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The Tide of Change

Dear Diary,

Times are changing. Or, perhaps, I’m changing things. All of this is my doing. Am I feeling guilty? No. I know this was Life or Death for me. And, I chose Life. This is what I’ll remember it forever. Now, as my Mom said, ‘whatever happens now, you’ve to make it right. There’s nothing right or wrong. Your future actions will make it right or wrong.’ So, that’s what I’ll do.

We’ve finally started the process of separating from our parents. That is, my in-laws. It has been a very draining time. The time to reach this decision was not easy. It was perhaps the worst time I went through after my marriage. And, it has also proved to me, yet again, that my Dad chose my partner well. Not because he stands with me in all this. But because I respect the way he has dealt this whole situation. The way he has managed to convince his parents, me, himself. I know it must not have been easy for him too. I know confronting his parents or convincing them for this must not have been easy either. Some may call it manipulative. I just call it rationale. And in all this ordeal, he kept his calm. He could think wisely when all of me was totally emotionally, mentally drained.

I will never forget the night when the depression hit peak and the argument we both had. To see such reactions from him, from myself, it was crazy. Thankfully. we survived. Both of us. And, the morning truly brought a new sunshine. He half-heartedly gave me an option and my heart realized that this is exactly what I want. And that was, complete separation from the family.

There have been years of times when I felt like the vamp who’s hell-bent on breaking the family…who cannot be happy with the family’s happiness. She’s so selfish that she just thinks about herself, her needs, her wishes and is ready to forget everyone else for that. And the thought used to make me hate myself. I’m over that. I’ve realized that there is only that much you can control. After a point, you must not control your emotions, your feelings, your wishes. Because doing that is also harmful for the complete family. I saw my outbursts. I saw depressions overpowering me so much that nothing seemed to cheer me up. I didn’t feel like going out, I didn’t feel like eating out, I didn’t feel like going for movies – things that I always used to love and enjoy. No matter how bad I was feeling, these things always cheered me up. But now, I wouldn’t even try to go for all that. No amount of talking helped. No matter who said what, nothing helped. By God’s grace, I understood it was nothing else but depression. And, thankfully, I seeked help.

Now, once my heart has what it wants, my mind, my body, my soul are working to get it done. They are working towards the future of the family. The complete family. And, I have my God’s sign that this is the right thing to do. That it is the right path I chose. This is His choice too.

Things are not done yet. It still is in that place where it all can fall apart and I may be back to the same state I was days ago. I’m praying, every day, every minute, that this works. We’re able to pull this through and we’re able to get their blessings too for this. I pray to God to give them the strength and peace to sail through it. To believe that this is for their child’s health and happiness and it can only be successful when they are happy too.

Please God, be with me. Help me.


Posted in Uncategorized

On so many things

Dear Diary,

A box full of Pandora’s thoughts:

On an alternate world: The society is built in this way that the girl leaves her house and comes to the boy’s house to live with his Mother and others. Why everyone else is part of ‘others’? I think the only crucial factor that determine a woman’s successful inclusion into the family is if the two/many ladies of the house are able to adjust to each other. If that happens, everything else falls into place.
So, my idea is that rather than living with the son’s parents, how about if the couple lived with the girl’s parents. I mean, I’ve seen the boys more open and comfortable accommodating the girl’s family if his parents are not living with them. We find the girl more taken care of, more at peace, plus the children get at least one set of grandparents to enjoy with. And, the best part is that girl’s parents never intrude too much into the couple’s decisions. Despite the fact that the mothers all over the world have similar attitude problems, a girl is able to cope with it better when it is ‘her own’ mom than anyone else. Perhaps, we girls are more selfish these days, or whatever. If all the girls did this, all the parents are taken care of, and all the society has less of saas-bahu problems too. Whatsay!?

On infidelity: When I was in college, getting attracted to new people once a month (or perhaps even quicker), was normal. You’re in the phase where you’re waiting to meet that special someone. You meet new people and your mind starts thinking that is he/she the ‘one’? Very normal. This was part of our lives, our routines, our living. Even then, I often wondered that how does all this stop after marriage. Is there a switch which goes off and you no more feel attracted to the opposite gender? Do the hormones stop working because you got old? Well, that would be quite a disappointment.
Now, I’m married, happily at that. As happy as it can get in the real world. Has the attractions stopped? No. The heart still flutters or enjoys the attention given by the opposite gender. What changed? Well, one, you’re no more looking. Well, that’s subject to each individual too.
I think what really changes it that you evaluate that "is it worth screwing all that up"? The bond you created with your spouse, the family you’re making, the house you’re nurturing, is this small flint worth giving all that up!? And till the time the answer is no, you’re happily married. Meaning?
1. You’ve to ensure that your marriage remains worthy for both of you, with each passing year.
2. Infidelity is all about your values, and whether you’re willing to work to sustain the relationship. Every relationship needs time and efforts. It depends on you ‘which’ relationship you chose to work for.
3. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or woman. The lust, the pull, the excitement of chase, of attention is equal for both husband and wife. If you can fall trap to it, so can your better half. So, be prepared to hear all the excuses you were thinking of giving.

On feminism: The social media is full of articles on what feminism means, on what the world should be like for women, on how men should behave with women, on what women rights are. And it is equally full of news articles of women being raped, of domestic violence, of wives being killed because of disputes, of CCTV cameras peeping into trial rooms. I feel the world is clearly divided into two parts – the real and the fictional. Each woman belongs to the fiction world of reading about the stories, till the time she becomes a prey and lands into the real world.
I don’t know what can be done to make the fictional world more real and make the current real world history. But, I do understand that the thought process needs to start. Is the thought process required only for men? Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I think, since time eternal, it has been the women ruling the world and causing/fixing problems. The men have been at the forefront because women chose so. So, it’ll have to be women causing/fixing this problem too.
How do I feel I’m part of the problem?
…to be contd….