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Of roads less travelled

Dear Diary,

"jaane kya dhoondhta hai yeh mera dil, tujhko kya chahiye zindagi"

This seems to be the question of my life these days. This time shifting turned out to be a milestone in our lives. I’ve shifted quite a few times after my marriage, in these last 6.5 yrs. In all these times, it never seemed arduous.

For the first time in our lives, I and Tarun have come to a point where we want to settle. We want a nest that we can call ‘home’. We always thought of doing things a certain way in our home but we never did that in Indirapuram, despite it being our home. There was always a thought that we would move out eventually so what’s the point. Now, we’re in my Mom’s house and it’s as close to our own home, as can be. The feeling is ‘this close and yet so far’.

This new place is quite close to our workplaces. Both of us work in different companies now but the workplaces are barely 10-20 mins drive away. And the day-timings or traffic conditions don’t change this travel-time. But, this is still quite an underdeveloped area. For everything, you need to take your car out. And, I didn’t know how frustrating this can be. As the person responsible for managing household, the frustrating part all gets down on me. Now, for everything I’ve to bother Tarun and as an independent woman, this is a very annoying practice. It’s not a habit I intend to adopt. So, let’s see.

Ever since I returned from US trip this February, something has changed for me. I’m not sure what exactly it is. I can’t pin point. It seems like a passion-switch got switched off. So, all the bright enthusiasm I used to feel for my work, it seems to have trickled down somehow. I want to believe it’s a phase but it doesn’t seem to pass. Now, job is just job.

As I try to focus more on my home and Anay, there are quite a few times when I wonder if I should actually try and quit it all. Many times the reservations we have against any idea, it is mostly because we have a heavily-prejudiced sense of normalcy. What any one of us considers ‘normal’ is mostly defined by what we grew up seeing each day. So, for women like me who grew up watching a working-mom, being working mom is normal. Now, when I see Tarun’s mom, his sisters, I see them content with being a home-maker. And I wonder why I can’t be content with just that. Why do I have this urge to make a career, keep this identity for myself. Would it be that bad if I ended my life as just being Anay’s Mom, or Tarun’s wife?

The only answer I have is ‘What if you indeed regret it later’

And with that thought, I stop. I carry on with my life till I have a definite answer which tells me which road I want to take – the road frequently taken, or the road less traveled.

-Hope

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