does it only happen to me or it happens to you as well? Is it actually that I’m a coward and give up too easy, because the hardest comes at the end, and I give up then?
I don’t know.