Dreams and Depression

Dear Diary,

I’m a city-girl. I’ve lived and loved the city for as long as I remember. Even when I visited my relatives (who lived in a town, instead of a city. Not really a village, so to speak), I enjoyed it only for a couple days, and that too for the yummy food and complete freedom to watch TV. I don’t remember being drawn to the farmlands or the … anything else that maybe coming with it. Village/farms always depicted mosquitoes, open poops and blatant stares from mensfolk to me.

I see that changing now. I feel growing distant from the city-life now. From the madness, all time rush. From the pollution and the diseases. From the running and the show-off. From the fake faces and the pretended relationships. I feel caged in this life..in the routine that I’ve created for myself. Tarun says we should accept it. It’s time to accept that this is the life we have created and we should work on it to improve it. We should stop wandering.

I’m not yet ready to settle, I guess.

I don’t want to accept this as my final. This as my life for eternity. If this is all, what’s the point of living the life anymore. Life is to be explored. Do something unique. I need something to look forward to.

2016 has been tough on me. There have been so many happenings which have shaken my philosophy of life that it is all about ambitions and enjoying yourself. It has shown me that life is about cherishing your loved-ones too. It’s a responsibility you need to carry. With every person you get attached to, or you attach to yourself, you need to take care of him/her. And that is a huge responsibility. Just to love is not enough. You must love enough to care and sacrifice too. In health and in illness. In the crests and the lows.

As I try to manage both work and family, I realize I’m constantly choosing work over family. Sometimes, it is a choice I want to make. Sometimes it’s a choice that people around me force on me. Whatever maybe the reason, this is the choice I’m living. And hence it is ‘my choice’. Tarun says I should not be so hard on myself. We’re doing everything in our capacity to give our best to Anay. But, unless we give him a sound health when he grows up, I don’t think anything less is acceptable. No matter how much quality time we spend with him, no matter how many nights we cry ourselves to sleep over his health, no matter how much we spend on taking care of his needs – if in the end, if he’s not healthy, it all goes to waste. And, unless I give him that, I won’t be able to forgive myself. And, I’ll hold myself guilty. No matter who says what.

And a life away from this city-rush is what I dream to give him. A home with a backyard garden. A clean air to breathe. A respectable humble family who loves him and for whom he means the world.

I see this going somewhere. I see my heart and mind seeing a solution to this. But, is it a solution Tarun wants? Perhaps not. Perhaps yes.

Reminds me of a dialogue from a Hindi movie – this has become my feeling these days –
“Main udna chahta hoon, daudna chahta hoon, girna bhi chahta hoon … bus rukna nahi chahta”

(I want to fly, I want to run, I even want to fall … I just don’t want to stop)

– Hope
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4 thoughts on “Dreams and Depression

  1. If work offers more guilt than pleasure, isn’t that an indication of something? Either way, I understand that such choices are not that easy. Hope everything works out well for you and your family.

    1. Well, emotions are complicated, Sheth, don’t you think? You can never separate one from other easily.
      I think if you look deeply into what “guilt” is – it usually is, you enjoyed doing something which is not allowed as per society OR your value system OR your beliefs/thoughts/etc. Both society and value-system are questionable entities. I would like a better reason to quit doing what I love, than guilt. There are indeed times when I think I should quit just for the sake of my son, but deep inside, I’m not sure that I’ll actually do something more meaningful for him, given more time. I strongly believe one does much more work when they’re busy, than when they’re free. Free time leads to further procrastination. Hence, I wait.
      For now, we have found a way that’s working best for him. So, hope things continue to work out 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.

      1. You’re right. And talking about what guilt is, I guess we should be more mindful of where this guilt crops up from… I feel awfully disheartened, sad, and guilty sometimes and it all leads back to a certain view I have upheld and everything not going as per that view. Sometimes though, there is no reason for that guilt and it just fabricates out of nowhere. Maybe you need to convince yourself that what you are doing is correct and that only time will tell? Or maybe there’s a need to retrace your steps, figure out what went wrong that you are feeling guilty. Again, I am just a mere bystander and I understand that things are easier said than done. Glad to know though, that things are going well for the time being. Maybe it will bloom into a permanent solution. 🙂 Take care and best wishes.

  2. Absolutely! It is important to let go of the guilt. It’s the insecurity of the future, and to feel that it’s your child’s future which is at stake, increases the pressure ten-folds. Thanks for commenting. It’s nice to discuss the thoughts with someone than to be talking to a non-responding diary most times 🙂

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