It’s not easy being cross. Especially if you intend to be cross for long time. You want it to be something that you will not accept. After Sunday’s episode when MIL shrugged me off and supposedly took control of Anay, I had decided to move out. No matter what the consequences, I had been scheming to move out. If Tarun had not prompted me, and talked me out, I think I would have done something. Now, when it is over, I don’t know if I ever have the guts or the insanity required for such a step, such a bold step, but it was totally in my mind. Yes, Tarun binds me. Anay binds me and keeps me put. No matter how much I say to be unattached, unaffected by them, my soul is entwined with theirs.
Now, the moment has passed, the day has passed. Life should get back to normal. But, it has not. I don’t feel like talking to MIL. I don’t feel any affinity or feelings towards her. There’s a continuous loathing which stays on my mind and in my heart towards her. I just want to finish my responsibilities and not have any kind of conversation with her. While writing to you last, on 12th May’2014, it did relieve me. It did give me the courage to at least go back home. Else, the feelings were all too fresh and the urge to leave it all was still there. If I had not written that message to you, and you hadn’t given me the support, I don’t know if I could survive going back home.
Now, it is the usual life going. I’m going home, as late as I can make it. I finish my work, as is expected. I talk to her, as is totally required. I listen to her and respond, wherever necessary. But, I’m sure she feels the distance. I’m sure she sees the emotions missing. She can feel the cold. I know Tarun wants to make it peaceful – the exit, the partition. And, I should be supporting him and not create any scene. But, whenever I see the way she tries to pull Anay towards her, whenever I see her dominating me for Anay, it cuts me. Whenever Anay goes and sleeps in their room, and cries for her in the morning, it hurts me. It seers me to the core. I know one cannot buy the emotions of a child. But, I also know that how easily children can be maneuvered towards/away from a person. And, I strongly feel that she does that. She wants to own Anay. She wants to grow him herself. Keep him all to herself.
And, still, none of this will make any difference. None of this will make sense to anyone and no one will accept that any of this is true. And, my state of emptiness continues. The mother inside me pines and pains every day.
Lord, give me peace. Please give me my space.