19 June, 2014 19:37

Dear Diary,

Life is going uncertain. There are changes happening. Involuntarily. I mean I’m neither driving them nor avoiding them.
The first major change being my going back to full-time.

I started my half-time half-pay day since January of this year and if things go as they are going, I’ll be officially back to full-time by July. 6 months is all it took. Why the moving back?
My office shifted. Previously I was able to take an auto or a metro and get back home. The new office doesn’t have such options. Secondly, with the heat soaring to a deadly 40+, I couldn’t manage going back in the auto. I used to feel so drained. Previously, I had thought I’ll give it a month or so and go back with Tarun. Once the heat wave subsides, I’ll be back to my usual routine. But, as fate would have it, our office also moved.

But. Does that mean there is nothing that could be done? I mean, where there is a will there is a way. So, if I wanted to continue my half-time, I would have made arrangements. I could have made some arrangements, isn’t it?
Well, it’s not like that I didn’t try. But, I’m not sure if it was a full-hearted effort. I was not very happy or over-the-top about my half-day. I liked going back early. I liked having some extra time on my plate. I was starting to be more personable and sociable to people whom I just didn’t pay much attention to, previously. And the time with Anay was definitely beautiful. But, none of it was complete. It didn’t make me feel complete. I missed the energy, the highs my job gave me. I was still working, but..something was missing with half-time.

So, am I chosing my career over Anay? Am I saying that I enjoy my time at office more than I enjoy my time with Anay? I can say ‘No’. I can give reasons also. I don’t need to say Ýes either. But, personally, I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s what it is. I would say, it’s a grey area. To me, honestly, I love my job and I love my son. I want to be there for my job when it needs me. I want to be with my son when he needs me. What I missed in those half-days was the absolute need of my time. I enjoy it but it doesn’t need me to be there with him all the time. I can give him quality time of mine even with full-time. It’s only about managing my time and energy better. Managing my life better. I can’t deny the fact that Anay was getting good environment and love at home even without my reaching early. Yes, he misses out on some of the English learning sessions, that maybe only I and Tarun can give, but we don’t do it 4 hours a day, anyway. So, overall, it’s about making my time with him. About managing my life better.

Let’s see how it goes. There’s a long road ahead and I can’t anticipate and plan everything. So, till then, I make choices which seem best to me. And for the best for my family.

Dear God, be with me. Love ya!

Smiles,
Hope

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