As I lay in bed, trying to find a new activity every day, to pass my time, I think of people who didn’t call me. I don’t care much for the social, formality-sake calls, but I worry about the ones those I expected and didn’t come. A particular person, a close one, who was sure to call, called but not to me, but to family. I wonder why. Did I say something that hurt her? I think back to our last meeting, our last conversation. Ohh! I think I hurt her. But, I didn’t intend to. I was purely citing that example to share my pain, on her situation, on her pain. Of my fears. Ohh Dear! 😦 I feel sad to have hurt her. But, how could she take me wrong. I was just sharing. 😦
I remember all such past incidences, when I lost people. People who were important to me, but whom I hurt in my naivety. Just because I said something. But then, it never is just one instance. I am sure it was more. There must have been episodes before that, and it was just the last nail in the coffin. I don’t realize my mistake until it reaches this last, when the people just snap. Snap the relationship. Snap the contact. I am left with no choice but to let go. It hurts. It hurts even after many years. The fact that I remember all of them, even till today, proves that it always stays.
I wonder. I wonder how people let go of relations so easily. As I grow on in my adult life, I realize how difficult it is to create the same, easy relations that we used to have in childhood, in teenage life. Hence, I don’t want to let go of those relationships at all. There was lot of time and energy that went in building them. And just a misunderstanding, or a disagreement is not enough to waste it all. We don’t have the time any more to create those kind of solid bonds and understanding. The lifestyles, the complex living conditions that we live in, don’t leave any scope for it.
Or maybe, they do understand it and still think its not worth it.
I like people. I like talking to people. Exchanging thoughts, philosophies. Talking about my random ideas and their responses to it. I feel for their pain. I feel their happiness equally. That makes me a social person. But, I would rather call myself an open person. I don’t hide my thoughts, my problems, my views. I don’t poke into your problems, your lives either. I try not to. I specifically try not to pry into your personal lives. I just try and be there, if you need to talk to me. As a friend.
I wish I could just be the same old person I was. In a circle of a few friends. People, who knew me, understood me, and didn’t judge me. If I hurt them, they would lash back at me than give up. The adult world is fake. Social means fake. Where you say things to please people. To be in their good books. Agree with them no matter what you feel.
When I reach such points, I so feel that Tarun is so perfect a person. He’s considered an asocial guy. Doesn’t talk much to people. Concentrates on his work, most of the time. He likes to participate, but gets involved in it just that much. No friends, and yet a whole gamut of friends.
I don’t think I could ever be that way. Maybe I never should be that. I’ll just be what I am. Unrepentant. And stop judging myself for it. Before I ask people to stop judging me, I should stop judging myself.
Dear God, be with me!