Of Rejections and Expectations

Dear Diary,

My Manager informed me that it would not be me this year who would be allowed to attend the IIT M.Tech course, this year, at least. He had been mentally preparing me for it since quite some time, already. And, inside, even I was prepared. I had been telling myself that whether I get admission or not, there’s something great in store for me. God has something great in store for me. Either I’ll get this or I’ll move towards some other dream of mine, but something will definitely happen.

As things stand today, I am not closer to any other goal, nor am I moving towards the Masters. And, if the dream list was supposed to be till 30, then I’ve definitely missed this one. I turn 30 this year in November.

I know, there are so many reasons why it’s better that it’s not happening now. Anay has to go to school and I have to run around a lot for his interviews. It would have been impossible with my IIT course. Once his school is final, we’ll be making the changes to our home setting as well. That is again something which would be a total upheaval so this year is crucial at family front. It’s only my second year at my office, so it’ll give me some more time to prove my mettle and to make my mark. The course in this year would have needed a lot of help from my team and manager which would have left them dissatisfied.

Yet, a rejection is a rejection. A dream is a dream. And, it hurts nonetheless to see others living the dream you have been aiming for. You know, what’s the other funny thing about a dream. You start caring more and more for it when it’s being denied to you. When I was thinking about this course, I was having so many logical thoughts where I know it wouldn’t add much to my CV and if I really want to continue living the cool, balanced life that I have right now, I shouldn’t actually be pursuing it. It’ll open many gates and many more things to be desired once I have finished it. And, it may not be the best in my interests. And yet, as I hear more rejections, as I hear more and more people telling me how difficult and impossible it is, the more it fuels me towards it.

I don’t know if I’ll be pursuing it the next year or not. I don’t know if I’ll be caring about my list or not once I cross 30. But for now, it’s gone, for an year, at least. As I inch closer and closer to my 30, I see so many changes happening around me, in me. The family commitments becoming heavier, the loved-ones getting old and demanding attention, the toddlers growing needy, the priorities in life getting different, and the confidence that I had in my dreams and in myself, fading. Now, the uncertainties and the risks seem to be growing up taller than me, and my confidence and belief seems to find itself belittled. Is it part of the number 30? Is it the reason they have all those lists of things to do, dreams to accomplish, places to visit, all before 30?

Well, I have only few more months to know the real.

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