Losing hope

Dear Diary,

I find myself too confused lately. Unable to follow my conviction. 2016 was a hard-year. I’m not yet ready to write about it. Maybe I just want to forget it. Well, I know, they are invaluable lessons of my life. Part of my growing up. But, for now, the memories are too painful to talk about. A lot of it is full of guilt and self-realisations. Because of that, I no longer am able to trust my intuitions, my conviction, my mind, or my heart. This hasn’t happened since, well, 2009.

My astrology readings tell me that 2009 was my golden period. It was the time my Sun was in my favour. And, the phase was supposed to stay for 7 yrs. Those 7 yrs have come to an end (obviously). Even the bad phases, like Shani are supposed to stay for 7 yrs, but they seem to be never-ending. I was reflecting on what I achieved in those 7 yrs. In the good 7 yrs. If they were my golden 7yrs then perhaps those were my most productive years too. Well – I got married, gave birth to a wonderful child, found success in my job. Perhaps, enough to stay contented for a lifetime!

But, for me, it seems too little. Oh! I can never be happy! What else could I get to make myself happy!? Truly contented?

But tell me, will any person ever tell you that getting married was the biggest achievement of there life? From all that I’ve gathered from my married life, happiness in a relationship is a constant endeavour. Just because you were married to a great guy doesn’t guarantee you will be happy with each other forever! A lot is how you handle it later and if your ambitions and paths remain connected all life long. And becoming a mother, it’s the best feeling and a blessing, but with a child born every second, in India alone, I fail to feel lucky about it.

When I reflect on the time and feel dismal about not achieving anything, I wonder what I wanted? Honestly speaking, I wanted to find my passion. I wanted to reach to the profession that I was meant for. Even today, I wonder what if I had pursued that MBA after all. Despite achieving success in my profession, I don’t find myself feeling like – ‘I’ve arrived!’. I don’t see that urge to learn more, to try more, to give it more. It’s just work.

I again want to branch out and try. After being working for 10 yrs, it’s not easy shifting. It’s not just that you would need to work harder to make your mark, there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make your mark, your place, as you were able to make here. The thought of leaving the safety net, of taking the plunge without the rope, the risk is too high. And, that makes taking the plunge even harder. Tarun is obviously against it. He tries to urge me to think again, to continue where I am. I feel as if he’s already stopping me from moving ahead in life. I’m sure he’s also concerned about the safety net, just as I am, but I want him to support me in taking risks, just as I did, for him.

But, this is no barter system. You can’t expect the person to do you favours because you did some by them. It’s a common life for both of you. And each decision has repercussions on all our lives. Not just mine.

I feel old. This country, this setup, they make you feel old and done with, in 10 yrs of your work ex. You’re already amongst the ones who have been there for long. And you feel this void, of there’s nothing more for me to achieve or look up to.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life like there’s no end. Even when it is the end. I want that energy, that passion, that hope…of a tomorrow. Forever!

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Losing hope

  1. I feel the emotions. Though I haven’t been through the same things as you – not even close – I feel as if I understand that anxiety and hope and pain and longing. Your passions resonate with me and I know what it feels to have your enthusiasm curbed when you believe in it so much. There’s nothing I can say but that I understand in my own little way, and hope that 2017 truly proves to be an amazing year for you, where no matter what happens, you experience the Divinity that allows you to heartily see that life’s each twist and turn is truly forging a better future for you.

    “Sukh-dukh ka karan man hai, nahi ki sharir, atma, vyakti, padarth, ya sanjog.”

    Stay blessed!

    1. Thanks Sheth, for those wonderful and kind words. I must say I’m in dire need of some. Not options or explanations or solutions, coz I know there is no easy solution to this, but just for hearing me out, and for understanding. πŸ™‚
      And you’re right – “where no matter what happens, you experience the Divinity that allows you to heartily see that life’s each twist and turn is truly forging a better future for you”. I must believe in that. Thanks a lot! πŸ™‚

  2. How are you so sure that doing an MBA would have been a good decision. You might have ended up in a company with no work-life balance and things might have not gone as expected. Now, I am not against getting an MBA, its just we are too busy in regretting things we didn’t do, that we fail to realize importance of what we have right now. So, we can’t go back in time and change our decisions. But what one can do is take little steps in the direction that leads to your ultimate goal. We always long for the paths which are not taken. What if the path which we have taken might converge with the one which we regret not taking. Life is unpredictable and one is never too old to try different things. If you want to switch your field, try for ‘correspondence MBA’ if not full time. I know its going to be very hard because of family and work, but it is not impossible, And its our HOPE which gives us the strength to do the Impossible. You rightly said that leaving the safety net will be difficult, but someone said “Great things are achieved when you step out of your Safe zone”. I will pray that you achieve what you desire in life. πŸ™‚

    P.S: It will not be good to lose HOPE because then you will have to search for a new name. πŸ˜› (Don’t kill me for this PJ)

    1. Thanks for visiting…commenting..taking time out, Karan πŸ™‚
      You’re right. We fail to realize the importance of what we have right now. So so true. And, that’s what I learned in this period of distress. Probably, I’ll write another post explaining how I came out of this phase, and understood the value. Talked to some really great people who were kind enough to spare me some time. And I’m glad I spoke to them, learned some invaluable life-lessons. Hope I’m able to capture them in my next post, to keep as a reminder for myself, for later. πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s