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Of Rejections and Expectations

Dear Diary,

My Manager informed me that it would not be me this year who would be allowed to attend the IIT M.Tech course, this year, at least. He had been mentally preparing me for it since quite some time, already. And, inside, even I was prepared. I had been telling myself that whether I get admission or not, there’s something great in store for me. God has something great in store for me. Either I’ll get this or I’ll move towards some other dream of mine, but something will definitely happen.

As things stand today, I am not closer to any other goal, nor am I moving towards the Masters. And, if the dream list was supposed to be till 30, then I’ve definitely missed this one. I turn 30 this year in November.

I know, there are so many reasons why it’s better that it’s not happening now. Anay has to go to school and I have to run around a lot for his interviews. It would have been impossible with my IIT course. Once his school is final, we’ll be making the changes to our home setting as well. That is again something which would be a total upheaval so this year is crucial at family front. It’s only my second year at my office, so it’ll give me some more time to prove my mettle and to make my mark. The course in this year would have needed a lot of help from my team and manager which would have left them dissatisfied.

Yet, a rejection is a rejection. A dream is a dream. And, it hurts nonetheless to see others living the dream you have been aiming for. You know, what’s the other funny thing about a dream. You start caring more and more for it when it’s being denied to you. When I was thinking about this course, I was having so many logical thoughts where I know it wouldn’t add much to my CV and if I really want to continue living the cool, balanced life that I have right now, I shouldn’t actually be pursuing it. It’ll open many gates and many more things to be desired once I have finished it. And, it may not be the best in my interests. And yet, as I hear more rejections, as I hear more and more people telling me how difficult and impossible it is, the more it fuels me towards it.

I don’t know if I’ll be pursuing it the next year or not. I don’t know if I’ll be caring about my list or not once I cross 30. But for now, it’s gone, for an year, at least. As I inch closer and closer to my 30, I see so many changes happening around me, in me. The family commitments becoming heavier, the loved-ones getting old and demanding attention, the toddlers growing needy, the priorities in life getting different, and the confidence that I had in my dreams and in myself, fading. Now, the uncertainties and the risks seem to be growing up taller than me, and my confidence and belief seems to find itself belittled. Is it part of the number 30? Is it the reason they have all those lists of things to do, dreams to accomplish, places to visit, all before 30?

Well, I have only few more months to know the real.

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What can she do?

My Mother is a 47 yr old teacher, working in govt schools, teaching since the age of 19. She has an M.A in English Literature and has a good command of the language, both spoken and written. She has attended various trainings given to teachers by the school, and then used it to organize workshops in her school. She attended CCRT training, British Council’s training. She has even given trainings to teachers further on the latest teaching aids through British Council, a program they conducted in affiliation with the government. She is very good in expressing her creativity through various art forms, having attended the craft workshops by local artisans in her school. She makes amazing worli art, the proof of which hangs proudly in my home, at various places.

Now, her health doesn’t allow her the strict regime the school commands. She’s managing her school responsibilities well but there are times when it totally breaks her body, and it gets difficult for her to reach back home. She wakes up at 4.30 am to be able to head for school that starts at 7.00 AM. With Diabetes and BP issues, it is time for her to give priority to herself than a schedule she cannot miss.

I want her to either quit her job, take VRS, or do something that is not so taxing on herself. She has been a working woman all her life so life without a job is something she cannot fathom. Plus, she feels a govt job is not easy to get any more. I think she’s multi-talented and it should be possible to find something else for her.

What is it that she can do now? Is there any site that I can visit and find out about the various job options the govt offers. Is there any person I can contact who can guide me in the right direction?

Any help in this regard is much much appreciated.

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Random thoughts

To be able to achieve Moksha, one needs to have a long life

Because whatever knowledge you learn, stays with you only in this life.

The soul grows and learns but only the most deeply assimilated thoughts stay with you in the next life. A lot of it goes wasted too.

Now, to live a long life, having discipline becomes important

Because without a healthy body, you cannot continue to have a long life. Illness will take over.

Which implies exercise/yoga/meditation are a must-have in your daily life.

But, one question – Why do we want to achieve Moksha. If all that’s in this world and outside the world is part of the eternal energy, the eternal soul, then whether my soul exists in a body (which keeps changing forms with each birth) or outside it, it doesn’t matter. I’m still a part of that eternal one. Now. And, always. So, what’s the significance of this life? What is it that God wants the humans to do when they get this life?

If I believe that God exists in each and every particle that I see around me. In the particle, and outside the particle. Then, it means, God exists in the non-living part of it too. So, a chair, a table, everything has a bit of Him in it (Science also says that each bit of this has energy trapped.) Then, perhaps when someone achieves Moksha, the soul/energy becomes a part of the non-living. Because once you become non-living, only then do your miseries come to an end. As long as you live, in whichever form it maybe, you’ll undergo change. And, any change, in any form, brings pain.