Dear Diary,

Mera mann nahi lag raha. Ab se nahi, pata nahi kitne dino se nahi lag raha. Bahut mann hai kahin ghoomne chali jaun, the regular escapade. Escaping from the harsh realities of life. But this time, I want to go away for a month somewhere. Anywhere which is less expensive, perhaps allows me to work from there, and then enjoy life silently. I know the arrangements for Anay would be most difficult to manage and it may not be best for Anay, because if I just put him into a day-care or something somewhere and he’s not able to adjust then it leaves a bad memory on the child. I don’t want to do that. But, God knows, I need that getaway. I need it for a long duration. I have been aching for it since a long duration now. I remember even the time when I went for our December trip, I didn’t want to go with the family. I just wanted to go alone.

It’s not like I don’t enjoy their company. It’s not like I hate to see them being happy or anything. I am just not a good company when I’m battling with my own personal demons. And, I know, it’s been long since I’ve been battling them. Yesterday, I read a quote that said ‘Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks are not a sign of weakness. They show that you have been standing strong for too long now.’ It rang so true. I can sense myself going into depression. Tarun is not here these days. Gone to US. Usually, when I’m not in my low period, I would often talk to my MIL, spend easy time with her, take her out shopping, etc. It wasn’t ever so heavy. But now, I mostly do my chores, and just go into my room. I hardly spend time with her. I actually make efforts to reduce my free time with her. And, it’s not because I’ve some grudge against her or I am angry with her for anything, I just don’t feel like keeping/giving company to anyone. I just want to be left alone. And, I’m unhappy alone too.

I feel like talking to someone but I’m tired of talking about the same things with T. And I upset him with all those same stories. I don’t like to talk about these family problems with my Mom because she gets upset too. Also, her solutions don’t seem to work for me. I usually used to discuss them with my colleague but ever since she’s moved, I haven’t been able to meet her and talk. And, talking it all on phone doesn’t seem right somehow.

I called one other friend of mine the other day. That day, I was most tearful. I could hardly contain it within any longer. I never used to share any problems with her as such before but I was still close to her, back in Bangalore. Seeing no other respite, I just called her and I cried my heart out. She listened to me patiently, gave me some solutions, some options that I could do. Of course, that’s what friends do. But, that hasn’t been able to stand for long. I am just in that same state again. Not that teary any more. But, in a low state. I want some change. I just want that change now.

O God, be with me.
-Hope

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6 thoughts on “

  1. Dear Mam .
    You know I am a silent reader of your blog πŸ™‚ .And I have seen you through ups and downs through your diary entries.
    Ups followed by downs and downs followed by up (the emotional ones I mean) . I have been through many of them , and like you I am OK to admit here , because after some point of time, you accept them as phases of your life, you understand they are bound to happen.But nonetheless, these phases are really emotionally draining.And need for someone around is heightened at such times. And not necessarily spouse. Sometimes, even girlfriends help us more in such times.
    But Mam, one thing I β€˜d like to say is – no suggestion is going to work as much as your self- realization.You need your space ,that’s it.Nothing is wrong with your life.When you β€˜ll get your space , the same things will start looking good. You have to leave behind the ifs and buts . Otherwise you β€˜ll eventually be living those ifs and buts if you break down .
    My two cents , start with small changes .They go a long way . If not a month , go for a weekend break once in a month. Not necessarily some remote area ,may be even shopping and eating out with friends.
    Go for an evening or morning walk alone .It is much more useful than it sounds. After a month of starting my evening walk, I was feeling happy and uplifted even though all the things were same around me.Fresh air and pumping heart helps , if its not possible , do some Yoga or meditation in fresh air .They will help immensely.
    Meet friends( I’ll definitely meet you when I am back in March!) Eat out.Take time out for your hobbies.

    A lady like you with so much potential should not be wasting time with emotional dump πŸ™‚ . You have a whole world to conquer , a whole life to live ,and better yet , you are one of the few , who can nail it!!

    1. πŸ™‚ Thanks for taking time out to respond in detail. I agree that small changes and some personal time helps tremendously. But I’ve reached that point where a small getaway doesn’t help for long. It provides a temporary relief. The heart yearns for a perfect world now.
      But, reading your repky definitely uplifted my mood. Reminds me that I can fix things in my life, if I really put my heart to it.. shouldn’t give up. πŸ™‚

  2. And there comes another one I was expecting πŸ™‚ . Your denial that certain thing is going to help you .I was reading another few of comments in your blog and I found some very b’ful suggestions , but with your reply it seems like you have already made up your mind that they won’t work for you .I have another friend in office who always keeps counting her problems and if someone gives her sanest of advice , she ‘d tell how impossible that was to achieve for her or how it was not going to work for her , and she ‘d make her problem sound unsolvable .Result , we just concluded there was no point helping her as the problems had taken a larger than actual proportion in her mind.
    Little changes do help.Small getaways taken again and again ,make enjoyment a part of your mind and life. If you want to make some big change , even doing that abruptly will upset everything.You have to start with small changes aimed for that big one.Which also helps you to test waters before actually plunging into it.

    1. πŸ™‚ well, I am making a tiny step towards it and visiting my mom this weekend. Hope that counts as a step. As for your colleague, I’ll say that she may disagree or refuse your help when you offer but I’m sure she values them and sends a silent thanks yr way, wenever her sanity returns. So, keep offering them anyway. πŸ™‚

  3. Your opening line “Mera mann nahi lag raha” is answered by you “O God, be with me” and then no power can make you or anyone lonely. By God we do not imply a God in physical form but in His manifestations in the beautiful trees, flowers, birds, animals, lakes and hills and music. Also by helping people in distress by giving them a smile.

    Cheers and have a beautiful weekend πŸ™‚

    1. Thanks for taking time out for reading and commenting on my posts. This is a beautiful thought u shared. I also believe in God, the energy, the thing that flows thru us all, rather than an idol or heavenly figure. Hence I also believe that he comes to us in different forms- sometimes as ppl, sometimes through Mother Nature, and sometimes just as a positive thought. That’s why I often pray for Him to just be with me- to make me feel his presence near me, no matter what form or shape.

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