Posted in Uncategorized

19 June, 2014 19:37

Dear Diary,

Life is going uncertain. There are changes happening. Involuntarily. I mean I’m neither driving them nor avoiding them.
The first major change being my going back to full-time.

I started my half-time half-pay day since January of this year and if things go as they are going, I’ll be officially back to full-time by July. 6 months is all it took. Why the moving back?
My office shifted. Previously I was able to take an auto or a metro and get back home. The new office doesn’t have such options. Secondly, with the heat soaring to a deadly 40+, I couldn’t manage going back in the auto. I used to feel so drained. Previously, I had thought I’ll give it a month or so and go back with Tarun. Once the heat wave subsides, I’ll be back to my usual routine. But, as fate would have it, our office also moved.

But. Does that mean there is nothing that could be done? I mean, where there is a will there is a way. So, if I wanted to continue my half-time, I would have made arrangements. I could have made some arrangements, isn’t it?
Well, it’s not like that I didn’t try. But, I’m not sure if it was a full-hearted effort. I was not very happy or over-the-top about my half-day. I liked going back early. I liked having some extra time on my plate. I was starting to be more personable and sociable to people whom I just didn’t pay much attention to, previously. And the time with Anay was definitely beautiful. But, none of it was complete. It didn’t make me feel complete. I missed the energy, the highs my job gave me. I was still working, but..something was missing with half-time.

So, am I chosing my career over Anay? Am I saying that I enjoy my time at office more than I enjoy my time with Anay? I can say ‘No’. I can give reasons also. I don’t need to say Ýes either. But, personally, I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s what it is. I would say, it’s a grey area. To me, honestly, I love my job and I love my son. I want to be there for my job when it needs me. I want to be with my son when he needs me. What I missed in those half-days was the absolute need of my time. I enjoy it but it doesn’t need me to be there with him all the time. I can give him quality time of mine even with full-time. It’s only about managing my time and energy better. Managing my life better. I can’t deny the fact that Anay was getting good environment and love at home even without my reaching early. Yes, he misses out on some of the English learning sessions, that maybe only I and Tarun can give, but we don’t do it 4 hours a day, anyway. So, overall, it’s about making my time with him. About managing my life better.

Let’s see how it goes. There’s a long road ahead and I can’t anticipate and plan everything. So, till then, I make choices which seem best to me. And for the best for my family.

Dear God, be with me. Love ya!

Smiles,
Hope

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Posted in Uncategorized

June06’2014

Dear Diary,

How are you? It’s been quite some time since I wrote to you. Life’s been going on. Didn’t have much to talk, didn’t feel like writing. Got my second wisdom tooth removed yesterday. It was hurting that I decided to get it out mid-week, rather than waiting for weekend. And, the result was a missed-dinner and a terrible, aching-morning. I don’t know if it’s the medicines which are making me drowsy or the pain, but I’m feeling extremely sleepy. I’m not really able to work.

So, as a result, I’m just whiling my time away. Working on the most rote work, not involving much of mind, applying it only if compulsory. FB doesn’t have much to offer either. Read couple of blogs. Then, re-started my Twitter account. I feel that rather than spending time on FB, where ppl have learnt to put up a careful, made-up facade, it’s better to be on Twitter. I mean, rather than being in touch with people on FB just because you know/knew them doesn’t mean that what you know about them now, through FB, is real. FB has become a parameter in our minds. When we click, when we post, when we think, even when offline, we think wid FB sharing as an aspect. People click selfies so that they can upload a new profile pic. People create scenes so that they can put it for a good laugh on FB. People humiliate people on FB, so that all the group can get together and ridicule/humiliate the person targetted.

Twitter, on the contrary, gives you an option. It gives you an option of not following the known people at all. And follow those, who really inspire you. And even the famous people, the celebs, the thinkers, the successful or the unsuccessful, share their most regular thoughts on Twitter. Yes, some may argue that I have this view-point for it because I’ve not used it yet. Once I get used to using it, perhaps my mind will get accustomed to think in Twitter’s perspective. And, it is possible that the people already addicted to Twitter, are already sharing consciously.

Well, I don’t want to know the secretive part of their lives anyways. I want to read and follow them for their thoughts on the subjects they are master of. e.g. Ramchandra Guha for his thoughts on the socio-political scenario of our country. I’m interested in knowing what he thinks of the day-to-day activities around him. And, there are numerous others like that.

I want to be put in touch with good articles on meaningful subjects. And spend my time reading those which further inspire me to move towards a better tomorrow.

Well, that’s about it. If I can, I’ll perhaps quit FB altogether.
Another thought that came to my mind: People come into your lives for a reason. They play their parts and then fade away. FB has brought back so many ppl in my lives, who have outlived their part and should be just part of memories. Re-mingling with them is, in a way, detrimental to growth.
I don’t know if that thought process is right or not, because I don’t have a concrete analogy/reasoning for it, but I do think that it is true.

Have a good day.

Posted in Uncategorized

May 16’2014

Dear Diary,

It’s not easy being cross. Especially if you intend to be cross for long time. You want it to be something that you will not accept. After Sunday’s episode when MIL shrugged me off and supposedly took control of Anay, I had decided to move out. No matter what the consequences, I had been scheming to move out. If Tarun had not prompted me, and talked me out, I think I would have done something. Now, when it is over, I don’t know if I ever have the guts or the insanity required for such a step, such a bold step, but it was totally in my mind. Yes, Tarun binds me. Anay binds me and keeps me put. No matter how much I say to be unattached, unaffected by them, my soul is entwined with theirs.

Now, the moment has passed, the day has passed. Life should get back to normal. But, it has not. I don’t feel like talking to MIL. I don’t feel any affinity or feelings towards her. There’s a continuous loathing which stays on my mind and in my heart towards her. I just want to finish my responsibilities and not have any kind of conversation with her. While writing to you last, on 12th May’2014, it did relieve me. It did give me the courage to at least go back home. Else, the feelings were all too fresh and the urge to leave it all was still there. If I had not written that message to you, and you hadn’t given me the support, I don’t know if I could survive going back home.

Now, it is the usual life going. I’m going home, as late as I can make it. I finish my work, as is expected. I talk to her, as is totally required. I listen to her and respond, wherever necessary. But, I’m sure she feels the distance. I’m sure she sees the emotions missing. She can feel the cold. I know Tarun wants to make it peaceful – the exit, the partition. And, I should be supporting him and not create any scene. But, whenever I see the way she tries to pull Anay towards her, whenever I see her dominating me for Anay, it cuts me. Whenever Anay goes and sleeps in their room, and cries for her in the morning, it hurts me. It seers me to the core. I know one cannot buy the emotions of a child. But, I also know that how easily children can be maneuvered towards/away from a person. And, I strongly feel that she does that. She wants to own Anay. She wants to grow him herself. Keep him all to herself.

And, still, none of this will make any difference. None of this will make sense to anyone and no one will accept that any of this is true. And, my state of emptiness continues. The mother inside me pines and pains every day.

Lord, give me peace. Please give me my space.

Posted in Uncategorized

May12’2014

Dear God,

Bahut darr lag raha hai. I don’t feel like going home. I don’t want to be near her. I don’t want to talk to her. I just want to be left alone. Or, perhaps not. The more lonely I am, the more I fall into the deep black well. I need to be with Anay. I want to be with Anay. I want to spend good time with him. I want to own him. Now, it seems forget owning, getting some time with him is something I will have to take permissions from her.

After our last argument and when I decided that I’ll not retaliate to anything she says, I feel like she’s growing more powerful over me. The fear from her is growing in me because I know I can’t retaliate. I can just cry and rot in my personal hell while she continues to live her life. I can’t let that happen. I can’t follow that. I must put my opinion and my wish out. Otherwise, it’s me to blame. She will continue to overpower me.

Anay is my son and she cannot take him from me. No one can. No one ever can. I will not let that happen. I survive only till I fight.

Yes, I fight.