Of goals and patience

Dear Diary,

Life is full of learnings and experiences, one only needs to look. One needs to keep one’s eyes open and heart and mind ready to accept the revelation. 

I’ve been meaning to write since quite some time now but either the time wasn’t available or the subject wasn’t strong enough. In the past few months, I’ve gone from states of agitation, anger, stress, confusion, to finally, peace and understanding. I guess I wrote in my previous posts of how I had been dissatisfied from my work and management. The state kept coming and going. At least that’s what I thought. My manager gave me some feedbacks which kind of explained his behaviour in past months. Now, when I reflect, he was kind of justified. It is sad that it turned so sour. I hope I’m able to fix it in coming few weeks/months/years.

This was the first time I kept patience. First time I waited long enough to understand where I was wrong. Before this, each time there’s trouble or something which was not to my liking, I would be running to fix it. 

You know, it’s normal human tendency to blame others before oneself. Also, common human nature to chose the escape route than to face the problem. So, when I’m running and finding solutions, my mind is actually working towards finding the escape route. The moment you find it, you think you solved the problem…eureka! But, actually you never let the mind reach to the real problem. And, that’s where patience comes into play. Patience.

Patience.

This one word has kept me frustrated and boggled for a real long time. I’ve had so many well-meaning people, at various stages of my life, tell me to keep patience, and the advise would always frustrate me even further. 

This time was the first time when I knew my mind has always had a way of running, and I was determined not to take any decision in haste. I don’t know if this is called patience but this is the first time ever in my life that I’ve waited so long before taking a decision. 

I don’t know if the decision will turn out to be right or wrong in the long term but I’m amazed by the journey of this so far. It is new, untouched territory for me. Of indecisiveness. Of sticking. Of learning I was wrong. Of learning what sticking brings with it.

I have now arrived to a new territory. A place where the goal is not the end of the journey, but the beginning of it.

As is the case with most city-bred kids, since long life has been about keeping goals and working towards them. Topping in class, getting admission into a good college, getting a good job, getting that salary bracket, becoming a manager. 

Well, now, I realise, goals are actually not the end but the beginning. Unfortunately no one tells you that but most goals are. Topping the class is not a goal you achieve once and get over with, it implies you ought to work double-hard on maintaining the position. And same is true for all the rest. I, sadly, learnt it with you last – management. It had been a dream for so long. But, when I achieved it, I was baffled and sad on ‘what next?’ 

Last week, someone showed me the ‘next’ and after the conversation….. I was embarrassed!… that someone needed to tell me that. He told me on what all I could work on, now when I’m the manager. And, I found he told me nothing new but all that was my job. I had been worrying and whining about such petty issues. About further recognition. About my personal glory. I never understood what it means to become a manager. 

Becoming a manager is not a goal, it is a milestone, it is a responsibility. It’s the stepping stone to becoming an amazing, wonderful, exemplary leader. It is the starting of the journey where you define the next stone you and the team takes. It is about letting go of your ego at each step and thinking about the team, each time. 

So, now, I’m going to do exactly that. Do justice to the roles I’ve taken. 

–  Focus on making a team which is exemplary.

– Making the best of motherhood.

– Making a house a home. 🙂

 Lord, be with me!
Gratefully yours,

Hope

Losing hope

Dear Diary,

I find myself too confused lately. Unable to follow my conviction. 2016 was a hard-year. I’m not yet ready to write about it. Maybe I just want to forget it. Well, I know, they are invaluable lessons of my life. Part of my growing up. But, for now, the memories are too painful to talk about. A lot of it is full of guilt and self-realisations. Because of that, I no longer am able to trust my intuitions, my conviction, my mind, or my heart. This hasn’t happened since, well, 2009.

My astrology readings tell me that 2009 was my golden period. It was the time my Sun was in my favour. And, the phase was supposed to stay for 7 yrs. Those 7 yrs have come to an end (obviously). Even the bad phases, like Shani are supposed to stay for 7 yrs, but they seem to be never-ending. I was reflecting on what I achieved in those 7 yrs. In the good 7 yrs. If they were my golden 7yrs then perhaps those were my most productive years too. Well – I got married, gave birth to a wonderful child, found success in my job. Perhaps, enough to stay contented for a lifetime!

But, for me, it seems too little. Oh! I can never be happy! What else could I get to make myself happy!? Truly contented?

But tell me, will any person ever tell you that getting married was the biggest achievement of there life? From all that I’ve gathered from my married life, happiness in a relationship is a constant endeavour. Just because you were married to a great guy doesn’t guarantee you will be happy with each other forever! A lot is how you handle it later and if your ambitions and paths remain connected all life long. And becoming a mother, it’s the best feeling and a blessing, but with a child born every second, in India alone, I fail to feel lucky about it.

When I reflect on the time and feel dismal about not achieving anything, I wonder what I wanted? Honestly speaking, I wanted to find my passion. I wanted to reach to the profession that I was meant for. Even today, I wonder what if I had pursued that MBA after all. Despite achieving success in my profession, I don’t find myself feeling like – ‘I’ve arrived!’. I don’t see that urge to learn more, to try more, to give it more. It’s just work.

I again want to branch out and try. After being working for 10 yrs, it’s not easy shifting. It’s not just that you would need to work harder to make your mark, there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make your mark, your place, as you were able to make here. The thought of leaving the safety net, of taking the plunge without the rope, the risk is too high. And, that makes taking the plunge even harder. Tarun is obviously against it. He tries to urge me to think again, to continue where I am. I feel as if he’s already stopping me from moving ahead in life. I’m sure he’s also concerned about the safety net, just as I am, but I want him to support me in taking risks, just as I did, for him.

But, this is no barter system. You can’t expect the person to do you favours because you did some by them. It’s a common life for both of you. And each decision has repercussions on all our lives. Not just mine.

I feel old. This country, this setup, they make you feel old and done with, in 10 yrs of your work ex. You’re already amongst the ones who have been there for long. And you feel this void, of there’s nothing more for me to achieve or look up to.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life like there’s no end. Even when it is the end. I want that energy, that passion, that hope…of a tomorrow. Forever!

 

Let the spirit rise above the ashes

Dear Diary,

It happens, yet again. And I’m reminded of all things that passed. Simple incidents. Meaningless incidents. And yet they have a capacity of causing your entire being to fall back into its original state of helplessness and negative loops. Why! Why is the mind so fickle!? Perhaps it’s not the mind but the soul which needs empowerment. Empowerment to overcome the senses.

It is only you and you only who can stop that loop which your mind falls into. Those meaningless conversations which keep going on in your head have no other result but a heartache and a pertinent headache -both of which hurt only you. The conversations which never happened and will actually never happen. They change nothing. Of no consequence. If it is so troubling for you, go ahead and reach out to the person and do that conversation ‘actually’, in real. And, if you do not have the courage or do not believe the reason is important enough, then stop. Stop right there.

You Are Capable. You can stop this decay of your being if you put your mind to.

I resolve not to let my spirit become a slave to my senses.

I resolve not to let my tongue/taste force me to fall sick further.

I resolve not to let my mind force me to believe that I can never be fit again.

I resolve not to let my injuries force me to believe that I can never dance again.

As long as I live, I will live it full.

Just start working, Stop thinking.

-Hope

of hatred

Hatred is a two – way sword. The more you inch from ‘dislike’ to ‘loathing’ to ‘hatred’ for a person, more pressure you exert on the sword to inch further into the person. And as you put pressure, more the sword digs deeper into your hand – from the edge pointing at you. The sword can never hurt the other person more than you because the pain is felt first in your hands! 

So, chose the people you hate, wisely!

of memories

The thing with beautiful memories is, you keep remembering them. When you’re idle, when you’re reminiscizing or when you’re going through a bad phase.

 The trouble with this is, in bad times, you somehow want to roll back time, or, make situations so that you can relive those memories.  Rolling back time is impossible, but making situations, creating circumstances, is a lot in our hands.

So, we keep working or dreaming of creating those situations so we can be in the same setup as the memory.  N then miraculously the memory will re – happen! But Alas! That would never be. 

And it leads to our doom! An eternal sadness of having lost in our endeavors. 

  And what makes matters worse is, while we were busy aspiring for that recreation of old memories, we lose out the opportunities of enjoying the good times that happened all this while. 

It’s something like this – ” While you were busy looking out for a rainbow to appear, someone was longingly waiting for you to turn around and look at him like that , coz you are his personal rainbow”. 

Of allowing human-ness

Dear Diary,

No one likes to be shouted at. Yet, none of us think that before we yell at someone.

No one likes to be called stupid. Yet, we never think twice before we call someone stupid.

No one is perfect. Yet, we never tire from pointing out people’s imperfections.

From today on, I’ll try to stay more calm. I’ll try to not shout or frown upon people. I’ll try not to bad-mouth people even when I’m gossiping lame stuff over tea.

It’s impossible to accept everything. Sometimes, it is important to tell people they’re doing it wrong. But, there’s always a better way of saying the same thing. Instead of saying – ‘you should know this, you stupid!’, I can say – ‘Why don’t you take another look at this and see if you can find the reason. I think you will. If not, please do come back and I’ll explain”.

More importantly, I’ll try not to feel anger at people’s imperfections. The key is not just to NOT show anger. It’s more important to not feel it either. Otherwise, anger keeps piling inside of us and it comes out with double force next time. So, it’s crucial to accept people as humans. Humans, capable of making mistakes, not everyone is at the same mile in the long journey. Some maybe ahead of us, some may still be behind. Let’s accept people as they are. Let’s allow them to be humans.

-Hope