Posted in Uncategorized

Power to strangers

Dear Diary,

It’s amazing how much control I give to people, pure strangers, over me. On my life. On impacting me.

Despite all the heartburns (romantic or otherwise) I may have endured, I still carry my heart on my sleeve. I turst people. I share my personal thoughts openly. I share details about my life – my family, my opinions, my relations, with everybody. It’s mostly because I don’t care about others judgement of me.

But that’s where the paradox sets in. People who mean nothing initially, turn into people of significance. And then their opinions start to matter. And then their judgements about you, hurt you. And you, all numb with hurt, wonder, why did I ever give so much importance to this person in the first place!?

And that’s the vicious circle I call my life.

Hope

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Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Depressiom, Dreams, Love, Patience, Personal, Philosophy, Uncategorized

Why marry?

In this fast pace world, where people have more social life on internet than real, life means mostly about goals and targets and money and living-the-high-life. Simple pleasures like watching your kids grow, or tending your garden have become the old-fashioned, outdated thing. You’re enjoying and ‘living’ life only if you’re doing awesome-ly well in your career, going up-and-up in the ladder, socialize with the high-circuit people over marathons or late-night parties.

In such high-pace fast urban life, people are slowly moving away from family, kids, and marriage. I have too many youngsters around me who question me on why should a person marry at all? And when life is less than perfect in your own married life (think of loads of clothes waiting for you back home after a long, hectic day at work), you tend to ask yourself the same question  – why marry?

So, I decided to list down what marriage brings to one’s life. Whether that makes it worthy for you or not, is well, your choice. Here goes mine:

A routine: Well, of course, doesn’t everyone hate that itself, in a marriage!? But trust me when I say, when my mind goes insane with all the hell that’s breaking lose at work or in family-drama episodes, the only thing that brings me sanity is that I MUST fulfill my routine. There are certain tasks which I must do and I cannot run away from them. Those responsibilities may seem crucifying at times, but those same duties save me when my mind just wants me to run away or hide in a closet away from the world.

If I was unmarried and all on my own, I am sure I have enough ways in my head, to dessicate myself in a cabinet. Just to get rid of the problems at hand. When you’re alone and not responsible for anybody, it is so easy to break the routine and just loop inside your hell-hole, for days, or weeks, forever.

A guarantee: In the life where nothing comes with a guarantee, knowing that there is one person who I know inside out, is a relief. In this world, people change with time. It’s a given. Having spent each day with one person, I know the changes in this one person, I know the person. And, no matter what changes around me, there is this one inner-circle, where I know what to expect. No matter how much you fight, no matter how much you hate certain traits of this person, and vice versa, you know you’re family. And you’ll be accepted. Despite there’s never complete acceptance, but there’s no running away. So, even if I’m at my darkest, evil-most, they have seen it. And, it’s not new. And, we commit to stick with each other.

You can’t do this for random people. Or, people who came in your life like some months ago. You do that, or feel that, only when you have a sense of history, a pact to go forever.

A history: I know couples bring the history in their fights. And, that’s what people hate about relationships. But, history is not just about accusations. History also includes experiences. I find the history a reminder. A reminder of how much you’ve gone through together. And, survived. Life’s been a roller-coaster ever since I got married. So many changes. So many upheavals. But, when it all ends, time passes, and I look back, it surprises me that we survived it all. And, we survived it together. So, there must be something special. Building such a relationship requires sticking together for years. This is not something you build in months or an year.

The cliched steps to follow: People often say that the world conspires against you by giving you a set pattern of living your life. School, then college, then job, then marriage, then kids, house, marry the kids. etc etc. Yes, it’s cliched. I have followed the steps in my life.

Whether I wanted or not, well it doesn’t matter anymore, because I followed the steps.

But, I think it liberates me. Now, with my child-bearing responsibility done, I’m free to explore my world of opportunities. Yes, the family brings certain limitations, but the circumstances always bring some adversaries. So, I don’t think family is ever a limitation, if you really wanted to pursue or achieve something.

Plus, having followed the steps, I know, even if I fail in any experiment in my life further, I’ll always have what I’ve built. So, the family, the house, the degrees that I’ve already earned, no one can take that from me. And, it adds to my advantage while taking chances.

So, in a way, all in all, what I’m saying is there are always two sides to the coin. Which side you chose to look at, is your choice.

Love,

Hope

Posted in Growth, Learning, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized

Unequivocally

Remember the lines?

Waterwater everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink’ from the poem ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’? The sailor was stuck in sea, surrounded by salt water, and had no water to drink.

Well, I feel the same way. Just with people. The world is overflowing with people. The population is growing at alarming rates and if you’re living in the developing nations like us, then you can practically see the overflow in front of your bleeding eyes.

And yet, we have reached that point in civilization, where people are more connected virtually, than in real.

I ache to find one person, just one person whom I can talk my heart out. With no fear of judgement, or payback, or consequences. You may have a plethora of relations – parents, spouse, kids, friends, co-workers, helping staff, and what not. But, is there anyone with whom you share everything? With whom you don’t filter?

Perhaps if you’re a teenager/kid, who still lives in the innocent world, this may hold true.

I recently talked and accepted my darkest fears and wants to a complete stranger. She was a Tarot Card Reader. I don’t know if I believe in her predictions/readings. I just needed to pour out my fears. I perhaps just needed to accept the state I was in, to myself.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t joke about it.

I just stated the facts. Some of them were rude, mean, pure selfish, dark thoughts.

When I returned home, I was surprised to think of how openly and freely I said all those things to her. She was also a pretty good listener. I give her credit for not letting her body language give away her judgement. Neither did her words. She just listened. And that was the best thing anyone could give anyone in pain. A listening ear.

But, I want to know, why do I need any listening ear? Why is it so important to have some other human being listen to your ramblings? It doesn’t change anything. The person can make no changes to your situation. The resolutions, if they give, will probably not work in the complicated thing called life. They don’t even have the complete perspective of your situation. No one has lived your life. No one will ever be able to fill your shoes and look at things the way you do. So, why is it so important to know what other(s) think? Why do I have this primal need of acceptance from another human being? And, when I already know that it’s impossible to be completely and totally accepted in this world, by anyone.

When will I be enough for myself? When will I love myself unequivocally? I wish I could.

Posted in Adult Life, Depressiom, Personal, Uncategorized

Looming diaries

Qatra qatra jeete the, qatra qatra marte Hain,

Zindagi hi Zindagi se Zindagi ko le gayi

“Lived every moment, now we die each one; Life took the life out of life.”

Dear Diary

There was a time when life was simple. It was about enjoying all moments of life. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life. Eating your favorite food, celebrating good marks in unit-tests with ice-cream, laughing loud on lame jokes, passionately strong friendships.

There were people around me who found life difficult, boring or complex even then when I enjoyed life. I was the most smiling person in the group. I would greet everybody with a smile no matter how crappy my day was going. I would look at the positives all time.

I still do. I still try at least.

But, with life passing, and experiences happening, with you becoming mature, even simple pleasures have become difficult to come by. I now seem to be just following routine. An evening of singing to yourself – even that makes me surprised that I’m actually having fun.

I think my mind is going senile. It keeps playing tricks on me. Not with one thought or problems but just like that, the mood never feels relaxed or happy. There’s a loom.

It seems the life happening to me has taken the soul out of my life.

I wish to give a happy person to my family. A smiling, content, happy person. I realize that is the best thing one can give to their family.

-Hope

Posted in Growth, Learning, Patience, Self-growth, Uncategorized

Learning the art of patience

Have you ever missed a trait in yourself? I mean, a very basic trait like patience?

Well, for the longest of times, I missed the bone of patience. I would get the feedback from various sources. I saw that being impatient, I would make wrong choices and regret those bad decisions of impulses, later.

Everyone tells you that patience comes with experience, maturity.

Well, I couldn’t wait (pun intended) 😀

So, I searched on Google and guess what! Google told me simple steps on how to learn patience.

PS: I re-searched and the steps have changed. Screw Page-ranking!

Well, anyhow, when I searched, one way of learning was – to practice a slow activity and be at it. I tried knitting an embroidery patch. It’s a big scenery, lot of details. And, with the amount of free time I get, I’ve been at it (off-and-on) for an year already. And you won’t believe when I told you, but I think I did increase my patience levels. When I’m doing it, it takes hours at a stretch before the results even are visible. And, while I’m at it, it takes my mind completely off the regular mundane things. So, it relieves my mind of stress too. Unbelievable!

This was an amazing revelation for me.

For all trait-issues, there are simple steps that one can follow to overcome them. One doesn’t need to live with a bad habit just because they were born or brought up with it.

Same happened with my problem of overthinking. I saw this video and it really resonated with me. It tells me exact measures that I need to take to stop my mind from whirling in a loop. Focus on work at hand. Live in the moment.

And, the trick works. For me. An addict at overthinking.

Isn’t that awesome!

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Learn and let go

Dear Diary,

I met a girl-friend of mine yesterday. She and I started our professional careers around the same time. Paths diverted so we’re in different domains now but we stay connected. We both are on similar points where we’re starting/recently started our careers as Managers. While I’ve been at it for around 4 yrs officially, she’s getting the tag only now. But, we started managing people pretty much at same time.

Anyways, that’s not relevant. The thing was that we both are facing same issues. I’m in a Product-based company, she’s in Service-based company. She has more people, less on quality, I’ve lesser people but more work-quality required. Basically, different technical challenges but still we face same/similar people issues.. Men having issues with females in position of power.

The mentality, the perception, the judgement – while I get it, I get it that it’s ingrain human nature, but it still irritates and frustrates me when people think less/more of a person because of their gender. I don’t want to be treated less because I’m a woman. I don’t want to be treated more because I’m a woman.

I’ve seen both happening. And, I find it unfair both times.

Why is it so important for us to bracket people? Why do we need to meet every new person and bracket-ize them into ‘kinds’. The bossy kind. The dominating kind. The loner kind. The hypocrite. The egotist. The flirt. The faithful. The un-bracketable.

Why can’t we believe and respect that while we all are humans, each human is different. There are no black and whites. There are all shades of red, black, green and grey. No one is perfect mixture of everything good. No one is ‘good’. Everyone has a side which is ‘dark’. And, just because you see some ‘dark’ doesn’t make the person ‘bad’. Stop tagging people as ‘good’. You start expecting them to be ‘good’. Stop expecting people to be ‘loyal’ or ‘honest’ or ‘positive’. Stop reacting to people because they are ‘dishonest’, ‘untrustworthy’ or ‘lazy’. Because people change. They are ‘people’.

No one is same. No one is always same. Prior experiences from individuals don’t define what their future actions would be. You do not have the luxury to get cross with anyone just because they lied to you at work. You cannot take action against someone because they were dishonest or mistrustful with you. You cannot demote anyone because their behavior is lazy. Do your job. Keep things factual. Focus only on the actions. It’s only when we stop evaluating/bracketing people that we’re able to look at actions solely. Actions = Facts. Everything else is just in your mind.

Stop worrying about words.

Stop overvaluing values or virtues or limits.

Stop expecting people to be friends.

Because, everyone that comes in your life is an experience. Every trust broken, every value tossed, every limit crossed (intentional or not), everything that happens in your life is an experience. Learn and let go.

 

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Uncategorized

Hurt, tired, but not broken yet

Dear Diary,

I feel a void. I feel noise. I feel chaos. I fee change. Everything is in turmoil and yet nothing is really changing physically.

I recently bought a house. Finally. After years and years of waiting, hunting, looking, and re-looking, we finally finalized on one and ‘settled’. The house is everything that I ever wished for. And more. 🙂

But, keeping the house beautiful, well, that’s another story. Some other day.

Life at work is beyond hectic. And, work-load is not the only thing that keeps it busy. There’s so much drama and happenings, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve become a real-life version of some TV series, like Suits. Pretty much, every week, there’s some news, some thing that happens which needs discussion, cajoling people, handling people’s drama, worrying about people leaving, worrying about hiring, worrying about working, worrying about not working at all. It seems life is a roller coaster even without much happening.

On the outside, there’s nothing really changing. But, I feel myself changing. With each episode of conflict or upheaval, I find myself getting distanced from people.

I thrive in people, I enjoy conversations and discussions. But now, it seems I need to stay away from people. And discussions. The less you talk, the lesser the chance of anyone lying to you. Of you realizing that somebody broke your trust. Of learning that you thought you were respected but actually, they don’t think so highly of you, after all. On the contrary, they perhaps think of you as a naive wannabe. People around me share secrets with each other. They practically share details which they shouldn’t be sharing with anyone at work, at all. And, they share it with people casually. Without any promises of keep-it-to-yourself. But, I am in no such circles. I have no one coming to me with their secrets. Probably, it’s a two-way street and since I don’t hand-out such details, no one comes to me with them either. But, I feel a breach of trust there too.

Am I being too emotional and expecting a little too much from people. Am I even cut out for the role I’ve taken?

I find the job making changes to me. My persona, my values, my limits. I wanted that, yes. But, am I ready to take in all changes? I’m not sure. Sometimes, when I look at people ahead of me, in this path that I’ve chosen, I don’t really like the samples. I don’t want to become any one of them. But, something tells me, no one is same, even after taking the same path. So, perhaps, I’ll create something new. I’ll make some different choices. But, will I be able to do a good job of it? Will I be a better example by the time I finish, or would I have created another sample of what-not-to-become?

Only one way to find out.

– Hope