Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Fake, Growth, Hatred, Jealousy, Love, Philosophy, Self-growth, Society

Why hatred is expensive but love comes cheap

Becoming a Manager is one thing but living the life of a Manager is not easy. In India, where if you want to grow in your career, you’ve no choice but to become a Manager, this becomes even tougher. You don’t have the luxury of following your passion. The Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ plays a major role in deciding how your career and future will shape up. And, if survival needs you to become a Manager, then so you shall be.

I was never forced into Management, I wanted it. I dreamt of it. And now, when I’m living the life, I realise – everything comes with a price tag.

So, I interact with people and deal with ego-clashes, mean attitudes, backstabs – all in a span of the day. And it seems to be getting to me. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night feeling depressed about the guy who didn’t join. Or, the guy who did¡ Sometimes, sleeping becomes an issue. You remember all the things people said. You remember all things you tried to do for the team member who decided to ditch you, when it was finally seeming to be working out. And now when you’ve become an adult, you no longer have the blessing of ignorance. You can actually differentiate between people who’re actually nice to you and those who’re smiling to your faces but snickering at you behind your back. That gets to you too.

For how long do you keep telling yourself that it’s only job and it doesn’t matter. How long do you give people the benefit of doubt. For how long you accept that everyone is fallible and everyone is gullible? There comes a time when the mind shrieks – “What about me?”

You seek revenge. You feel like doing tit for tat. You feel like being as mean to people as they have been to you. Show them you’re not a door mat! Show them you’re not the fool they can take for a ride every time. You won’t be used anymore! Now, I’ll use and throw!

And, it makes you sleepless even further. Your heart is hurting with all the anger and your mind is busy plotting ideas on how to get back to that bitch/moron. The sleepless nights now turn into days of mulling and conniving. And, you see evil everywhere.

Bahh!

And then, realisation strikes! You are wasting so much time on a person who deserved not even an iota of your time or energy any further. You burnt and boiled your blood. You wasted all those minutes thinking of doing something that’ll perhaps have no or little impact on the person. All the time that you could have enjoyed with your work or your loved ones or enjoying the beauty around you, you wasted on hatred.

And I remember my own words from the past – ” Hatred is a two way sword. The harder you push into the other person, the more it tears your own soul”.

Singing the song – “Where is the time to hate, there is so little time to love!”

-Hope

Advertisements
Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Dreams, Growth, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Uncategorized

3 Cheers to a Wow Life!

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened and a lot is playing since we last talked. My brother got married. I’m probably making a home for myself. I got what I wanted at work. It seems like I’m building my life the way I wanted. Or, perhaps, life is leading me in a certain direction.
Marriage of a sibling grows you up in unimaginable ways. You’re partly an adult in the same genre as your parents. You’re supposed to make/partake decisions that only your parents worried about. But now, with you married and all, you have some ideas or opinions to contribute. With parents ageing, you’re expected to be on top of things far more than they ever had been. Yet, you catch yourself short from becoming one of the bickering, meddling kinds.
I can say, after all has happened, that my brother’s wedding was a milestone in my life and it changed me. In lot of aspects. It brought me a sense of responsibility. And, I did well.
While it was on, the career progress was on a major fast track. So, it meant juggling too many balls at the same time. But man! Did I enjoy it or what!? Not all is finished, but I feel a certain lull in my life. I realized I like the chaos and ball-juggling 😀
Leaves me no time to think.
As I stand back and look at my life, I go like – Wow! Where I was, what I was and where have I reached! It’s surreal. It’s amazing. My 10-yr old self who felt so unsure and incapable, I can say ‘Hi-Five’. It’s been a wow journey so far. And, if I have it my way, I have a long long way to go and my heart is set.
Love,
Hope
Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Uncategorized

What is it about youth? 

Look around and you see people ‘worshipping’ youth. The age group of 18-29. Approximately. The golden age of youth.

The ones who are younger, wait for the time when they will grow up and experience it. The ones who are older and over with it, try hard to keep it. Whether it’s by trying to dress up that way, or it’s by trying to look the way. To act, opine, eat, live…anything and everything is controlled, driven by youth and what it entails.

As I finally admit to myself that the glorious youth time of mine is over, I look back and wonder. I wonder what it was about youth that makes it so desirable!?

Yes, it meant being healthy. Not to worry about aching joints or bulging tummies because you ate pizza yesterday. The metabolism is good and your body is able to accept all that. But that can be achieved or maintained even later.  By choosing a healthy lifestyle. What else?

I think the answer is personal. May change from person to person. For me, this is what I miss apart from above, of course! –

It meant being more desirable. It meant being the center of positive attention without even trying. All the time. All places.

It meant having complete confidence in my decisions and choices.  The unabashed faith you have in your ideas, decisions and choices was a-ma-zing! I miss it.

Life brings regrets and failures.  They make you worry about failing more. More than the rush, the thought of success brings. Youth and young age is free of those experiences. And it brings a carefree arrogance that makes you believe you can fly.

And, fly I want to.

It doesn’t matter what tomorrow holds. It doesn’t really matter whether the plan will succeed or fail. What matters is I tried. What matters is the exhilaration the experience will bring.  And for that, I want to try.

Not worry.

Just open my wings one more time and take a leap of faith and jump!

<Bliss>

-Hope

Posted in Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Uncategorized

Of goals and patience

Dear Diary,

Life is full of learnings and experiences, one only needs to look. One needs to keep one’s eyes open and heart and mind ready to accept the revelation. 

I’ve been meaning to write since quite some time now but either the time wasn’t available or the subject wasn’t strong enough. In the past few months, I’ve gone from states of agitation, anger, stress, confusion, to finally, peace and understanding. I guess I wrote in my previous posts of how I had been dissatisfied from my work and management. The state kept coming and going. At least that’s what I thought. My manager gave me some feedbacks which kind of explained his behaviour in past months. Now, when I reflect, he was kind of justified. It is sad that it turned so sour. I hope I’m able to fix it in coming few weeks/months/years.

This was the first time I kept patience. First time I waited long enough to understand where I was wrong. Before this, each time there’s trouble or something which was not to my liking, I would be running to fix it. 

You know, it’s normal human tendency to blame others before oneself. Also, common human nature to chose the escape route than to face the problem. So, when I’m running and finding solutions, my mind is actually working towards finding the escape route. The moment you find it, you think you solved the problem…eureka! But, actually you never let the mind reach to the real problem. And, that’s where patience comes into play. Patience.

Patience.

This one word has kept me frustrated and boggled for a real long time. I’ve had so many well-meaning people, at various stages of my life, tell me to keep patience, and the advise would always frustrate me even further. 

This time was the first time when I knew my mind has always had a way of running, and I was determined not to take any decision in haste. I don’t know if this is called patience but this is the first time ever in my life that I’ve waited so long before taking a decision. 

I don’t know if the decision will turn out to be right or wrong in the long term but I’m amazed by the journey of this so far. It is new, untouched territory for me. Of indecisiveness. Of sticking. Of learning I was wrong. Of learning what sticking brings with it.

I have now arrived to a new territory. A place where the goal is not the end of the journey, but the beginning of it.

As is the case with most city-bred kids, since long life has been about keeping goals and working towards them. Topping in class, getting admission into a good college, getting a good job, getting that salary bracket, becoming a manager. 

Well, now, I realise, goals are actually not the end but the beginning. Unfortunately no one tells you that but most goals are. Topping the class is not a goal you achieve once and get over with, it implies you ought to work double-hard on maintaining the position. And same is true for all the rest. I, sadly, learnt it with you last – management. It had been a dream for so long. But, when I achieved it, I was baffled and sad on ‘what next?’ 

Last week, someone showed me the ‘next’ and after the conversation….. I was embarrassed!… that someone needed to tell me that. He told me on what all I could work on, now when I’m the manager. And, I found he told me nothing new but all that was my job. I had been worrying and whining about such petty issues. About further recognition. About my personal glory. I never understood what it means to become a manager. 

Becoming a manager is not a goal, it is a milestone, it is a responsibility. It’s the stepping stone to becoming an amazing, wonderful, exemplary leader. It is the starting of the journey where you define the next stone you and the team takes. It is about letting go of your ego at each step and thinking about the team, each time. 

So, now, I’m going to do exactly that. Do justice to the roles I’ve taken. 

–  Focus on making a team which is exemplary.

– Making the best of motherhood.

– Making a house a home. 🙂

 Lord, be with me!
Gratefully yours,

Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized

Of choices

Dear Diary,

Life is back to normal again. After a long time of upheaval and uncertainties, it is where it was, and it seems, the sea is calm, yet again.

Normally, times of upheaval /difficulties usually signify the time of improvement, growth. So far, it usually ended with some significant change in my life – a milestone. This time, however, it hasn’t changed much. Maybe I hit the rock bottom and I am back to the surface, breathing, so that’s a big achievement! Not sure, though.

As I reflect on those times, I do try to gather what I learnt (coz there must be!). The first one and the only one so far, is it was all my choice. The times tested which way I go, and I made my choice. Whether it was about supporting my husband in his venture, or not-leaving my job for my ailing child (who is now fine), or not moving back to my in-laws house because of societal pressure, or about not-giving up when everything seemed to be going wrong at my job. I took a stand. I decided for myself. It didn’t seem so when it was all happening. But, now, I can see that that is how it all went.

As I always say – ‘ There is no right or wrong a choice. It is about what actions you follow it with, which decide whether the choice was wrong or right’.

So, when I did decide to move out of my in-laws house, it was a major decision. A decision which most would term as ‘wrong’, but by working extra-hard towards keeping the relations healthy, happy, I could heal them. I could make the decision right. Now, not only am I happy, they are able to find their happiness in this setup too. It wasn’t easy. Neither for me, nor for them. But, if the intentions are right, and if you value the relations, it does work out. Today, we’re considered a happy unit again (‘us’ and ‘them’ together).

When Anay fell sick, and had to be hospitalized, everyone questioned our decision of moving out. It made sense to keep the child home instead of sending him to the day care and opening him to so many infections. That was a time even my husband thought that it’s the right thing to do, to move back. But, I knew, I had made a choice. And, it was time to make the choice right. So, I decided that we won’t undo what we had done. I decided we will try to make it work by working it out with our offices. And, it seemingly did. It was tough. Both our careers were at stake. But, when you have a baby, you don’t have it to give away to your parents to take care. You take care of your child. And, if you cannot take care of him/her because of your career, then you need to figure out how to make it work. Not brush your hands off the child by handing over the responsibility. Yes, my child requires his grandparents and their love. He needs loads of them. I keep visiting. I let him have his way, a lot of times. But, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to get rid of my responsibility.

Because of this part-time story, my job went into a deep shit. Things went out of hand pretty suddenly. What came as a warning sounded more like a death bell. While moving to a different job was an obvious choice, it would have meant accepting defeat and letting go of all the hard work I had done in my past 4 years at the company. I was ready to move-on in terms of job. I wasn’t ready to leave on bad terms. I didn’t want to leave because I failed at the job I took. I wanted to prove I was worth it. I wanted to prove it was a phase that I went through.

‘And, it does not define me’.

It took a lot of courage, lot of self-introspection and letting go of personal limitations to get over it. It meant facing people head-on. Having arguments of personal level and yet keeping it totally professional. No tears, No emotions. They say, once relations go sour, it is almost impossible to mend them back. This time, I can say, I mended them. I would never be able to forget the scar, but I mended it enough so that I don’t have to run from my current situation. I can work. I can go to a happy place to work. And, if later, I want to switch because I would like to, professionally, then I would. But, for now, there’s no rush.

Well Well! So, that was my last adventure. And, as I see my calm sea again, I wonder and yawn. I wonder what the next adventure would be, and when it would be. Because Life is the only adventure which keeps my adrenaline high.

Hoping for a rocking life ahead! Coz I ain’t done yet! 😉

-Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Losing hope

Dear Diary,

I find myself too confused lately. Unable to follow my conviction. 2016 was a hard-year. I’m not yet ready to write about it. Maybe I just want to forget it. Well, I know, they are invaluable lessons of my life. Part of my growing up. But, for now, the memories are too painful to talk about. A lot of it is full of guilt and self-realisations. Because of that, I no longer am able to trust my intuitions, my conviction, my mind, or my heart. This hasn’t happened since, well, 2009.

My astrology readings tell me that 2009 was my golden period. It was the time my Sun was in my favour. And, the phase was supposed to stay for 7 yrs. Those 7 yrs have come to an end (obviously). Even the bad phases, like Shani are supposed to stay for 7 yrs, but they seem to be never-ending. I was reflecting on what I achieved in those 7 yrs. In the good 7 yrs. If they were my golden 7yrs then perhaps those were my most productive years too. Well – I got married, gave birth to a wonderful child, found success in my job. Perhaps, enough to stay contented for a lifetime!

But, for me, it seems too little. Oh! I can never be happy! What else could I get to make myself happy!? Truly contented?

But tell me, will any person ever tell you that getting married was the biggest achievement of there life? From all that I’ve gathered from my married life, happiness in a relationship is a constant endeavour. Just because you were married to a great guy doesn’t guarantee you will be happy with each other forever! A lot is how you handle it later and if your ambitions and paths remain connected all life long. And becoming a mother, it’s the best feeling and a blessing, but with a child born every second, in India alone, I fail to feel lucky about it.

When I reflect on the time and feel dismal about not achieving anything, I wonder what I wanted? Honestly speaking, I wanted to find my passion. I wanted to reach to the profession that I was meant for. Even today, I wonder what if I had pursued that MBA after all. Despite achieving success in my profession, I don’t find myself feeling like – ‘I’ve arrived!’. I don’t see that urge to learn more, to try more, to give it more. It’s just work.

I again want to branch out and try. After being working for 10 yrs, it’s not easy shifting. It’s not just that you would need to work harder to make your mark, there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make your mark, your place, as you were able to make here. The thought of leaving the safety net, of taking the plunge without the rope, the risk is too high. And, that makes taking the plunge even harder. Tarun is obviously against it. He tries to urge me to think again, to continue where I am. I feel as if he’s already stopping me from moving ahead in life. I’m sure he’s also concerned about the safety net, just as I am, but I want him to support me in taking risks, just as I did, for him.

But, this is no barter system. You can’t expect the person to do you favours because you did some by them. It’s a common life for both of you. And each decision has repercussions on all our lives. Not just mine.

I feel old. This country, this setup, they make you feel old and done with, in 10 yrs of your work ex. You’re already amongst the ones who have been there for long. And you feel this void, of there’s nothing more for me to achieve or look up to.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life like there’s no end. Even when it is the end. I want that energy, that passion, that hope…of a tomorrow. Forever!

 

Posted in Ambitions, Growth, Personal, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Let the spirit rise above the ashes

Dear Diary,

It happens, yet again. And I’m reminded of all things that passed. Simple incidents. Meaningless incidents. And yet they have a capacity of causing your entire being to fall back into its original state of helplessness and negative loops. Why! Why is the mind so fickle!? Perhaps it’s not the mind but the soul which needs empowerment. Empowerment to overcome the senses.

It is only you and you only who can stop that loop which your mind falls into. Those meaningless conversations which keep going on in your head have no other result but a heartache and a pertinent headache -both of which hurt only you. The conversations which never happened and will actually never happen. They change nothing. Of no consequence. If it is so troubling for you, go ahead and reach out to the person and do that conversation ‘actually’, in real. And, if you do not have the courage or do not believe the reason is important enough, then stop. Stop right there.

You Are Capable. You can stop this decay of your being if you put your mind to.

I resolve not to let my spirit become a slave to my senses.

I resolve not to let my tongue/taste force me to fall sick further.

I resolve not to let my mind force me to believe that I can never be fit again.

I resolve not to let my injuries force me to believe that I can never dance again.

As long as I live, I will live it full.

Just start working, Stop thinking.

-Hope