Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized

Of choices

Dear Diary,

Life is back to normal again. After a long time of upheaval and uncertainties, it is where it was, and it seems, the sea is calm, yet again.

Normally, times of upheaval /difficulties usually signify the time of improvement, growth. So far, it usually ended with some significant change in my life – a milestone. This time, however, it hasn’t changed much. Maybe I hit the rock bottom and I am back to the surface, breathing, so that’s a big achievement! Not sure, though.

As I reflect on those times, I do try to gather what I learnt (coz there must be!). The first one and the only one so far, is it was all my choice. The times tested which way I go, and I made my choice. Whether it was about supporting my husband in his venture, or not-leaving my job for my ailing child (who is now fine), or not moving back to my in-laws house because of societal pressure, or about not-giving up when everything seemed to be going wrong at my job. I took a stand. I decided for myself. It didn’t seem so when it was all happening. But, now, I can see that that is how it all went.

As I always say – ‘ There is no right or wrong a choice. It is about what actions you follow it with, which decide whether the choice was wrong or right’.

So, when I did decide to move out of my in-laws house, it was a major decision. A decision which most would term as ‘wrong’, but by working extra-hard towards keeping the relations healthy, happy, I could heal them. I could make the decision right. Now, not only am I happy, they are able to find their happiness in this setup too. It wasn’t easy. Neither for me, nor for them. But, if the intentions are right, and if you value the relations, it does work out. Today, we’re considered a happy unit again (‘us’ and ‘them’ together).

When Anay fell sick, and had to be hospitalized, everyone questioned our decision of moving out. It made sense to keep the child home instead of sending him to the day care and opening him to so many infections. That was a time even my husband thought that it’s the right thing to do, to move back. But, I knew, I had made a choice. And, it was time to make the choice right. So, I decided that we won’t undo what we had done. I decided we will try to make it work by working it out with our offices. And, it seemingly did. It was tough. Both our careers were at stake. But, when you have a baby, you don’t have it to give away to your parents to take care. You take care of your child. And, if you cannot take care of him/her because of your career, then you need to figure out how to make it work. Not brush your hands off the child by handing over the responsibility. Yes, my child requires his grandparents and their love. He needs loads of them. I keep visiting. I let him have his way, a lot of times. But, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to get rid of my responsibility.

Because of this part-time story, my job went into a deep shit. Things went out of hand pretty suddenly. What came as a warning sounded more like a death bell. While moving to a different job was an obvious choice, it would have meant accepting defeat and letting go of all the hard work I had done in my past 4 years at the company. I was ready to move-on in terms of job. I wasn’t ready to leave on bad terms. I didn’t want to leave because I failed at the job I took. I wanted to prove I was worth it. I wanted to prove it was a phase that I went through.

‘And, it does not define me’.

It took a lot of courage, lot of self-introspection and letting go of personal limitations to get over it. It meant facing people head-on. Having arguments of personal level and yet keeping it totally professional. No tears, No emotions. They say, once relations go sour, it is almost impossible to mend them back. This time, I can say, I mended them. I would never be able to forget the scar, but I mended it enough so that I don’t have to run from my current situation. I can work. I can go to a happy place to work. And, if later, I want to switch because I would like to, professionally, then I would. But, for now, there’s no rush.

Well Well! So, that was my last adventure. And, as I see my calm sea again, I wonder and yawn. I wonder what the next adventure would be, and when it would be. Because Life is the only adventure which keeps my adrenaline high.

Hoping for a rocking life ahead! Coz I ain’t done yet! 😉

-Hope

Advertisements
Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Losing hope

Dear Diary,

I find myself too confused lately. Unable to follow my conviction. 2016 was a hard-year. I’m not yet ready to write about it. Maybe I just want to forget it. Well, I know, they are invaluable lessons of my life. Part of my growing up. But, for now, the memories are too painful to talk about. A lot of it is full of guilt and self-realisations. Because of that, I no longer am able to trust my intuitions, my conviction, my mind, or my heart. This hasn’t happened since, well, 2009.

My astrology readings tell me that 2009 was my golden period. It was the time my Sun was in my favour. And, the phase was supposed to stay for 7 yrs. Those 7 yrs have come to an end (obviously). Even the bad phases, like Shani are supposed to stay for 7 yrs, but they seem to be never-ending. I was reflecting on what I achieved in those 7 yrs. In the good 7 yrs. If they were my golden 7yrs then perhaps those were my most productive years too. Well – I got married, gave birth to a wonderful child, found success in my job. Perhaps, enough to stay contented for a lifetime!

But, for me, it seems too little. Oh! I can never be happy! What else could I get to make myself happy!? Truly contented?

But tell me, will any person ever tell you that getting married was the biggest achievement of there life? From all that I’ve gathered from my married life, happiness in a relationship is a constant endeavour. Just because you were married to a great guy doesn’t guarantee you will be happy with each other forever! A lot is how you handle it later and if your ambitions and paths remain connected all life long. And becoming a mother, it’s the best feeling and a blessing, but with a child born every second, in India alone, I fail to feel lucky about it.

When I reflect on the time and feel dismal about not achieving anything, I wonder what I wanted? Honestly speaking, I wanted to find my passion. I wanted to reach to the profession that I was meant for. Even today, I wonder what if I had pursued that MBA after all. Despite achieving success in my profession, I don’t find myself feeling like – ‘I’ve arrived!’. I don’t see that urge to learn more, to try more, to give it more. It’s just work.

I again want to branch out and try. After being working for 10 yrs, it’s not easy shifting. It’s not just that you would need to work harder to make your mark, there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make your mark, your place, as you were able to make here. The thought of leaving the safety net, of taking the plunge without the rope, the risk is too high. And, that makes taking the plunge even harder. Tarun is obviously against it. He tries to urge me to think again, to continue where I am. I feel as if he’s already stopping me from moving ahead in life. I’m sure he’s also concerned about the safety net, just as I am, but I want him to support me in taking risks, just as I did, for him.

But, this is no barter system. You can’t expect the person to do you favours because you did some by them. It’s a common life for both of you. And each decision has repercussions on all our lives. Not just mine.

I feel old. This country, this setup, they make you feel old and done with, in 10 yrs of your work ex. You’re already amongst the ones who have been there for long. And you feel this void, of there’s nothing more for me to achieve or look up to.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life like there’s no end. Even when it is the end. I want that energy, that passion, that hope…of a tomorrow. Forever!

 

Posted in Ambitions, Growth, Personal, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Let the spirit rise above the ashes

Dear Diary,

It happens, yet again. And I’m reminded of all things that passed. Simple incidents. Meaningless incidents. And yet they have a capacity of causing your entire being to fall back into its original state of helplessness and negative loops. Why! Why is the mind so fickle!? Perhaps it’s not the mind but the soul which needs empowerment. Empowerment to overcome the senses.

It is only you and you only who can stop that loop which your mind falls into. Those meaningless conversations which keep going on in your head have no other result but a heartache and a pertinent headache -both of which hurt only you. The conversations which never happened and will actually never happen. They change nothing. Of no consequence. If it is so troubling for you, go ahead and reach out to the person and do that conversation ‘actually’, in real. And, if you do not have the courage or do not believe the reason is important enough, then stop. Stop right there.

You Are Capable. You can stop this decay of your being if you put your mind to.

I resolve not to let my spirit become a slave to my senses.

I resolve not to let my tongue/taste force me to fall sick further.

I resolve not to let my mind force me to believe that I can never be fit again.

I resolve not to let my injuries force me to believe that I can never dance again.

As long as I live, I will live it full.

Just start working, Stop thinking.

-Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Fake, Hatred, Jealousy, Personal, Relationships, Self-growth, Society

of hatred

Hatred is a two – way sword. The more you inch from ‘dislike’ to ‘loathing’ to ‘hatred’ for a person, more pressure you exert on the sword to inch further into the person. And as you put pressure, more the sword digs deeper into your hand – from the edge pointing at you. The sword can never hurt the other person more than you because the pain is felt first in your hands! 

So, chose the people you hate, wisely!

Posted in Adult Life, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Self-growth, Social, Society

Of values and superstitions

Some random ramblings I wrote a few months ago. Posting now.

 

=====
All my life I have been the decent girl who never did anything that made her a ‘bad girl’. Even when I was in love, I was the decent, good girl in love. I never wore anything hot or provocative. Ever. I always believed that when I get married, I’ll dress up in all those dresses and flaunt it with my man by my side. My Mom never did a lot of makeup.. I discovered makeup at the age of 30. I’m still grappling with it. Will you believe if I told you that I tried my eye-liner a day ago, yesterday, that is 31 Jan’2016.

Before a girl is taught language, she’s taught boundaries, rights and wrongs. She’s not told about exploring her femininity but how to cover it. How to curb any thoughts of doing things on her own. What is unacceptable in the society.
I remember I found my femininity when I went to US. It was only then that I was really away and alone from my parents. I thought having lived in the hostel and PGs for good 6 yrs should be sufficient to teach me a thing or two. It should have made me independent. But, it seems they didn’t. In US, being all alone, single, I found my true self. Open, free. I explored the clothes I wore. I tried my first lipstick. I still didn’t explore other shades of lipstick. Even that exploration has only started now. I wanted to be hot. I am 31 and I don’t want to think myself as old or over with my youth. I wanted marriage to free me of those limitations. But, unfortunately, it has put more limitations.

I have now found that my soul knows no limits, no inhibitions. I learnt a thing about Mr. Guilt too.  Guilt mostly happens because you think you did something against your values. The values, which have been ingrained in your mind, all these years. I don’t know whether what they teach is right or wrong. I think values, when followed blindly are as much superstitions as those Hindu vrats that one does. Without understanding their meanings, without your mind accepting them, they are just baseless bullshit with no results. They tell you of all the bad things which may happen in future. But you don’t know whether that’s true or not. No one got out alive of it anyway!

I remember reading ‘Illusions’ by Richard Bach. It has a para that says ‘If God asked you of his one work that he wanted you, His ardent followers to do, would you do it? The followers said’ Yes, Dear Jesus, tell us what you want and we’ll lay our lives for it. God said ‘Are you sure you would do anything and fulfill this work of mine?’ They all said ‘Yes Yes, we will go to any length to do it.’ God said ‘ Be Happy. I want you all to be happy’.

The quote has stuck with me. I think that’s precisely what God wants from us, all of us. To be happy. To chose happiness over anything else.

Posted in Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, Society

Of lessons

Dear Diary,

Life is rolling and I find myself humbled and a tiny-bit wiser with each passing day. During this whole journey as an entrepreneur’s wife, I went through lot of new experiences. Personal, professional, as an individual, as a home-maker.

Lesson 1: Just because someone brought a bad experience to your life, doesn’t make the person bad.

I’ve always believed that all things that happen to us, good or bad, are meant to happen. They’re meant to happen to make us learn some important lesson. If you’ve read ‘Many Lives Many Masters’ by Brian Weiss, you would be able to relate the concept. The concept is that we keep coming back to this world to learn lessons. These lessons make our souls grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and bring us (our souls) closer to the Pure One, the source of all our souls (or the energy source, whatever you may call it).

If you completely believe this hypothesis, as an axiom, it means, the people bringing that experience to you are just mere messengers.
e.g. There are times you’re struck in a difficult situation, or some sort of life-death experience, and someone stranger/unexpected comes from somewhere and helps you get out of it. You feel like the person was God-sent to save you.

If you agree with this, as I do, you’ll have to agree with the vice versa too. Which means that this holds true for the opposite experiences too. That is, when something bad happens to us, that is also done by God to make us learn from the experience. We often associate the person bringing that bad experience as bad. We hold that person as our enemy whom whenever we meet/encounter/are reminded of, brings bad memories to us. We start to wish ill for the person. Sometimes, even going so far as planning revenge against the person.

Why?

If the good experiences are God-sent, why can’t we accept that bad experiences/phases are God sent too!? The learning was meant to happen. It played out in a certain way in your life and God needed some pawns (people) to execute it in your life’s play. Those are only pawns. Mere players.

It’s same as like in old times, it was a rule not to harm/hold prisoner the messenger bringing bad news/news of war to kings. Because, the messenger is merely doing his duty to his Master, of bringing the news. He’s not responsible for the news or what follows!

By accepting this, I let go of my bad thoughts that I held against so many people.

Lesson 2: You can play a role in your partner’s life, you cannot live their life

What is love? For as long as I remember, it has been a crucial question that I’ve tried to solve for myself. Is it the actions we do while we’re in love? Is it the emotions we feel while we’re in a relationship? How does it all connect in terms of the other person?

Ever since I got married, I had consciously tried to stop thinking about ‘love’. Whatever I feel for my husband is love for me. The care, the sacrifices we do in our regular lives, is what I think is love. I’ve also found out that love is not equal to lust. And they are two totally different emotions.

In the name of love, we often try to maneuver the life and decisions of our loved ones. Because of our insecurities, troubles, or selfish reasons, we try to make them do things that are not really their choices, but ours. We think we’re trying to save them from future trouble. But, in reality, no one knows the future. What you do today, how it’ll shape-up tomorrow, no one knows. Sometimes, even the most trusted and well-tested methods fail because, as they say ‘Everyone makes their tea, their own way’. So, each has a unique way of doing the same thing which thus, may end up in a different result.

So, instead of trying to overthink things. Instead of trying to put your decisions/thoughts on them, even if you think loved-one is going wrong, let them go ahead with it. You can always give them your opinion but you should be open and ready to accept if they don’t follow your judgement.

In worst case, they’ll be proven wrong and you’ll be proven right, and you both would have to bear the failure, but would it be that bad?! Is it the end of life and the world? No, right! So, give them this space. And, let them make their own mistakes because it is their life. And, this will be your sacrifice for your love. To stand by them even when they commit the mistakes you knew was a mistake all along. Because, love is not something that fades or happens once. It’s something to be executed. To be upheld as of prime importance. Even beyond and above the mistakes.

Lesson 3: Dreams do have a dead-line

To be continued.