Posted in Uncategorized

The Tide of Change

Dear Diary,

Times are changing. Or, perhaps, I’m changing things. All of this is my doing. Am I feeling guilty? No. I know this was Life or Death for me. And, I chose Life. This is what I’ll remember it forever. Now, as my Mom said, ‘whatever happens now, you’ve to make it right. There’s nothing right or wrong. Your future actions will make it right or wrong.’ So, that’s what I’ll do.

We’ve finally started the process of separating from our parents. That is, my in-laws. It has been a very draining time. The time to reach this decision was not easy. It was perhaps the worst time I went through after my marriage. And, it has also proved to me, yet again, that my Dad chose my partner well. Not because he stands with me in all this. But because I respect the way he has dealt this whole situation. The way he has managed to convince his parents, me, himself. I know it must not have been easy for him too. I know confronting his parents or convincing them for this must not have been easy either. Some may call it manipulative. I just call it rationale. And in all this ordeal, he kept his calm. He could think wisely when all of me was totally emotionally, mentally drained.

I will never forget the night when the depression hit peak and the argument we both had. To see such reactions from him, from myself, it was crazy. Thankfully. we survived. Both of us. And, the morning truly brought a new sunshine. He half-heartedly gave me an option and my heart realized that this is exactly what I want. And that was, complete separation from the family.

There have been years of times when I felt like the vamp who’s hell-bent on breaking the family…who cannot be happy with the family’s happiness. She’s so selfish that she just thinks about herself, her needs, her wishes and is ready to forget everyone else for that. And the thought used to make me hate myself. I’m over that. I’ve realized that there is only that much you can control. After a point, you must not control your emotions, your feelings, your wishes. Because doing that is also harmful for the complete family. I saw my outbursts. I saw depressions overpowering me so much that nothing seemed to cheer me up. I didn’t feel like going out, I didn’t feel like eating out, I didn’t feel like going for movies – things that I always used to love and enjoy. No matter how bad I was feeling, these things always cheered me up. But now, I wouldn’t even try to go for all that. No amount of talking helped. No matter who said what, nothing helped. By God’s grace, I understood it was nothing else but depression. And, thankfully, I seeked help.

Now, once my heart has what it wants, my mind, my body, my soul are working to get it done. They are working towards the future of the family. The complete family. And, I have my God’s sign that this is the right thing to do. That it is the right path I chose. This is His choice too.

Things are not done yet. It still is in that place where it all can fall apart and I may be back to the same state I was days ago. I’m praying, every day, every minute, that this works. We’re able to pull this through and we’re able to get their blessings too for this. I pray to God to give them the strength and peace to sail through it. To believe that this is for their child’s health and happiness and it can only be successful when they are happy too.

Please God, be with me. Help me.

-Hope

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