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Confused me!

Dear Diary,

Times are difficult, yet again. As they keep going up n down. Right now, I find myself in emotional upheaval, adjusting to changing environments where “I” have to accept the changes. For once, I didn’t change, things around me have changed. Work, Husband. (No, my husband hasn’t changed to someone new, that is same! Hah!)

If I look back at my times at Calypto, they have been the best years of my professional career. I don’t think I ever enjoyed my work and the freedom to work, to create, more, anywhere else than here. Now, Calypto has changed to Mentor. And, while our work remains same, our peers, our managers remain same, everything’s changed.

The free environment, the do-it-than-bear-it attitude that we used to share, freedom-of-speech in the real sense – All seems to be fading. While we’re not stopped from going ahead and talking to anyone at top, the change it used to bring about, has vanished. Now, we’re just heard and the idea tossed into the garbage bin, just like big MNCs. Previously, if we made a point, it was not just heard, it was executed and each one involved was rewarded/appreciated for the same. Now, the managers give you the bureaucratic nods. With a start-up, you walk up to people and get things done. Now, for everything, you ‘mail’. Yes Yes! I always knew this. I have worked in MNCs all my life so I should be used to this, but it seems, the 2.5 yrs or bliss and freedom spoiled me. Now, these things irritate me.

I don’t know if changing job is the answer to it. EDA is a niche industry and options are pretty limited. Let’s see what’s in store. But, I would give it 1 more year to play itself out or else, I make my move. However hard it may be.

Just as it used to be prior to Calypto, in all my prior companies, whenever I used to feel the dissatisfaction from my workplace, I used to dream of MBA, that’s where my mind keeps running to, Again! And each time, I go ahead and surf some of the sites – the regular – ISB, GMAT etc. and after an hour-2 hrs window, I realize these are all waste of times. These are different paths which have perhaps lost their value for me. Now, investing an yr, shit-loads of money, starting from the bottom of the pyramid, and trying hands at something totally different, like Marketing or Sales, would be dreamy and foolish for me. The charm it has, is perhaps grass seeming greener at the other side. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy my work in EDA, in PV. I can see myself growing up in the ladder too. The only reason I want to quit it because I see others earning much much more than me. Because having been brought up in Delhi, our generation has been fed and bred on ambitions and goals.  We perceive success only if we have a matching percentile/score of a big competition to show up with. We find meaning to our lives only when we are burning the night oil.

And, that is such Bull Shit!

At 31, if I have understood anything about life, it is this. All these degrees are nothing but market’s way of bleeding more money out of you. You need to be educated but education only takes you as far as the entry gate of your career. Whatever you may chose. Which college’s degree you hold will definitely change the type of carpet that is rolled out for you, and I will definitely regret not having attended an A-grade college. But, after that, it is another battle. No IIT or ISB or Stanford or Harvard can make you enjoy the work that you would do, IF your heart and mind don’t enjoy it.

Ahh! But another thing that I have learned at 31 – Money does buy most of our happiness. So, if you’ve the degree from IIT/ISB/Harvard/Stanford, chances are no matter how stressful or boring your job is, you can crib about it in style!

So, in effect, Life sucks for now!


2 thoughts on “Confused me!

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