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On modern-day marriages and divorce

Dear Diary,


I recently read a post which was on Divorce. On when a woman should walk out of her marriage. On how she was suffering from domestic violence and harassment. Such posts and stories are not uncommon. Rather, rampant, I may add. Mostly, they give you the picture of a capable woman who’s being mistreated.


I’m no judge for a woman’s decision on continuing with her marriage or opting for divorce. But, I feel ‘divorce’ is a word thrown around quite casually in urban world. Reading such posts, reading about women walking out of their husband’s houses because they were being mistreated, a lot of women connect to it. Should they? That’s what I want to talk about here.


I retrospect on my own marriage. It’s been 6 yrs now. It’s now that I sit in a home that I truly call my own. For 5 yrs I was living in a house that I was ‘trying’ to make my home. It was a joint setup but my in-laws were pretty adjusting. They understood that I came from a different family and I’m not used to their ways and they tried to help me adjust to their ways. This means that not adjusting was not an option. They could give me time and understanding but not accepting their ways, wasn’t an option. If I write on, this post would start to look like another of those ‘mistreated women’ post. I’m here to give another perspective. The perspective of adjustment in marriage.


For those 5 yrs I was in a space where I wasn’t comfortable. There were incidents which made me feel like this is not the right thing to do OR that I’m being mistreated OR they are trying to use me OR my parents are not been given the respect they should be given etc etc. In all these times, I would sulk, cry, be unhappy. I would contemplate divorce. Think about running away and start a new life. Trust me, life away from these relatives, rituals which made no sense, these obligations of being the perfect bahu to a perfect family, it was really dreamy and quite enticing. It may sound unbelievable, but yes, Divorce was charming!


Being a modern, independent woman, you would never find yourself incapable of leading a life alone. Setting up a house? You have the money. You’re earning. In-laws will try to force you to come back? The law is with you and will protect you. Parents will try to force you to return? Well, they are not living in this hell-hole, are they! Neither are they doing anything about your miseries. Right?! So, you’ll deal with it. Your child? The law protects you and will most likely give you the custody of the child (almost 99%)

So, all in all, getting out of the clutches of marriage is not difficult. But, is it really what you want?


I have a friend who had been living separately from her husband. She has a 14-yr old son and she separated when her son was merely 7-month old. She was heavily dependent on her own parents. She had been non-working when she separated but found herself a job. She left her son with her mother to go and earn a living for both of them. She had to move to Bangalore for her job when her son was 2 yrs and that was toughest. She moved back as quick as she could. Then, she found somebody at work. He really liked her and wanted to marry her despite knowing that she has a son. They tried. But, his parents never agreed. They didn’t want a divorced/married woman to be married to their son. As expected. She never married again. As friends, we often told her to think about re-marrying but she always let it pass. She understood that finding a partner for herself also meant finding a father for her son and that was not easy.


Life alone is not fun. Tough, on the contrary, mostly. We may think we’ll find someone again. But, it’s not given for sure.


I don’t say that it should be a reason to stick to your marriage but think if your problems are really that big? Or, are these just adjustment issues which can be fixed. Making a home, a family is not easy. It needs a lot of compassion and sacrifice by each person. Never let go of your self-respect. Never take violence as acceptable. But, other than that, try to find the reason you got into the alliance. Try to find the reason why you want to stick to it. And, if you have that reason, fight hard for it. Because when this bad phase will pass, the achievement you feel at building your life, at building your life the way you wanted, it will be great. Nothing beautiful or precious in life comes for free. It needs hard work and toil. If you’re really an independent and strong woman who can survive alone, fight for your marriage and home first. Make it worth coming back home, after a long day at work.

Why? Because you’re worth it! You deserve to have that dream home, with your perfect family. But to get that, you need to work for it. Fight for it. Before you look towards the escape plan that is divorce, look for the resolution to your problems within your marriage. Why? Again, because you’re worth it.


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