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I screwed it up!

Dear Diary,

My happy bubble at work…I burst it, with my bare hands….because I couldn’t contain it. I was flying too high.

Anyways, this is what happened. We had a presentation at work, where pv folks from all teams were to get-together and speak about the good practices they were following and how it was bringing positive results.

It was first of its kind and it was my first in that big a forum. Some of the biggies of the company were supposed to be there.

While working on the ppt, I collected some data that clearly showed some remarkable work done by my team, esp me, as compared to the rest of the teams. I didn’t know that. It was nice to know, nonetheless.

As it turned out,  the other team took a peek into my ppt before the d-day and posted their results which were not just much higher than ours, but also deduced by very tweaked parameters.

While the ppt was on, their numbers took me by a surprise… and my body-language couldn’t have been louder about my thoughts. To make matters worst, I escalated the matter.

What did I do wrong?
– I was questioning a person’s integrity.
– I was doing that in a forum which is supposed to be high visibility. The person would fight tooth and nail, till the end of his life, to save himself and prove me wrong.
– I did it for a team that was revenue generating, while mine is at the back-end of it all. That team is pretty much the apple-of-the-eye right now.

It couldn’t get naiver than this. All I built so far, the reputation, the respect, the brotherhood, I lost it in a flick.

And, hence. Bad hit, lots lost, and time for phoenix to rise again from the ashes.

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And I turned 30..

Dear Diary,

On 25th November’2014, I turned 30. I am happy to have reached the mark. I no more worry about hiding my age. In my 27-29th year, I was getting shy about sharing my age as I felt I’m inching closer to the ‘old-age’. But now, I’m okay. I accept it and take pride in it, just the way I used to before. There are things I haven’t achieved yet, and there are a lot I’m glad I did. I would like to write down the things I’m thankful to God, as of today. I don’t know how Life would be going forward. I hope it is as good and kind towards me, as it has been so far. But, no matter what lies ahead, I would like this post to remain and remind me of how kind God has been to me, for the best part of my life.

1. Fulfilling, caring, dedicated, educated, humble parents, who gave me a lot, to pave the way for me.

2. A very good schooling, full of extra-curricular activities. They have defined me more than my studies. Definitely, the studies and the hard-work has got me so far, but the extra-curriculars give me the edge over others. The communication skills and the comfortability in being able to express my thoughts. It is something that really makes a difference in many areas of your life, personal or professional.

3. Marriage – I think it is the deal-maker/breaker for anyone’s life. If you’re married happily, you can win the world, and if you aren’t, no matter how much you win, you’ll never be happy. Finding Tarun as my husband, and his family as ‘my family’ has been the biggest blessing from God. A friend, an advisor, a complement, in every way. And, his parents, they are nothing like my parents, and I think that is what makes them totally a blessing. Had I not come from one extreme to another extreme, I would have never been able to appreciate the beauty and the positives/negatives of it all. It is hard, many times, and it still is, but the get-aways are far more than the losses. I’ll be more than happy to have this same setup, same thing, same way, in all further lives to come.

4. Career – Lots of turns, lots of upheavals. Nothing made sense when it was happening. And yet, all the pieces have come together so well now, that they never should have seemed wrong. All the bad things that were happening, they are a constant reminder to me on how people are stuck in a bad situation. They should never question their abilities or capabilities. The 4 yrs I spent in my first company, and the honesty with which I was working, and still none of it proved useful, that will always remind me how wrongly stuck I was. If they had not wasted me the way they did, if I had not divided my focus on multiple boats – of work and mba, perhaps I would have never reached the high-point I have. The low point made sure I was never satisfied unless I reached the high-point. I had to change 2 more companies to be here. One of them was as big as it can get and perhaps everyone thought I was a fool to leave it. But, I can’t tell you what a good decision it was.

I’m not yet at the top, but I’m on it’s way. And, I’m peaceful. It is not what defines me, it is not what will kill me if I lost it. It is just an achievement. A testimony to my abilities. And, I’m thankful to God for giving me these moments. If I have to quit it all tomorrow, I’m sure something better will be waiting ahead.

5. Wishes – There are so many of my wishes unfufilled yet. Home, Travel, Position of power, Anay’s education, Anay’s upbringing. They worry me some times. Many a times when I’m low, they haunt me and make me feel like a loser. But, trust me dear, they are just your negative thoughts gnawing at you. You have achieved a lot and you’ll achieve all of these too. It is only a matter of time and patience. How it happens, which way it happens, your way or some other way, things will shape up. So, don’t worry about them. Have faith. And, let things roll by while you enjoy the view. These are the things which should make you understand that ‘the movie is not over yet, my friend’. Life is yet to unfold and it has a few more fireworks to offer to you 🙂 Just wait and watch.

Thank you God!

Smiles,

Hope

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Fast growing kids!

Dear Diary,

I’m on a leave today. Was supposed to attend a wedding, but then Tarun pulled me out of it last minute, owing to my still-ailing, still-weak knee. I’m better but don’t have the strength to stand/walk around all-day. So, here I am, enjoying a peaceful day, with my apple-pie, Anay, with no one else home.

Anay has started talking about girls. Already! He’s 3 yrs and 9 months. The first time he spoke about a girl was on Teacher’s Day. He was barely 3 yrs 6 months then. He said something like ‘Sonika itni pyaari lag rahi thi, itni cute lag rahi thi’ (Sonika was looking so cute and lovely on Teacher’s Day). We were in the car, travelling somewhere, and both me and Tarun were shell-shocked. That was quite an explicit statement to make, coming from the mouth of a 3.5 yr old. Honestly, we were not ready for it. We knew a time will come when our son will have the hormones kicking, and it’ll be lot sooner than our times, coz kids are faster, but….so soon? Bahh! 🙂 I guess I can smile about it and not sweat it, coz that’s a son I am talking about. If that was a daughter, lord save the parents. No matter how open we may call ourselves, we’re inherently not.

Isn’t that too soon? Or, is it something the boys have inherently. He used to like Honey Singh’s videos n all, but I used to believe that’s because enjoy the peppy music. I wanted to believe that it has nothing to do with the skimpy-dressed girls there. But, if there were any misconceptions I was using to save my sanity, they all went for a toss when we went for watching ‘Happy New Year’. Listen to this one, okay!? So, he specifically asks us to go for a movie (he does enjoy movies, generally, so nothing out of place). We were out for MIL’s birthday so watching a movie was not something we were averse to. So, Anay says ‘All my class-fellows have seen this movie. I also got to watch it’. (Another surprise coz he’s in ‘pre-school’ and I can hardly believe that kids get time/whatever to discuss movies watched!!!!) Anyways, we decide it’s a harmless movie for kids, so let’s go. He’s sitting upright on the chair for good part of an hour, watching all of it. We believe that he might be really enjoying the movie. And then comes the item number by Deepika Padukone. (Main lovely ho gayi naam tera padke..). And, boom! He watches it, and comes over to me, asking me to watch it on my mobile. He’s no more interested in the movie at all. He was only and only interested in that song! Now, he won’t sit for the rest of the movie. We had to somehow cajole him into sitting for the rest, and not continue the rattle for the song.

!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!!! $%#@^@#^#^^@%^$@%^#

I mean, seriously!? So early!? Couldn’t I enjoy some more years of childhood innocence? Or, the boys are born with it? Now, I’m not that okay with showing him any of those popular videos that I used to show him, thinking he may learn some dance moves. Coz, I know he’s not interested in the dance moves.

Thankfully, he’s not into only-girls, or girls-as-friends and stuff. I hope that comes in the teens (Plz, God please!!) He enjoys playing with all sorts of them, boys/girls. And I’ll be more careful to not talk/suggest any gender-specific comments. I’m sure somewhere we have been the ones being careless about the kind of videos he’s exposed to. Or, asking him about the girls in his class, or his grand-parents asking if he finds anyone pretty. I really think kids pick a lot of it from our conversations, or the kind of comments we make, and he’s perhaps on the brink of it. I’ll be more careful. That is the only way I can keep his innocence and I really believe it is worth saving, for a little more time, at least.

Phew!

Parenting is hard. And you oughtta learn fast, man! 😛 😀