Well, the last post was all about how fucked up my career is for now. In a way it does summarize itself for me – A bird in hand is better than two in the bushes. Only if I am able to make peace with this.
Now, coming to the family front. Well, life is as hell-ish as can be at that end. With Tarun’s entrepreneurial work soaring up high, he’s all immersed in it. I knew he would get busy. I knew I’ll have to manage house work myself. I knew it’ll be tough with a 4.5 yr old child and a budding Management job at work. But, I was feeling ready for the challenge.
What I wasn’t prepared for – the non-appreciation, the missing recognition, the missing inspiration, passion, etc etc
I try to manage Anay and his school and his growth. School’s circulars, things to be sent, class competitions to be prepared, daycare stuff, weekend homeworks, list is endless.
With Delhi’s pollution going to it’s peak and showing us exactly how bad conditions we’re living in, my son’s cough is just not passing. He coughs horribly all night. He’s unable to sleep peacefully and in effect, neither are we. He has been on anti-biotics, cough syrups and what not, since past 2 weeks now, with no signs of cough reducing. Thankfully, his daycare aunt gave me something to give him (some home-made syrup of tulsi, etc) that has given us last night’s peaceful sleep. Otherwise, I was in tears. He’s a picky eater. He brings back most of his lunch back. Despite my mentioning to Tarun regularly since past 1 month, that he doesn’t eat his lunch in school properly, this person won’t accept that there’s a real problem that we’re unable to fix. I have tried putting everything that Anay likes, but he won’t eat and finish. The emotional heartbreak when you see your child’s lunch almost full, in evening, I can’t explain. Then comes the frustration that you woke up at 6 AM in this freaking cold, when you didn’t get a proper sleep at night, thanks to the coughing. I don’t know what to do. I cannot bring myself to scold Anay for it because I feel somewhere it is my mistake that I’m unable to gauge his tastes/dislikes. He’s after all a child who perhaps doesn’t understand himself on what he wants. (Though he very clearly explains it when it comes to getting a new toy! But never mind!) Parenting gets tough.
Now, the problem is that these are real-life problems. All parents face it. Nothing unusual. What pisses me. What pisses me!? You may ask.
What pisses me is that while Tarun was busy working away in his office and I was busy getting the stuff done, he comes back for review. He would not be able to participate in the activity, the hard work, but he always has opinions, thoughts, improvisations on work done. On what else I could have done. How I could have done it better.
If Anay wasn’t a full-time activity in himself, I also manage the house. And, he has minimum involvement in keeping the house. Minimal pretty much means Zero! But, still he has opinions on how I keep the house. On how I could try to keep the fridge cleaner. I should have checked on the veggies lying. I could try to not hang clothes that way or there. I should try to at least get the bed cleared before he arrives. Go Screw Yourself! I swear to God, that is my limit.
I don’t want a ‘Thank You’ every other minute but a general realization of the fact won’t harm. He gauges it just by the fact that every minute he spends in the house, he tries to help and be involved. Whether it is by keeping Anay company, getting Anay ready in the morning (which is predominantly done by him because I’m busy in the kitchen). And even then, I join in as soon as I’m done preparing Anay’s lunch.
I mean I understand you’re busy and you’re doing full to your capacity but I’m doing it too. Your work doesn’t and shouldn’t undermine mine!
And, if that wasn’t enough, there comes his male ego. Oh dear Lord, keep my anger in check. Which century are we living in!? I have a team of 17 people in my company and there are only 2 girls in it, including me. This is a general sense for all girls working as engineers. We all have studied in co-ed colleges. We all have interacted with both genders. Perhaps more with men because there were just more of them around us! And so, if I need help, if I talk, I talk to men. He has some issues with my interactions with them. While he cannot control how much I interact with them in office, he tries and curbs any interaction outside it. So now, when I travel alone, and I decided to car pool with another team mate of mine (obviously a guy, 16 guys remember!) so he wants I should rather take the bus going to the office than go in a car. He won’t say it outrightly, but give you outrageous, obnoxious reasons.
He’s working late at office today. He’ll be late. Anay is gone to his Amma’s place. My cook’s on leave. My office has a dinner outing (complete office) but I can’t go because it is late in night. I suggest if he could pick me from the venue on his way back home. The venue is not some eery place out of nowhere. It is a mall, a centrally located one, that we have frequented often. So, no new place either. But, the answer is flat No.
Cut the flak! I feel I’ll reach the point soon where I break my rule of ‘no lies’ in between us. With him becoming a business man, he’s forgetting the ways of service class soon and quick, and quite conveniently, and if it continues, I’ll have no choice but to keep some things unspoken/unshared. Something that makes me feel like stepping away. But, if I continue to share, it’ll cause a rift that would be hard to fix. And, something I can’t afford.
Am I choosing the convenient way out of the problem? Am I being the immoral wife who lies to her husband and enjoys in the company of other men!? I think I could easily have been the wife of a partner who’s as much a part of her social circles as she is, and we could have progressed harmoniously, -but- he chooses to be such an ancient, stone-age ass!
Mental Note: Better write the post on ‘Love after Marriage’ soon, before the love dies out and there’s nothing to share any longer.