Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Uncategorized

Is it time to hang up my boots?

Dear Diary,

Every evening, when I return from office, I think if I should just accept that I can’t handle it all anymore and I need to accept my priorities. My son is, must be, has to be, my top priority. And, if it requires me to quit my job to give him the best, I should do that. I shouldn’t hesitate. And yet, every morning when I wake up, I look forward to my day. I look forward to going to my work place. I yearn to go to my office. I miss not going there. I relish the work I do. I revere in the glory of importance that I get there. A feeling of achievement. A satisfaction of doing something worthwhile.

I don’t know what to do.

I recently went through a traumatic experience in my life, as a Mother. My son got infected with a rare and dangerous virus. A viral infection, in common language. But, what he went through, and what we went through in the process, is far from a regular viral infection.

I had taken a leave to take care of him because he seemed down with fever and bad stomach. I expected regular dosage to help him (that we had been giving him in previous times). And suddenly, he started shivering. A minute ago, he was talking to me, had just returned from restroom, after relieving himself, and the next minute he says “I’m feeling cold. Please put blanket on me.” I check his fever. It seems normal. Nothing like spiking. I had given him the medicine just a little while ago. I call out to my husband who had gone out to bring ORS solution for him. He rushes in. And, suddenly, the vomitting and water-stools begin. What was a 1-2 times an hour thing turned into 10-12 times in an hour. I tell Tarun to rush him to emergency. Tarun feels he’s just getting dehydrated and we should keep feeding him ORS solution. He expects he’ll get fine. But, he doesn’t. Within 20 mins, we’re rushing to the Emergency. The situation worsens a lot more. One hospital refers us to another, bigger hospital with a PICU. The bigger hospital doctor tells me he needs to be put on Ventilator. His situation is critical. The infection may have reached his brain because of which his brain is not responding.

That was unexplicable. Totally non-understandable. Yes, my son was in a bad situation and he needed help. But, ventilator? Doctor explains that it’s required and urgently required before the situation worsens and it becomes difficult to help the child.

The next 4 days were days of utter tension, anxiety, guilt, gathering contacts to get reference to the doctors, and what not.

Now, my son is back home. I’ve visited 2 more doctors for second and third opinion to understand exactly if a ventilator was required. If the treatment given to him was correct. What can I do to avoid this episode again? Is it because I didn’t take care of my child well?

For everything, the answer is whatever was done was done correct. We took him at the right time otherwise things could have gone ugly. And, there are some rare viruses which do infect and they can be fatal. And, that we should be extremely grateful to God that it left no traces behind on his brain. Neither the virus nor the medicines.

There are days when I can’t avoid reliving the experience. The scenes of me walking in that empty corridor chanting ‘Hanuman Chalisa’, with barely open eyes, almost ready to fall, they keep coming back to me. There are moments when I’m at work and it all comes back to me, and I feel like running back to my son. To touch him and feel that he’s fine.

Now, as per the world, I should just forget it as a bad dream. There’s nothing that I can do about it. But, I need to.

I have decided not to send my child to the daycare anymore. And, for doing that, I have three options. –

  1. Start living with my in-laws, or move to the same society as they are so that they can pick him up and keep him till I return.
  2. Pick Anay from school at 12.00 and go back to home with him. Work morning hours in office and rest of hours from home.
  3. Quit job completely and take care of him.

After facing so much troubles, going to so much length in moving out from my in-laws house, that is not an option I want to explore. Rather than being the easiest option to provide home for Anay and continue with my job, it is not an option I can mentally survive.

Being in manager role, I need to be around in office to do justice to my role. No matter how responsible a team you create, a physical presence makes things smooth. I know this for a fact. Picking Anay at 12.00 means hardly being available in office. I’m not even sure if that’s an option my Manager or my company would allow me.

Quit my job: This is the dangerous option I’m contemplating too much. Tarun says I should try this. Being brought up by a working Mom, I know this option would never be liked by my parents. And also, myself, I would feel incomplete somehow.

Maybe it’s just fear of the unknown. Maybe if I tried quitting and tried my hands at other things, I would succeed there too. I often used to wonder at these big actresses like Karishma Kapoor, Kajol, who quit their careers at their prime. They were at the peak when they left it all. I wondered why they would do that. I stand at the same cross-roads now. And I need to see if I’m worth anything or worth nothing.

Dear God, please show me the way. Help me.

-Hope

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Posted in Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, Society

Of lessons

Dear Diary,

Life is rolling and I find myself humbled and a tiny-bit wiser with each passing day. During this whole journey as an entrepreneur’s wife, I went through lot of new experiences. Personal, professional, as an individual, as a home-maker.

Lesson 1: Just because someone brought a bad experience to your life, doesn’t make the person bad.

I’ve always believed that all things that happen to us, good or bad, are meant to happen. They’re meant to happen to make us learn some important lesson. If you’ve read ‘Many Lives Many Masters’ by Brian Weiss, you would be able to relate the concept. The concept is that we keep coming back to this world to learn lessons. These lessons make our souls grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and bring us (our souls) closer to the Pure One, the source of all our souls (or the energy source, whatever you may call it).

If you completely believe this hypothesis, as an axiom, it means, the people bringing that experience to you are just mere messengers.
e.g. There are times you’re struck in a difficult situation, or some sort of life-death experience, and someone stranger/unexpected comes from somewhere and helps you get out of it. You feel like the person was God-sent to save you.

If you agree with this, as I do, you’ll have to agree with the vice versa too. Which means that this holds true for the opposite experiences too. That is, when something bad happens to us, that is also done by God to make us learn from the experience. We often associate the person bringing that bad experience as bad. We hold that person as our enemy whom whenever we meet/encounter/are reminded of, brings bad memories to us. We start to wish ill for the person. Sometimes, even going so far as planning revenge against the person.

Why?

If the good experiences are God-sent, why can’t we accept that bad experiences/phases are God sent too!? The learning was meant to happen. It played out in a certain way in your life and God needed some pawns (people) to execute it in your life’s play. Those are only pawns. Mere players.

It’s same as like in old times, it was a rule not to harm/hold prisoner the messenger bringing bad news/news of war to kings. Because, the messenger is merely doing his duty to his Master, of bringing the news. He’s not responsible for the news or what follows!

By accepting this, I let go of my bad thoughts that I held against so many people.

Lesson 2: You can play a role in your partner’s life, you cannot live their life

What is love? For as long as I remember, it has been a crucial question that I’ve tried to solve for myself. Is it the actions we do while we’re in love? Is it the emotions we feel while we’re in a relationship? How does it all connect in terms of the other person?

Ever since I got married, I had consciously tried to stop thinking about ‘love’. Whatever I feel for my husband is love for me. The care, the sacrifices we do in our regular lives, is what I think is love. I’ve also found out that love is not equal to lust. And they are two totally different emotions.

In the name of love, we often try to maneuver the life and decisions of our loved ones. Because of our insecurities, troubles, or selfish reasons, we try to make them do things that are not really their choices, but ours. We think we’re trying to save them from future trouble. But, in reality, no one knows the future. What you do today, how it’ll shape-up tomorrow, no one knows. Sometimes, even the most trusted and well-tested methods fail because, as they say ‘Everyone makes their tea, their own way’. So, each has a unique way of doing the same thing which thus, may end up in a different result.

So, instead of trying to overthink things. Instead of trying to put your decisions/thoughts on them, even if you think loved-one is going wrong, let them go ahead with it. You can always give them your opinion but you should be open and ready to accept if they don’t follow your judgement.

In worst case, they’ll be proven wrong and you’ll be proven right, and you both would have to bear the failure, but would it be that bad?! Is it the end of life and the world? No, right! So, give them this space. And, let them make their own mistakes because it is their life. And, this will be your sacrifice for your love. To stand by them even when they commit the mistakes you knew was a mistake all along. Because, love is not something that fades or happens once. It’s something to be executed. To be upheld as of prime importance. Even beyond and above the mistakes.

Lesson 3: Dreams do have a dead-line

To be continued.