I always believed that there is nothing I regret in my life. All the things that happen to us, happen for a reason. All the experiences, the events that happened in my past, happened for a reason and they have enriched me, as a person.
I still believe that they do. But, now I feel regret. I feel regretful. I wish I had chosen the other path and tried. And, maybe, just maybe, I would have been closer to my dreams. Why does the regret feel more real? Because the dreams seem more distant. Perhaps shattered. I woke up in the morning today with tears in my eyes. And, the tears were for the dreams gone. The dreams which will never be true, ever perhaps.
Over the weekend, as usual I was dreaming and hoping of the things I’ll do. Of how I’ll execute. Of how I’ll tell Tarun and how we’ll be set on this new path. It needed changes, some drastic moves, some major risks, but that’s okay. Nothing that cannot be taken. Nothing that we cannot manage with….. But then, while we were returning from Akshardham, the thought stuck. The practical aspect. The improbability of something like this happening. How silly I’ve been to think this can happen!? How immature to think that I’ll say and people will just follow. And, will they be wrong in not following? There are so many factors involved. There are so many people dependent on us. They have a life too, they have some expectations from us too. Are they wrong in relying on us? Are they wrong to just be loving us? And how much do you know about this new thing? What are the chances that it’ll succeed? What is the research you’ve done in this? What is the guarantee you’re not headed to another debacle like Bangalore? People forgave you for it because it was your first mistake. They will not forgive you this time? You’ll become a laughing stock in the society. And, you’ll drag Tarun along in all of it. Does he deserve all that?
And, these are the same questions which could have been asked at any other point in my life. And, they would have been still valid.
All the risks that we take in our lives, all the decisions that we take involve some sort of madness to it. And, people applaud you if it works and people condone you if you fail. That’s part of the risk. But, somehow, those risks seemed doable then and seem silly now. Why? Because I’m not alone. There are loved-ones attached to me. It’s just not my reputation I risk. It’s them too, that I’ll risk. And, I’ve no right to do that. ….And that’s how life makes you mature… and old. That’s how life brings you to the point where you must forfeit your dreams, or forfeit the feelings of your loved-ones. You must pay a price for each dream that you earn. If you want to keep the dream, you pay equally, in cash or kind. But, here there’s no cash that can be given, only ‘kind’.