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Shrinking limits, procrastination and ambitions

Dear Diary,

A lot going on my mind.

I just returned from a full day break, filled with procrastination. I was meant to mind Anay. It is so easy to baby-sit children if you don’t want to make the day constructive. Videos, cartoons, sleep, park. The times when I actually make it count, I paint, I work with him, I play, I cook for him. I’m drained in couple of hours. Since yesterday was unplanned, and I wasn’t in the mood for all that, I let him watch TV/videos on my mobile. I let him to while the day away just as I did by reading my novel online. I feel guilty and a bad mom. I wonder how parents can be responsible all the time.

But, I know that each one of us needs a break from the monotony. And it can get particularly hard when you have a toddler full of energy and no interest in staying put. Well, no matter what, I know I adore my bundle of joy. I sometimes feel I’m the biggest snob in the world. I keep talking about things that should be done, should be taken care of while growing up a child. Yet, when time comes for action, I find the whole task boring. Actually, it needs a lot of patience. And, I need it all planned. Kind of an AI list that I have to go through. When I plan my day and the activities that I wish to do with Anay, I go about doing them. I don’t get distracted or bored. It’s a task that has to be done. But, leave me alone with him, with no agenda, and I feel lost and bored. I can’t sit and ‘watch’ him play. I mean, I enjoy just watching his pure emotions, his happiness. But, that’s not the only emotion a child goes through. There is a lot of crying, whining and complaints and questions involved. And, no interest in doing the same thing again. No interest in learning how to do a thing. Just an interest in doing it whatever way comes to their mind at that time. 😛 I know ! I know, that’s what they are meant to do at this time. But, I don’t feel particularly motherly affection when he’s upto all that. I just want him to do what he wants to do, while I do mine. Phew! I guess that’s what I did yesterday.

We went for a long week to our folks place. It was Dushehra and then Anay had his school off. With Tarun joining his Dad’s business, he anyhow has to travel there every day, so we decided it was better if I commuted from there for a couple of days. It also gave our parents some time together. I feel sad seeing that they miss Anay, the hustle-bustle of our being there so much. Anay misses them equally. But, a week there, and I know that my reasons for moving out were right. And, whatever is, is good. It definitely is difficult for parents but I think it’s better to cause small amount of pain while living separate, than live with animosity, hurt, and constant anguish, while living together. It is particularly difficult for them because they don’t know the reasons for our moving out. Tarun never told them and he doesn’t want me to tell them either. My MIL has brought up the subject many times, trying to wheedle out the information from me, I feel sad that I cannot give her any solace. But, I do understand that no matter what reason I give, they are going to cause further pain, and will remain etched in her memory forever. So, I guess, it’s better to just give it time and let them adjust to the situation.

I fear the time when we’ll have to move back. We can’t live in a rental place forever. Till then, let me enjoy the peace and the happiness.


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