Of Power

Dear Diary,

It is a beautiful phase in life. Changes are subtle and not upsetting/uprooting as they have been in all these past years. Life is routine and yet eventful. A lot of learning going on. Mostly internal.

In the past few weeks, I had been very distracted. With T getting busy with his office, his Saturdays now working, and his Sundays spent in dealing with pending tasks, Anay and catching up on his thoughts, we had hardly had any peace time. We were talking, we were around each other, under the same roof, and yet in completely different worlds.

Life has a way of separating two people, time and again. If you really want to have a close relationship with someone, till the end of life, then you need to continuously invest time and energy in it. Pretty much like food and air. All through your life.

So, when my birthday and anniversary arrived, it was finally the time when I came back into T’s radar. And, Lord, had I missed the attention. I never realized how much accustomed and habitual I had become of his time. I also realized that I’m a mean-dirty-woman, just as they say, because I felt extremely delighted by the expensive gift he bought me. I got a new phone. I did need a new phone. But, I know, I wouldn’t have been pleased had it been of a lesser value than my previous phone (which was pricey too). Money does buy the happiness these days. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

On my birthday, the first time, we both acknowledged that we indeed had lot of money in our hands and we’re deprived of it now. But, we also vowed that once we’re back to that same stage again, we’ll not stop ourselves from spending it all. 🙂 We will do all that we wanted to. Spend on all the luxuries and fantasies. The travel, the home decor, all that we have wanted to do, we could have done but somehow never did. So, all in all, a very positive result.

Entrepreneurship is tricky. It takes a toll on all your life. While both of us were mentally prepared for it, none of us could have been ready for the changes it brought about. Finances were turbulent previously but things are coming to a comfortable position again. While I haven’t lost faith in my husband’s capabilities, I’ve come to accept that this may be our in-hand salary (which is totally mine right now) for all our lives. So, if my expenses have to go up then it simply means, that my salary has to go up. And, it’s not that difficult to manage. So far.

And surprisingly, that is a very powerful place to be in. I have no issues being the sole earner of the family. I’m all up for the challenge. Rather, I want to grow more and more in my career. I cannot be just the woman behind the successful man. I want to be the successful woman together with a successful man. So, the vision has changed from a ‘Fortune Most Powerful Woman’ to ‘Fortune Power Couple’.

When I think of my path to that dream, I know I’m nowhere near. I’m not even on the path. But, I know the path to it. I can see it happening. I’m not in a hurry for it but I want to make my first step towards it. There are lot of things which make me think that I must stop. That it is not the right time for it. Perhaps, I should wait for T to get comfortable. Maybe wait for Anay to get a little older so that he can manage himself. But, in all this, I know I’m just stalling the inevitable. There’s nothing that is stopping me but myself. And, there is nothing that can, if I decide.

The more I realize the power of a woman, the more I shine. Actually, the more I realize the power of my soul, I realize – ‘ I don’t want to be a woman. I don’t want to become a man either. I just want to be me!’

No expectations, no boundaries, no preset definitions of what I can do and what I can’t. I want to challenge myself, strive for the sun and then see if I achieve or I fail. I don’t want anything else to define my limits.

Let the light of the soul shine!

Love,

Hope.

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