Dear Diary,

Mera mann nahi lag raha. Ab se nahi, pata nahi kitne dino se nahi lag raha. Bahut mann hai kahin ghoomne chali jaun, the regular escapade. Escaping from the harsh realities of life. But this time, I want to go away for a month somewhere. Anywhere which is less expensive, perhaps allows me to work from there, and then enjoy life silently. I know the arrangements for Anay would be most difficult to manage and it may not be best for Anay, because if I just put him into a day-care or something somewhere and he’s not able to adjust then it leaves a bad memory on the child. I don’t want to do that. But, God knows, I need that getaway. I need it for a long duration. I have been aching for it since a long duration now. I remember even the time when I went for our December trip, I didn’t want to go with the family. I just wanted to go alone.

It’s not like I don’t enjoy their company. It’s not like I hate to see them being happy or anything. I am just not a good company when I’m battling with my own personal demons. And, I know, it’s been long since I’ve been battling them. Yesterday, I read a quote that said ‘Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks are not a sign of weakness. They show that you have been standing strong for too long now.’ It rang so true. I can sense myself going into depression. Tarun is not here these days. Gone to US. Usually, when I’m not in my low period, I would often talk to my MIL, spend easy time with her, take her out shopping, etc. It wasn’t ever so heavy. But now, I mostly do my chores, and just go into my room. I hardly spend time with her. I actually make efforts to reduce my free time with her. And, it’s not because I’ve some grudge against her or I am angry with her for anything, I just don’t feel like keeping/giving company to anyone. I just want to be left alone. And, I’m unhappy alone too.

I feel like talking to someone but I’m tired of talking about the same things with T. And I upset him with all those same stories. I don’t like to talk about these family problems with my Mom because she gets upset too. Also, her solutions don’t seem to work for me. I usually used to discuss them with my colleague but ever since she’s moved, I haven’t been able to meet her and talk. And, talking it all on phone doesn’t seem right somehow.

I called one other friend of mine the other day. That day, I was most tearful. I could hardly contain it within any longer. I never used to share any problems with her as such before but I was still close to her, back in Bangalore. Seeing no other respite, I just called her and I cried my heart out. She listened to me patiently, gave me some solutions, some options that I could do. Of course, that’s what friends do. But, that hasn’t been able to stand for long. I am just in that same state again. Not that teary any more. But, in a low state. I want some change. I just want that change now.

O God, be with me.
-Hope